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Slow down the pace to better enjoy your children
It all started with the success of Carl Honoré’s book “Praise for Slowness” in 2005. At the time, he explained that we were going too fast, that we were doing too many things. This is how the concept of “slow life” appears in all areas of everyday life. Regarding issues related to parenthood, the American association “Slow Family Living”, orchestrated by Bernadette Noll and psychologist Carrie Contey, has enjoyed great success in recent years. Workshops are offered to families to learn to slow down the pace in their way of educating their toddlers. In France, the subject emerges slowly, with as a backdrop, questions about how parents “over-busy” their child. Nicknamed “helicopter parents”, they are hyper-parents, who want the best for their child and do everything for them. They end up controlling their every move, believing they are doing the right thing. Several specialists are sounding the alarm. In recent years, children under pressure, from CP to 6 years old, arrive for consultation. How to make parents aware that it is necessary to slow down while remaining benevolent? Decryption with Marie Gervais, education specialist and author of the book “La famille buissonnière”, and Patricia Chalon, psychologist, family specialist.
Are Parents Doing Too Much?
“I feel like I run with my daughter all the time. During the week, in the evening, I come home from work, then I have dinner, a bath, a story and I put her to bed at 21 p.m. With my wife, we often talk about it: it goes too quickly, we run all the time. Weekends are worse. If we have to see friends or family, I just have time to go to the park with my daughter so that she can let off steam for a few moments, ”says Pierre, father of a 3-year-old Amandine. “Hurry up”, “We’re going. Quick “,” We must go “, parents are in perpetual timing, a race against time behind which children must keep pace. This is what explains Marie Gervais, author of the book “La famille buissonnière”. She points the finger at our society to “too much”: we have too many things to do or see, too many choices, too much information, everything must go (too) quickly, we manage too many appointments. “Obviously, it would only take one parent to say stop for it to work. In the evening, when we meet, the ideal is to turn off the screens. This allows you to chat with your children, take the time to prepare meals and have dinner together. This allows you to open the discussion, to refocus on yourself and your loved ones, ”explains Marie Gervais. This is also the opinion of Patricia Chalon: “Parents are caught in a spiral. And their children too. We absolutely have to manage to put rules with times when we are all together, away from the screens, ”she says.
Change your lifestyle
“Spending time doing nothing means planning to be together as a family. And it does a lot of good for the children », Explains Patricia Chalon. Indeed, the specialists are clear: complicity and trust between parents and children are forged in these moments of sharing. They cement the family base. This is also the opinion of Caroline, mother of Maëli and Evan, 6 years old. ” I always keep two days off with my children in the week. Often it is Wednesday and Sunday. We are not planning anything special. If during these days, the children want to eat a cake, we improvise and cook it. If they don’t want to go to their sporting activity, I respect it and we stay at home. If the weather is nice, we go out for a walk. I adapt to what they want to do. In the end, I feel like I’m living in the present moment, and that’s great for them! I don’t feel them at all tired at night. They have a good pace, ”explains Caroline. The psychologist agrees: “Parents should set aside time without anything disturbing their relationship with their child. During the evening family meal, for example, we move away from the TV and listen to our children tell about their day, ”she advises. The weekend should be devoted to children. Taking the time to be a parent also means “taking back our ownership, being together with the children. It is very important for them. ”
Accept that the child does nothing
Living slower means breaking free from a lot of addictive habits. With children, this is all the more important as it allows you to spend more time with them. Patricia Chalon is categorical: “It strengthens the fundamentals of a family. Parents and their children are more complicit. It is a very important time for discussion to better understand who they are, and what they really want to do.e ”, she insists. Same story for Marie Gervais. “You have to learn to listen to your children. If the child does not want to do anything, we do not force him. If we go on a hike, it should not become a competition for the one who walks the fastest. On the contrary, we stop on the way to observe the insects, the flowers or the different plants. We take our time! », She specifies. Patricia Chalon explains the importance of boredom which allows children to listen to themselves and imagine new things. “Parents often need to fill their child’s schedule with the belief that they are doing the right thing. Wrongly. It is a way of relieving the guilt that they are not always there to take care of them. In the end, it’s counterproductive, ”says the psychologist. “When I made the decision to do less stuff, I would just go to the park with my son. He sat there listening to the sound of the birds. At home, he used to hang out on the sofa, aimlessly. At first, it was not easy. With my husband, we couldn’t stand it being left without doing anything. And finally, over time, we realized that his imagination was taking over. He started playing with a small object, making up stories for himself. It was good for her and for us parents too, ”explains Marie Gervais.
More time for the essentials
In her book, she details advice dedicated to parents, in particular to do outside, far from screens and timed activities, to rediscover her children, in freedom, in nature, without planning, without program. “I adopted this way of life very early on with my children. It gives them the opportunity to do things away from us. Climbing trees, digging the ground, catching an insect… it is essential that children can have their own experiences, while empowering them, ”she explains. Marie Gervais thinks that it is easy to impose hours in the day when screens are prohibited, or else to put all phones, tablets and other electronic devices in a closed “gadget” box. Other possibilities: devote one evening a week to doing something fun and relaxing with the family. We watch a movie while eating popcorn, we play a board game, or have fun inventing charades. Children can also be encouraged to explore the garden: plant, water and feed something edible, follow it and watch it grow. Finally, parents can set the morning alarm clock 10 minutes earlier, so the whole family can start the day without rushing. This is perhaps the secret of a new way of being parents, more relaxed, more attentive to our children.