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Our behavior in love and family relationships is largely determined by cultural stereotypes and attitudes. We know «how it should be». But writer Mark Manson came to the conclusion that the happiest couples stay together all their lives, acting contrary to generally accepted norms. Perhaps he is right?
Let’s be honest: relationships are easier to end than to repair. I myself have done this many times, but I will try to write about the secrets of a healthy relationship. I will not once again share with you advice «talk, hug, enjoy the sunsets and play with puppies together.» First, there are a lot of such articles. Secondly, those who love each other do not need to be reminded to hold hands and look into the distance together.
Let’s talk about more important issues that receive little «airtime». About how partners argue, do not spare each other’s feelings, do not hide mutual dissatisfaction, or are carried away by someone else. This happens all the time, but it’s not customary to talk about it, it’s much easier to talk about puppies and sunsets.
Let’s discuss the qualities that do not fit into the traditional idea of love, but are necessary for a long-term successful relationship.
1. Leave some conflicts unresolved
You must have heard of John Gottman. This psychologist understands relationships in the same way that Michael Jordan understands basketball. He not only studies married couples for more than 40 years, but created a scientific direction.
Gottman developed the «thin slices» method: spouses are connected to biometric devices, and while they discuss their problems, their conversation is recorded on video. Each fragment of the dialogue is then analyzed (body language, tone, specific words) and concluded how long this marriage will last.
He can predict with 91% accuracy that newlyweds will divorce in 10 years, which is an astonishingly high result for a psychological study. His seminars have saved troubled marriages more than marriage counseling, his scientific research has been awarded, and he has written nine books on sexual relationships, family therapy, and the art of trust.
There is no need to change someone in order to love. Minor disagreements don’t get in the way of a healthy relationship.
In studying successful marriages, including those that have lasted forty-plus years, Gottman has consistently found a pattern: the happiest couples always have unresolved conflicts, and often they last for decades. And unhappy couples tried to sort out the slightest disagreement, fearing that otherwise they would be divided by an abyss of contradictions, and soon such an abyss really arose.
Everyone likes to dream of true love. But «true» does not mean «ideal». Sometimes you have to put up with what you don’t like. Happy couples accept the inevitability of conflicts, understand that everything cannot be arranged in a partner, this is normal. There is no need to change someone in order to love. Small disagreements are not a hindrance to a healthy relationship. The desire to resolve the conflict at any cost creates even more problems. Some wars are simply not worth starting. “Live and let live” is the best relationship strategy.
2. Don’t be afraid to tell the truth
My girlfriend is one of those who spend half their lives in front of a mirror. She loves to look amazing. Whenever we are going somewhere, she conjures an hour in the bathroom with makeup, hair, clothes, and then asks: “Well, how?” Usually great, sometimes terrible. She tries something crazy with her hair, or she decides to wear shoes from the avant-garde collection of some crazy fashion designer. When I talk about it, she usually snorts, then retires to the bathroom, redoes everything, and we are half an hour late.
As a rule, men in such a situation lie to please their girlfriends or wives, I do not. Why? It’s more important to me to be honest than to pretend that everything is fine. I will never pretend to be in front of the one I love.
It is important that the couple had something more than the desire to constantly please each other.
Fortunately, I met a woman who is happy with this. I also sometimes get it, I appreciate her frankness. Of course, my ego protests, I grumble, resent and try to argue, but after a couple of hours I admit that she is right and thanks to her I have become better in some ways.
If you try your best to always be good, it will be bad. Relationships fall apart for no apparent reason. It is important that the couple had something more than the desire to constantly please each other. Sunsets and puppies will be, if you remember the main thing: justice, trust, mutual respect. If everything is tired and I want to be alone, I should tell the girl about this without blaming her, and she should listen without blaming me, although it is unpleasant for her. If I seem cold and indifferent, she should say so, and I should listen without recrimination.
Such conversations are the foundation of a healthy relationship that respects the needs of the other. Without this, communication is lost, and we lose each other.
3. Let it all end someday
Sacrificial love is idealized in our culture. In fact, Romeo and Juliet is a satire that shows the vicissitudes of young love and how reckless romantic impulses lead to stupid and dangerous deeds. For some reason we think that all this is very sublime. This irrational idealization forces many to stay with cruel or inattentive partners, forget about themselves and their needs, turn into martyrs, drown out their own pain and suffering until «until death do us part.»
Readiness for such an outcome allows you to set clear boundaries in which both partners grow.
Sometimes relationships can be called happy thanks to the only right decision — to end them on time, before it becomes unbearable. The readiness for such an outcome allows you to set clear boundaries in which both partners grow.
“Till death do us part” sounds romantic, but by sacrificing ourselves, our values, and our needs for the sake of relationships, we cause stagnation. There is no time to develop and work on yourself, you have to constantly make sure that your partner is nearby. And he does not have to work on himself, we are close. This is a real problem.
4. Get involved with other people
In the generally accepted view, even the thought of someone else besides a life partner is criminal. As if love were a sect where the adept would rather swallow cyanide than allow himself to imagine that another faith might also be true. As much as we would like to think that our partner’s eyes are focused only on us, biology says otherwise. Once the honeymoon phase comes to an end, feelings lose their novelty, and sexual attraction is partly due to new sensations.
Many happily married people are horrified by the fact that they find someone attractive. But we are not just able to sympathize with several people at the same time, this is a biological necessity. However, the choice of action is always ours. Most choose not to follow desires. They come and go like waves, leaving us in the same place with the same partner.
In such cases, it is easy to be ashamed of our thoughts: if they flirt with us and we like it, or if we suddenly caught ourselves in sexual fantasies, something is wrong with us or the relationship. It is healthier to allow yourself to plunge into these emotions, and then let go. By suppressing feelings, we ultimately give them power over us and let them control our behavior.
Most of the time we cannot control our feelings, thoughts and perceptions, but we can control our actions.
It is dangerous to stifle passions, otherwise there is a risk of one day doing something that you will regret very quickly. Those who tend to suppress desires often project what is happening onto their partner, become jealous, try to control every breath and demand undivided attention to their person. It’s nice to see nice people. And this does not change anything in our relationship with a permanent partner. But when we turn off the impulses of attraction to other people, we turn off the attraction to our loved one.
I see a beautiful woman and I enjoy it like any man. But it also reminds me why, of all the beauties in the world, I chose one. Yes, I appreciate the attention and am not averse to flirting, but all this only strengthens my devotion. True intimacy is rare, and I would never risk losing it. Most of the time we cannot control our feelings, thoughts and perceptions, but we can control our actions. To remain attached to a particular person is an action, and let everything else come and go, as nature intended.
5. Spending time apart
You know how it is: a man starts dating a woman and quits football and Friday nights, or a girl suddenly decides to like video games that her boyfriend likes, although she doesn’t really know how to handle an Xbox. Everyone probably has friends who literally fell out of life as soon as they started a relationship. When we are in love, we want to throw our lives at the feet of the person we love. A delightful feeling, but the consequences are not far off.
It is important to periodically move away from a partner, to defend your right to privacy, not to forget about interests and hobbies. Friends don’t have to be in common, and it’s okay to be somewhere apart. Always be yourself, because that’s what attracted a partner. There is nothing to breathe in tightness, there is not enough oxygen, the flame of love goes out, and only sparks remain that cannot be blown up.
6. Accept each other’s flaws
In the novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera talks about two types of womanizers: some dream of an ideal woman and cannot meet her in any way, others are sure that every woman they meet is ideal.
In my opinion, this observation applies not only to womanizers, but also to everyone who is unlucky in love. Such people try in vain to change their partner to fit the ideal. Or idealized. Let’s not complicate. Everyone has flaws and shortcomings. Nobody can be forced to change. Therefore, you will have to meet imperfect people and put up with their imperfection, learn to appreciate it.
The power of love is best measured by how we perceive our partner’s shortcomings. If we can accept and even find cute each other’s obsession with cleanliness, clumsy gallantry and other quirks, there is real intimacy between us.
Wholeness is not achieved by the fusion of two ideals: two imperfections meet to complement each other.
This is best said by Plato in the famous dialogue «Feast». Initially, there were no men and women, people were androgynous and whole. They did not know doubts and failures and possessed such power that they rebelled against the gods. The gods considered. I did not want to destroy all of humanity, otherwise there would be no one to rule, but people had to be punished. Then Zeus divided each mortal into two parts, a man and a woman, and doomed him to wander the world in search of his soul mate. Only by reuniting could people become a single and powerful whole. This integrity is not achieved by the fusion of two ideals: two imperfections meet to complement and balance each other.
As the artist Alex Gray said: “True love is a successful combination of the pathologies of two people.” Love by default is insane and contradictory. And most of all, it manifests itself in the fact that opposites unite, and weaknesses touch. Perhaps we come together because we are drawn to each other’s strengths, but it is only our weaknesses that determine whether we can stick together.
About the Author: Mark Manson is a writer, entrepreneur, blogger, and author of The Subtle Art of Giving a Fuck and The Man’s Guide: How to Attract a Woman with Honesty.