Contents
Six golden rules for your partner to work
Gender
Laying the foundations of the relationship, nurturing the bond, creating healthy couple habits, enriching the union and doing what is necessary to grow together in equity are some of the keys to being successful in love.
Plant, water, fertilize, weed, prune and control pests. These six concepts that can be found in any gardening manual actually hide some of the keys that explain why some pairs work and others don’t. Nobody said that love was easy. Neither is gardening. Both require patience, attention, dedication, knowledge, and measure. Not much or little watering. Not much or little light. Not too much, not too little compost… And although some people seem to have a natural talent for gardening (and for love), the good news is that if we don’t have this talent we can work to cultivate it. At least that is what we have learned at ABC Bienestar, where we have had the opportunity to talk about love with seven psychologists, sexologists and therapists who have given names and surnames to what happens to us when we fall in love. We gather here, following the simile of gardening and the guidelines of these experts, the Six Golden Rules for Relationships to Work.
1. Plant or lay the foundations of the relationship
When one falls in love, anything goes. There are no limits, no time, no distance, no hunger, no sleep. Just the other one. But when the relationship between two who attract each other begins to be more than the effect of a chemical reaction, it is convenient to approach positions and know “what we want from each other”, as the psychotherapist and sexologist Fina Sanz points out in her book “The couple , a project of love ». In this work she talks about a concept that is not usually taken into account and that she calls “Couple contract” And that, as he explains, it makes a lot of sense to define because it is most likely that when a relationship begins, each member of the couple starts from very different realities and concepts that should be shared and negotiated sooner rather than later. “Each person has to think about what they want, what they don’t want and what would be negotiable or not,” advises Sanz.
In fact, the expert explains that one of the problems that involves not worrying about planting and laying the foundations of the relationship while being aware of what we want can lead to irreconcilable situations at some point. «They come together because they love each other, because they have sexual attraction, etc., but they do not know very well what each one would want from a partner and from a common project and that leads to things not being negotiated and in the end each of they are looking for very different things, “he explains. That is why planting implies laying the foundations after the sowing that we call amorousness.
2. Water or feed the bond every day
Some couples have a way of talking, looking at each other, or listening to each other that is admirable. Both give off a sense of unity that shows, as explained by psychologist and sentimental coach Lidia Alvarado, that they both made a decision: love is the most important thing in their lives. And that decision is what keeps them committed to caring for their relationship, regardless of the problems they have, whether at work, with their children, in the family, or due to issues related to health or money. But this, which seems so simple, does not come out on its own, as it requires an intense task that includes words such as «effort“,”work»Or«atención». Thus, what differentiates these unions are they are committed to working on their relationship and believe that this is their priority. Somehow, they water (or feed) that little plant with that dedication and measure of which we spoke at the beginning.
And for this, what is convenient is to create healthy partner habits Well, as Alvarado points out, a relationship is “the result of what is done most of the time and not of what is done only sometimes.” Some of those habits with which love is watered are: identifying the primary emotional needs (love / connection, importance, security and variety) of both, trusting each other, seeking intimate moments, expressing feelings and desires without hurting and have a common vision and goal.
3. Pay or enrich the union
Healthy relationships are built from the perspective of equality and at team feeling that makes each of the members complement the other and vice versa, as explained by the psychologist Marta de Prado in her book “How you relate as a couple.”
And to pay and enrich that feeling, he proposes to attend to three aspects. The first is to have passion and intimacy with the partner, not only in the sexual sphere. The key is that the other is «appetizing», In general, that is, both to chat, to have a laugh, to go for a walk, to watch a movie together, to cook together or even to tidy up the house …« The idea is that we are not with each other just to be there but rather that we enjoy being together “, reveals. The second implies engage affectivelyIn such a way that the relationship is based on mutual trust and no one is in doubt as to whether or not their partner will continue in the relationship tomorrow, as that generates anxiety and unbalances the relationship. And the third would be show mutual interest and admiration. «Asking him about his day-to-day life and recognizing his achievements so that we admire that person for who he is and how he enjoys what he does (regardless of whether or not it fits with our tastes or interests) leads us to strengthen ties with She suggest.
4. Eliminate weeds or separate the important from the accessory
What is not spoken, invented or imagined. For the psychiatrist and sexologist Yolanda Morant, the key to the success of a couple relationship lies in understanding that, in addition to the “you” and the “I” there is one more participant in the love equation that we do not always have: the “relationship” . And for the relationship itself to flow and work, communication is important. It allows us to feel that we take care of ourselves by respectfully expressing our wants and needs, while respecting those of our partner. Communicating will allow us to share our opinions on different aspects or situations that arise in life as a couple. And most importantly, it will allow to solve conflicts effectively, recognize and correct vulnerabilities and strengthen the couple.
Let us remember that conflicts are inevitable, that they simply appear when our way of thinking is different from that of our partner. Listening to what the other has to say will help to make our thinking more flexible, to see another point of view and to assess aspects that we had not taken into account so that we can ensure that the decisions made have been based on the analysis of all the possibilities. Listening to my partner and feeling listened to results in a better relationship climate, allows us to separate the important from the accessory and, in some way, remove the weeds.
5. Prune or do what is necessary to grow together
“Love is not enough for a relationship to work.” This revealing phrase by the psychologist and therapist Carmen Benítez invites us to reflect on the multiple edges that make up the complicated polyhedron of sentimental ties. And it turns out that love is not enough because, as he explains, sometimes we are not mature Either because we are loaded with traumas from the past and we want the other person to resolve them or because there is no balance between what we give and what we receive or because we simply have not measured love. And all kinds of love (with the partner, with the children, with the parents, with the friends…) has a measure, according to Benítez clarifies. When we talk about love as a couple, it is about “wanting better” not about “wanting more.”
Pruning, removing, cutting or suppressing the old to let the new sprout, briskly, vigorously and firmly allows us to explore virgin terrain and feel that we grow together every day.
6. Control pests or identify possible crises in time
When you argue more than you enjoy, when you start not wanting to be intimate, when you get more defects than praise, when we feel unhappy in the relationship, when there are constant reproaches and complaints, when we try to change the other, when we stop admiring him or when respect is lost, things go wrong and it is time to act to take a step backwards (perhaps definitively) or forward to be able to rebuild what has been damaged, as explained by psychologists Patri Psicologa and Silvia Congost in his work “Ten ways to burden your relationship.”
Some good resources to prevent that plague (or conflict) from completely destroying the relationship are, according to Patri Psychologist reveals, being clear that being in love is wanting, wanting, enjoying, walking in parallel, wanting a future project next to that person , have complicity, feel admiration, think about the other, wish their happiness, protect, add, learn, be advised, communicate and share. «When you are in love, you live life from another perspective and with another intensity. You are committed and you know how to forgive, because pride and love are fatal, “he concludes.