Sometimes we fail in the struggle with ourselves and circumstances. We do not want to give up and hope for a miracle and make a mistake. Psychotherapist Derek Draper reflects on why it is important to admit defeat in time.
I used to work in politics and knew old Lord Montag, a member of the British Parliament. I often remember his favorite phrase. “People can change,” he said with a sly gleam in his eyes, and after a pause he added: “Five percent and five minutes.”
This thought — of course, cynical — sounded natural from the lips of a man in whose environment pretense was in the order of things. But when I decided to become a therapist and started practicing, I thought about these words more than once. What if he’s right? Are we delusional about our own flexibility?
My experience is: no. I remember myself in my youth. I dabbled in drugs and led a wild life, I had prolonged depression. Now my life has changed. As a percentage, by 75% over the past five years.
I see changes in patients. They can show up in as little as a week, or they can take years. Sometimes progress can be seen in the first session, and this is a great success. But more often these processes go more slowly. After all, we are trying to run when heavy weights are hanging on our feet. We do not have a hacksaw or a key to shackles, and only time and hard work can help us to throw them off. The five years in which I was able to rethink my life is the result of the previous five years of hard work on myself.
Sometimes someone needs to remind us the truth: there are things we can’t fix.
But sometimes change doesn’t come. When I fail to make progress with a client, I ask myself a thousand questions. Have I failed? Do I need to tell him the truth? Maybe I’m not made for this job? Sometimes you want to correct reality a bit, make the picture more positive: well, now he at least sees what the problem is and where to move on. Perhaps he will return to therapy a little later.
But living with the truth is always better. And that means admitting that you can’t always know if therapy will work. And you can’t even figure out why it didn’t work. And mistakes need to be recognized, despite their severity, and not try to mitigate with the help of rationalization.
One of the wisest sayings I have ever read comes from the excellent psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. One day a woman came to him for help. She wrote that her little son had died, she was in despair and did not know what to do. He wrote back to her in a short, handwritten letter: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do to help. It’s a tragedy.»
I don’t know how she took it, but I like to think she felt better. Sometimes someone needs to remind us of the truth: there are things we cannot fix. Good therapy gives you a chance to make a difference. But it also provides a safe space where we can admit defeat. This applies to both the client and the therapist.
As soon as we understand that change is impossible, we need to switch to another task — acceptance
This idea is best articulated in the 12-step program, although they took it from the well-known “prayer for peace of mind” (whoever wrote it): “Lord, give me the peace to accept what I cannot change, give me the courage to change what I can change, and give me the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.
Perhaps the wise old Lord Montag, who died of cardiac arrest, was addressing his words to those who never grasped that distinction. But I think he was only half right. I don’t want to part with the idea that change is possible. Maybe not 95%, but we are still capable of profound and lasting change. But as soon as we understand that change is impossible, we need to switch to another task — acceptance.