Solid emotions: how to live if you are an empath

It is believed that someone else’s soul is darkness. For empaths, this is not the case: they understand perfectly what other people are going through. We tell you who empaths are and how to understand that you are one of them

Who is an empath

An empath is a person who is good at recognizing and understanding the emotions of others. The word is derived from the noun “empathy”. In psychology, this term is given different definitions, depending on schools and approaches. But most often empathy is called two things. First, a guided process of empathy with other people. Secondly, the very ability to recognize the feelings and experiences of other people, even if these emotions are not explicitly expressed [1].

The word “empathy” is relatively new – it was first used by psychologist Edward Bradford Titchener a little over a hundred years ago. In 1909, he published the book Experimental Psychology of Thinking Processes, where he described the process of empathy using the German word “Einfuhlung” – “feeling”, and then translated it into Greek (em – “in” and pathos – “passion, strong feeling, suffering”).

Empathy is distinct from sympathy, although both terms describe an emotional response to another person’s condition. The difference is that when we sympathize, we experience our own emotions – pity, a desire to take care or comfort [2]. And empathy involves immersion in the emotion of the interlocutor. In other words, empathy is looking at a person’s problem from our own point of view, and empathy is from his. Thus, Lauren Wispé, in the monograph “The Psychology of Sympathy” notes: “The goal of empathy is understanding, the goal of sympathy is the well-being of the other.” And below she writes: “Empathy is a way of knowing, sympathy is a way of relating” [3].

In 2013, scientists from Goldsmith’s University of London concluded that only 1–2% of the world’s population are empaths [4]. During the study, they found that empaths have hypersensitive mirror neurons. It is these brain cells that are responsible for the emergence of feelings such as compassion and love.

How empaths differ from highly sensitive people

The term “highly sensitive people” appeared not so long ago, notes psychologist and cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist Elizaveta Muratova. It denotes people who react very emotionally to events in the external environment or their own inner life.

The difference is that an empath recognizes other people’s emotions, while highly sensitive people themselves react vividly to what is happening. They immerse themselves in their own feelings. Thus, a highly sensitive person is not always an empath, and an empath is not always brightly reacting to what is happening in his life.

How do people become empaths?

According to a study by the American psychologist Carl Rogers (Carl Ransom Rogers), the ability to empathize is formed through childhood experience [5]. Thus, a person is more likely to be capable of empathy if in childhood he[6]:

• I felt empathy from those around me. When a parent empathizes with the child, enters into his position, he contributes to the formation of empathy in the character of the child.
• He lived situations in which he was taught to understand and be aware of his emotions. It is important that the child learns to control his feelings. This can be helped by a parent through patient clarifying conversations. If mom leaves home and says: “Don’t cry! It’s okay, I’ll be back soon, ”this will not help the child become more empathic. And the explanatory phrase: “Are you sad that I’m leaving? Me too. But this is very important, because … ”, will help the child to realize what is happening and understand the parent.
• Discussed other people’s feelings. It is important to talk with the child as much as possible and discuss various life situations, draw his attention to the feelings and sensations of others.

How to know if you are an empath

Psychologist Elizaveta Muratova says that the main marker of being an empath is the ability to understand what another person is going through, to put yourself in his place. The peculiarity of empaths is that they understand the feelings of other people, even if they themselves have not experienced such emotions:

“On the one hand, people have really similar experiences. We have all experienced joy, sadness, disappointment. However, each person’s experience is different. If one is not particularly upset about the loss of a wallet, the other may experience a lot of negative emotions. This is fine. Here, some people experience breaks in empathy – a situation where a person cannot get in touch with the experience of another, cannot understand his experiences. This happens when a person himself did not live like this. The highest level of empathy can be called a situation in which a person can understand the feelings of another, even if he himself did not live them.

Here are some more signs that you are an empath [7]:

• you unconsciously repeat the movements of the interlocutor;
• quickly “infect” with the emotions of others;
• feel the pain of another person;
• easily recognize emotions by facial expressions;
• it’s easier for you to try new things if you see that the other person enjoyed it;
• you tend to help people;
• you are not prone to aggression.

Types of empathy

Psychologist Paul Ekman (Paul Ekman) and after him science journalist Daniel Goleman (Daniel Goleman) identified three types of empathy [8].

cognitive empathy

The ability to understand what another person is feeling or thinking. It is based on intellectual processes: comparison, analogy and others. This kind of empathy is very useful in business: for example, a manager with a strong ability for cognitive empathy will be good at negotiations and management.

At the same time, a cognitive empath can remain a cold person. That is, an intellectual understanding of what is happening with another person is not enough to help him. Moreover, some people may use cognitive empathy to harm others. That is why a person needs not only cognitive, but also other types of empathy.

