«Sleeping Beauty»: how to understand that you are playing the role of a victim

— Hello! Am I late? You know, I was in such a hurry, then I forgot the address and was afraid that I didn’t write down your phone number either.

A nice curly blonde looks at me in confusion, and I feel that I owe her something to help immediately.

— Hello, everything is fine. Come in, take off your coat, sit down.

I can hardly restrain myself from rushing to help her take off her outer clothes.

— How would you like it, where should I sit?

You can choose any free chair you like. Tell me what’s bothering you?

— I don’t even know why they usually come to a psychologist. I was told that it was possible, but now I don’t even know. You should have prepared the question in advance, right? I think we can talk about the fact that I’m dating a man and would like us to move in together. Or rather, that I moved to him. But he doesn’t offer. I do not know what to do.

— What have you already done?

— I hinted that I would like to be together more often. She said that if he rented an apartment for the two of us, then we could invite friends there. In addition, the work has ceased to please, because the boss has changed. So I would get pregnant.

— And then it would be possible to leave work? What then?

“Then I would come up with something. Maybe she would start a network business or a blog. But as the child grows up…

The client seems to be stuck in the position of the victim, hence all the problems and requests in her confusing relationship.

The Victim Scenario and the Karpman Triangle

Before talking about the victim and how to find it in yourself, a few words about the Karpman triangle. Gerald Wicks, in The Psychotechnics of Paradox, wrote that it is a resource-poor system in which all participants try to illegally acquire love and status. Why illegal? Because instead of declaring their intentions and expectations, they unconsciously play their favorite scenario role. There are only three roles: rescuer, persecutor and victim. Today is about sacrifice.

«Ugly Duckling» or «Swan Princess»?

It is not circumstances that make us a victim, but an internal script. It is important to understand it and, if necessary, rewrite it.

The easiest way is to determine the myth that leads us through life, remembering our favorite fairy tales, films and cartoons. There are stories with heroic female characters: Gerda, Catwoman, Maleficent. Such plots determine the life scenario of a woman rescuer.

There are fairy tales with enchanted characters: «The Frog Princess», «The Ugly Duckling», «Donkey Skin». They determine the level of internal dissociation. Briefly explained, living through a psychotraumatic situation in childhood, a person develops an additional internal subpersonality as a defense.

There are fairy tales with evil, but shadowy characters that are attractive to someone: the Snow Queen herself, the Queen from Snow White. This scenario is typical for independent, independent female stalkers. They achieve everything themselves, do not expect favors from nature, lead the family and business with an unwavering hand.

There are also fairy tales about good, kind, but completely helpless princesses — this is the scenario of the victim. The heroines spend their days in chores, dreams and dreams. Of course, these are fairy tales about Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.

Victim’s Communication Habits

Each person at the first meeting evaluates the interlocutor in a matter of seconds. Theater theorist and researcher of the psychology of human behavior Pyotr Ershov believed that in the process of communication we demonstrate three possible types of extension: from above, below and on an equal footing. Accordingly, from a person stuck in a victim, all or several signs of an extension from below are immediately read.

Verbal signs (including in correspondence):

• pleading intonation;
• many apologies, requests and excuses;
• excessive gratitude;
• elevation of the interlocutor;
• complaints, reproaches and excuses;
• describing a hopeless situation without formulating a request or request.

Non-verbal signs:

• view from below;
• guilty or ingratiating intonations, giving a hand with the palm up, and so on;
• quiet, uncertain voice (there are many dots in written communication);
• pliability, desire to serve;
• lowered, raised shoulders.

The gist of the victim’s speech:

• Everything is bad, there is no way out, no one can help.
• Complaints about the injustice of life in which you have to work or take some kind of purposeful action.
• “Now no one does anything just like that, but if I had an orange, then I would definitely treat you.”
• A veiled desire to sit on someone’s neck and do nothing. Or do something for the soul, not profitable.
• Game «Yes, but.» Providing objections, explaining why nothing will work, to any constructive proposal to take some kind of action.

The other’s reaction to the victim:

• Feelings of pity, guilt and a desire to help. Remember, I almost ran to help take off my coat? This happens in female or male rescuers. It is to them that all the words and signals of the victim are mainly directed.
• Irritation and anger that proposals for constructive action are not accepted.
• Tiredness and disappointment because the victim has to do everything, but help still seems to flow into a black hole of helplessness.

The Hidden Benefits and Clear Drawbacks of the Sleeping Beauty Script

After some time of joint work with the client, the principles that guided her in life and which led her to a dead end became clear. Because the man, as it turned out later, did not want to rent an apartment, or live together, much less have children. The girl spent many months in vain illusions and expectations, simply because her fairy tale presupposed absolute passivity and expectation. For a person with such a script message, it is impossible to somehow indicate his desires to a man.

It seemed to her that femininity is equal to helplessness, if you are an eternal child, then a handsome prince will surely come and solve all domestic problems. I’m not against princes in general, but I do find that they either take too long to «jump» or turn out to be monsters. Let’s look at both options.

1. If a girl stuck in a victim scenario is not awakened with a kiss for a long time, then after 35 years she turns into an irritated man-hater. Gives a huge bill to all the men who have forgotten what it means to be a knight. With this approach, the chances of meeting at least a butler tend to zero.
2. Under the mask of a prince comes a tyrant. A person who demonstrates a patronizing attitude, a desire to solve all problems and care. Against the background of long expectations, the beauty turns off critical thinking, she does not see alarming signs. For example, that he breaks down on waiters, tells nasty things about ex-girlfriends, fantasizes about revenge on bosses, friends and other unworthy people. Often such relationships end in moral or physical violence after some time.

What to do?

1. Understand your script. Recall and analyze your favorite fairy tales, their characters and your expectations from relationships. Do you have the above manifestations of the victim? If so, under what circumstances do they make themselves felt?
2. Understand that female attractiveness does not equal helplessness. Let’s remember the heroines and actresses who occupy the first places in the lists of the most desirable women in the world: Jennifer Lawrence, Gal Gadot, Angelina Jolie. They became famous by playing not at all helpless women.
3. Stop looking for a father in men. There are different techniques for this. You can write a letter to your father on your own. But only sincere and real. Not spelled — draw you together. How did you spend your time as a child: watching TV, he took you to a kindergarten or a park. There must have been something good. Magically, after such work, a lot is getting better. Very often, the father unexpectedly calls and offers to meet. There is a chance to resolve with him those problems that you solve with men. Express grievances, make claims, demand love and care. Let the father be in his place, and the man in the place of an equal adult partner.
4. Start talking about your desires and set boundaries. Little by little, first to the closest people, then to acquaintances and colleagues. Look for an acceptable way to say «no» or state your expectations without blaming the other. For example, something like this: “I’m glad you gave me this whipped cream cake. Spent time, chose and bought it. I’d love to take a bite, but I can’t take any more. I have sports mode.

Marriage is not the end goal

We don’t know how we lived in fairy tales after the wedding, and we didn’t live that long in those days. I wish you a long and happy life with a partner you love, with whom you are not afraid to talk about feelings and desires, who reciprocates you. After the wedding, you still have to spend many years together.