Being happy is as important a goal as getting an education and finding a great job. But often we get in the way of self-dislike and lack of real-life skills hidden behind a façade of “too smart” and “too good.” Victoria Musvik on how not to fall into the «smart and unhappy» trap.
In my third year, my girlfriends and I sat in the class of our beloved professor. The students of our «faculty of brides» adored him: he gave the most fascinating lectures, could talk simply about complex things and colored boring material with funny stories.
In a huge audience, we sat opposite him and lovingly noted: today our idol put on a cornflower blue shirt — the color of his eyes. Once, talking about the aesthetics and ideals of beauty, he looked around with a calm look of his blue eyes throughout our flower garden and remarked: “But we have something different with you — we are smart.”
Of course it was embarrassing. Later I heard it many times. My London colleague David put it bluntly: “You understand, women who are engaged in intellectual work seem to have their vitality suppressed.” Someone gracefully quoted Edith Wharton, who wrote bitterly of the «preposterous regiment» of young emancipated women who had been taught by their elders to «substitute university degrees for the more complex art of living.»
More simple-hearted people told a joke about a herd of rams — in the East, the groom allegedly gives a herd of rams for an uneducated bride, and for the bride — a candidate of sciences, her family pays more rams to the groom.
Yes, I also discovered a “kitty” – flexible, playful and a little bitchy – in myself. She seemed to be just waiting for this.
Every time I heard this, something in me resonated with anxiety. I was writing my dissertation and I really didn’t feel happy. Relationships didn’t stick with me: all the time I came across some unpleasant types. The psychologist, to whom I went about this, hinted that it would not hurt me to develop a little frivolity in myself.
Years have passed since then, and I have changed a lot in my life. Overcame depression and learned to rejoice. For some time she completely left science, taking up work that gave more money. Then I partially returned back, because I can’t just give up on myself like that. I learned not to think: “Why did he do this?”, But to immediately give strange citizens a turn from the gate.
I met a wonderful person who appreciates in me both an equal, thinking partner, and, as he puts it, “such a kitty”. Yes, I also discovered a “kitty” – flexible, playful and a little bitchy – in myself. She seemed to be just waiting for this and gives me a lot of pleasant moments.
It’s easy to fall into the «smart and unhappy» trap. Some professions really dry the brain. They require concentration, falling out of everyday life, create a feeling of heaviness. But we choose them according to our characteristics. Let’s say if you already have a tendency towards mild autism and isolation, they will help you hide from the world, but they will also work against you, intensifying.
I had to learn to balance my «smart» side with something else. I took breaks from work and household chores, distracted by things that seemed illogical and “ladylike”: making jam and caring for flowers, oriental dancing and light flirting.
Mastering the other pole helped my friend overcome three years of infertility: on the advice of a psychologist, she, a serious head of an enterprise, began to draw and embroider “for herself”. Oddly enough, it worked pretty quickly. Of course, it is important to listen to yourself and choose what is pleasant, and not just abstractly “develop femininity”, as various gurus teach.
It is worth starting to think about how you will feed the children with this graceful womanizer, and something falls into place in your head
For people of both sexes, behind the façade of «too smart» and «too good» is often not only intelligence or kindness, but also a lack of real life skills. All this, coupled with self-dislike, excessive self-criticism and the Mother Teresa complex, often acquired in childhood, makes one choose monstrous subjects as partners. That is, theoretically, you value equal relationships, but you live with an alpha male or gigolo.
Many people with a well-spoken tongue are completely unsuitable for marriage, and you need to look not only at the beautiful construction of the argument, but also, for example, at the ability to reinforce words with deeds or earn money. Such considerations are branded as mercantile female tricks. But as soon as you start paying attention to your own comfort or thinking about how you will feed the children with this elegant ladies’ man, something falls into place in your head.
In our culture, there are indeed splits and strange attitudes towards women. Check out internet forums. A reader who expresses her opinion too harshly will be labeled “unsatisfied” or “unfeminine” there, and a sweet and prone to diminutive suffixes will be called “ovulyashka”. Whatever you are, it’s not the same. Many people find it convenient to shove you onto some kind of pole. We must resist!
I write and understand: it is generally accepted that women in our country seek marriage and use a lot of tricks for this. But there are quite a lot of those around me who made a career at a young age and until the age of 30-35 do not think at all that a certain amount of effort and time should be planned for developing the missing parts of themselves or learning new skills. Perhaps not one year. And that’s why it’s worth starting right now.
One thing I know for sure. With so many buts and confusing social and family messages, it’s possible to be both smart and happy these days. All you need to do is feel and understand. To remember the notorious biological clock not only with fear, but imagining wonderful years when you could enjoy life with a caring partner — it would be a shame to miss them.
And finally, apply smart books, not self-help, but about the «organization of society» that you read at the university, or go to therapy. It is worth understanding that being happy is as important a goal as getting an education and finding a great job. In the end, the brain is given to people for a reason, and it can be used in different directions and for different achievements.