Emotional (affective) empathy

A person with this property is emotionally involved in the problem of another. Such “infection” with someone else’s emotion largely occurs under the influence of mirror neurons – brain cells that are excited when we perform an action or notice how other people perform it [9]. When they are activated, the brain imitates this action – as if trying it on itself.

Emotional empathy “connects” us to the inner world of another person. This is useful in many professions, from sales to medicine. Not to mention that this skill is essential to building any meaningful relationship in life.

But affective empathy also has its downsides. So, if a person is immersed in affective empathy, it is difficult for him to manage his own negative emotions. And this can lead to psychological exhaustion. Therefore, for example, many doctors face the problem of burnout: in order to avoid emotional pain, they distance themselves from the pain of others, and with it, from the problems of their patients.

Behavioral (compassionate)

It manifests itself through specific actions in relation to another person. This type of empathy suggests that we not only understand the other person’s feelings, but also have a desire to help. Compassionate empathy is the final ingredient needed to solve the complex problems facing humanity together. Psychologists call this the desire for constructive interaction. Paul Ekman attributes the emergence of compassionate empathy to the realization that “we are all united.”

Dark empathy

In 2002, researchers Delroy Paulhus and Kevin M. Williams coined the term “Dark Triad” [10]. It refers to a group of personality traits that includes psychopathy [11] (emotional coldness, ruthlessness, impulsiveness), narcissism [12] (vanity, a sense of superiority) and Machiavellianism [13] (manipulativeness, intrigue and lack of morality). Dark empaths have all three of these personality traits [14]. They use the ability to recognize and understand the feelings of others for manipulative purposes. The very definition of a “dark empath” is more of a pop psychology thing. In everyday life, such people are often compared with energy vampires.

Dark empaths have a high level of cognitive empathy [15]. They are able to understand other people’s emotions and, perhaps, anticipate them. Ordinary empaths have higher affective empathy — the ability to feel and experience someone’s emotions. Some of the main markers of a dark empath include guilt, manipulativeness, and narcissism.

British psychologists Nadja Heym and Alexander Sumich came to the conclusion that dark empaths have a poorly developed ability to feel other people’s emotions, unlike ordinary empaths [16]. The Dark Ones, according to the study, are less aggressive than narcissists or psychopaths, but they are more likely to show cruelty in non-obvious forms – through manipulation, rumors and gossip, cruel jokes, provoking feelings of guilt and organizing boycotts. A developed capacity for empathy limits their aggression, but does not completely eliminate it. It manifests itself in other, hidden forms.

Advantages and disadvantages of empaths

Advantages

Empathy contributes to a kinder and gentler society, writes University of Melbourne researcher Liliana L. Bove. She highlights the following advantages of empathic people [17]:

• the ability to provide emotional support to others;
• the ability to understand people and understand how they suit you;
• the ability to value relationships and connections;
• the ability to enter into the position of a person, to put oneself in his place;
• ability to work productively in a team.

The paper

Psychologist Elizaveta Muratova argues that empathy is a great social advantage, it is easier to develop with it in a career in areas where you need to communicate with people. So, empathy is called the main leadership quality.

Researchers at the non-profit American organization Catalyst interviewed about a thousand people, some of whom work under the guidance of empaths [18]. Catalyst found that teams led by an empathic leader were more efficient. According to the survey, under the guidance of empaths, people:

• offered new ideas;
• were involved in the work, despite the unstable situation in the world;
• noted the balance between work and the rest of life. People have time to go in for sports, go to visit and pay attention to their personal lives;
• women stated that they did not think about leaving or changing jobs precisely because the management showed empathy.

Disadvantages

Despite the significant advantages, empaths are often very vulnerable. Due to the fact that a large amount of internal resources is spent on living and understanding other people’s emotions, empaths often forget about themselves. Researcher Teyhou Smyth writes in detail about the shortcomings of empathic people [19]. Among them:

• frequent feeling of emotional exhaustion;
• difficulty maintaining personal boundaries;
• increased anxiety due to news and other media content;
• excessive habit of reflection and introspection;
• self-neglect due to lack of resources.

How an empath can protect himself

Empathy is needed both in personal life and in work. The unwise and thoughtless use of this skill can lead to emotional burnout and neglect of one’s own feelings. Elizaveta Muratova recommends asking yourself questions and noting what emotions, feelings, states of other people we can be in contact with without destroying ourselves. Many people can empathically experience and feel grief reactions. It is necessary to keep track of what happens to you when you encounter different emotions of others. To protect yourself as an empath, follow these steps: