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All parents dream of raising a “good child”. In fact, very often the word “good” means “comfortable” — such a baby who always obeys, fulfills any requirements, shows responsibility in those tasks that an adult has entrusted to him. And yet, it can hardly be assumed that parents, setting themselves the goal of raising a “good child”, dream of a soulless robot that unquestioningly obeys and fulfills all orders. Certainly not! The problem is that many of the qualities that parents want to see in their child (the ability to think creatively, courage, purposefulness and perseverance in achieving the goal) interfere with communication with the baby in everyday life. Is it necessary to limit the child in all his desires, or is it better to do without control, which narrows the scope of freedom? No need for extremes: only a reasonable balance between strict restrictions and freedom of action will allow your child to develop harmoniously.
Today we will talk about how to introduce requirements and prohibitions into the life of a baby and achieve his obedience. And for starters, let’s try to figure out why small children should obey. It is clear that parents only benefit from children’s obedience, but what is the use of children from the fact that adults control their behavior? Sheila Eiberg, family psychologist, creator of Parent-Child Relationship Therapy, answers this question like this:
- Learning to follow rules is an early part of socialization. Preschoolers who haven’t learned this from their parents will have a lot of trouble adjusting to kindergarten. In order for the baby to acquire the skills of self-discipline, the rules in the first stage must be imposed on him from the outside.
- The ability to obey and follow rules is important for the development of relationships between children. Toddlers without such skills may not be accepted by their peers in games, rejected, and then it is very difficult to change, even if the skill appears.
- Parents often perform self-service tasks themselves for poorly obedient children, preferring to quickly and efficiently do something themselves than to listen to the child’s excuses. As a result, by kindergarten, such children have a slight or moderate delay in the development of self-care skills.
- Children really want to be controlled. Total freedom is attractive, but it causes great anxiety in children, whose safety and survival depends on their parents.
- For simple safety reasons, young children must follow the rules and respond quickly to parental instructions.
So, it becomes obvious that the baby needs to be able to unquestioningly listen to parental requirements and prohibitions. However, it is important that their number be minimal, and they concern only special areas. After all, if there are a lot of them, and they will spread to any part of the child’s life, you risk getting a weak-willed, faceless little man. And very soon you will have to sound the alarm: “What to do, because my child is not at all adapted to life. He is not sure of himself, he is afraid of everything. He is timid, withdrawn, distrustful, touchy, does not get along with his peers.
In what areas of a child’s life are prohibitions simply necessary:
- They should concern the health of the child. It is necessary to prohibit those actions of the baby that can damage his health or threaten his life.
- The physical and personal safety of others. Under the ban here are those actions of the child that threaten life, health or are an act of disrespect towards another person.
- Preservation of material, cultural and spiritual values. It is necessary to prohibit the child from any destructive actions in relation to the natural and cultural environment.
There should also be few requirements, and they should be related to the age, individual characteristics of the child and your educational values.
So, how to correctly put forward your demands and prohibitions so that they are heard and taken into action. Let’s turn again to the advice of Sheila Eyberg. She suggests the following rules:
- Do not give indirect, evasive instructions, let them be clear and direct. The child immediately clearly understands that you require obedience from him. Example: direct — sit here, indirect — would you like to sit here?
- Give separate and short instructions, do not give compound and complex instructions. It is easier for a child to follow short than huge requirements that may seem impossible. Example: Short — put the books on the shelf. Difficult — clean your room.
- Give positive directions. Tell your child what to do, not what not to do. Children with negativism, who are in opposition to their parents, resist instructions that begin with “stop”, “don’t”. Example: negative — stop swinging in a chair, positive — get off your chair and come to me.
- Give specific instructions. Do not give vague or obscure instructions. This allows the child to understand exactly what is expected of him, removes confusion and confusion. Example: vague — behave decently, specific — please, speak more quietly.
- Use a neutral tone of voice, don’t beg or shout. This makes communication between you and your child more enjoyable. Example: Stand next to me immediately!!! or Well, please, my good, come to mommy, neutral — please come and stand next to me.
- Be polite and respectful while continuing to give clear and consistent instructions. This is less likely to cause disobedience in a child who is opposed to you. Example: Pass me the salt, please.
- Use directives only if you are sure that the child will be able to follow through. It will not be fair to punish disobedience if the child is not able to comply with your demand. Example: impossible instruction — draw a stop sign, feasible instruction — draw a picture.
- Make it so that obedience and disobedience always lead to the same consequences. This is the fastest way to teach young children to be more obedient. Obedience should not be taken as a gift. However, it must be celebrated. Also, you must be consistent in ensuring the consequences of this or that bad behavior of the child. It should always trigger the same actions of you.
Teaching kids obedience is one of the most important tasks of education. But still, it should not be reduced to dictatorship and tyranny, since in response you risk getting only one or another protective form of childish whims. It is much more important to master the technique of purposeful analysis of situations, and in each specific case, to deal not with the negative manifestations of childish obstinacy, but to try to understand the cause and meaning of what is happening. And in this we should rely on love for the baby and intuition, which Nature prudently laid in us.
constructive punishment
Adults create rules and prohibitions, and children break them. Children are not always obedient, and parents are not always fair. Sometimes a slap turns out to be the main or even the only way out of a crisis situation. Can you punish? At what price are you willing to defend parental authority? When is punishment beneficial? In this article you will find answers to many questions. See →
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