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By criticizing or approving someone’s actions or character traits, we communicate almost more about ourselves than about the person we are discussing. Psychologist Juliana Brains shows how and why this happens.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are,” said writer Anais Nin.
The results of psychological research fit well with this idea, especially when it comes to social judgment. Our assessment of another person contains not only his objective characteristics, but also our point of view, which, in turn, depends on life experience, goals and values, hidden desires and fears.
What we most criticize and praise in other people says less about them than about us. Here are the results of five studies that shed light on this connection.
1. If you tend to see people through rose colored glasses…
… most likely, you are a very friendly and accommodating person, full of sympathy for others. There is nothing surprising in the fact that such people tend to look at the world positively, to notice the good in others first of all and give them a credit of trust, doubting the guilt of the one who acted badly.
What’s more, researchers have recently challenged the idea that benevolent people are blinded by their positive outlook. In fact, they have no difficulty in recognizing and condemning harmful behavior, such as selfishness or coldness. It’s just not very likely that they’ll show it. People who strive to see the best in people have many advantages. They tend to be happier in relationships, more satisfied with life.
But there are also downsides to a positive approach, such as a reluctance to discuss problems for fear of causing someone pain or discomfort. It is worth bearing in mind that true kindness sometimes goes hand in hand with strictness and honesty, and at first glance it does not seem like kindness, but in the end it turns out to be good for others and for you.
2. If you hate narcissists…
… then they themselves most likely are not inclined to narcissism. If narcissists don’t annoy you, you may have some narcissistic traits.
In one study, participants who scored higher on a narcissistic personality questionnaire were less critical of Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) statuses that reflected narcissistic tendencies, such as frequent status updates and messages like “if I ruled here.” , everything would be much cooler. The same narcissistic participants were much more critical of profiles that reflected the modesty and meekness of their creators.
Perhaps it’s because we tend to like people who are similar to us. Narcissists may view other narcissists as «soul mates» or respect their superiority.
3. If you judge someone based only on their actions and behavior…
… you most likely value independence, rely on intrinsic motivation. Those who do not link behavior and personality are more likely to be oriented to the “I” model, which is determined by social roles and context.
Observing, for example, a person who checks the fire alarm every night, the former are more likely to attribute this behavior to personality traits (for example, “cautious” or “neurotic”), while the latter are more likely to take into account the situation and say that this a person checks the alarm because of the increased risk of fires, and not because of personality traits.
Researchers have found that independent self patterns are more common in Western cultures, while interdependent self patterns are more common in Eastern cultures. But there are also differences within cultures, and they are related to factors such as social class, geographic region and religion, not to mention individual differences.
Many of us fall somewhere in between, seeing behavior as the result of both traits and situations. It cannot be said that one point of view is correct and the other is not. It is best to find a balance between the first and second.
4. If you irrationally dislike someone…
…perhaps you are jealous or envious. We don’t like other people for various reasons, but when the antipathy becomes too strong and even results in insults and violence, it’s worth considering whether something deeply personal is hiding behind your dislike.
It is difficult to admit this even to oneself, but unaccountable hatred can be caused by the success or luck of a person. For example, if your colleague received an award that you were counting on, he immediately begins to seem dishonorable and unprincipled.
Often the achievements of another are perceived by us as a threat, we strive to devalue them, to humiliate a more successful person. If not in words, then at least in thought. Research shows that we more negatively assess the success of someone who competes with us on the same field, and thus maintain our self-esteem.
5. If you criticize someone whose lifestyle is different from yours…
..this may mean that deep inside you doubt whether you yourself live correctly.
We want to feel good in the world we have created for ourselves. And when we see that someone is different from us, lives in a different coordinate system and is happy at the same time, we begin to experience an unpleasant feeling of split. How so! After all, our way of life is the only correct one! Therefore, everything else should be bad.
We idealize “ours”, and those who do not meet the ideal are assessed as dangerous. For example, married people are more likely to vote for a married mayoral candidate. After all, he is a more “normal”, full-fledged citizen. The same applies to attitudes to parenthood, diets, faith and much more. Such condemnation is not at all connected with an objective view of things, but with the personal characteristics of the dissatisfied.
About the Expert: Juliana Brains is a social and health psychologist.