Single women scare men?

Loneliness … “I am standing in the middle of an unfamiliar city, the phone is discharged, it is not clear where to go — and passers-by are hurrying around about their business, who do not care about my worries” — this feeling is probably familiar to everyone. Sometimes this is an instant flash, sometimes a mood that lasts a week or two. And then it is replaced by new impressions.

But there is another loneliness — a way of life when, by our choice or due to circumstances, we do not have a permanent partner. In Vladimir Menshov’s film Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears (1980), Gosha says to Katya: «You have the look of an unmarried woman.» Does loneliness really leave an imprint on a woman that men can “read”? So it is, says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov, and here are the signs that give out this state: independence, self-sufficiency, freedom, dignity, competitiveness, rigidity, rationality, determination, categoricalness, initiative, self-confidence, lack of empathy.

The loneliness of the strong…

In general, all these qualities add up to the image of a strong woman. Adriana, 34, a logistics manager, describes herself as a «typical businesswoman»: «I have ways to satisfy my sexual desires, and none of them involve living together. I have not yet met a man with whom I would like to live. But I don’t feel like I really need it.» Women with high self-esteem compare applicants with the ideal and evaluate them critically. “Men are painfully experiencing the passive position of those being evaluated, feeling the threat of defeat in it,” emphasizes Alexander Orlov, “that is why many prefer not to fall into such a position at all.” It is not difficult to do this — they avoid the company of «appraisers».

But after all, an “ordinary” woman, moderately successful and not too self-confident, can remain without a partner? Their loneliness is most likely a temporary situation, the psychotherapist clarifies. But it runs the risk of becoming permanent if accompanied by sad self-absorption.

…and the weak

For some women, behind the apparent desire to find a partner, dissatisfaction, resentment and hidden hostility towards a man are hidden. Their brokenness, addiction, unbalanced emotionality, according to the psychotherapist, act on men as a sign “no entry”.

The common thing for strong and weak single women is a lack of empathy, isolation on oneself, on one’s own … in the first case — goals and interests, in the second — problems and troubles. Both of them treat the partner as a way to satisfy their needs. But the dissatisfaction of the woman is so great that the man is not sure if he can give her what she lacks.

So weak women awaken in men almost the same fears as strong ones. But if the “heroine” of a man, according to Alexander Orlov, “prefers to admire from afar and scatter when she approaches,” then in the case of an “unfortunate” woman, male aggression, masking fear, can become a paradoxical reaction. Why are men so afraid?

Hidden threat

At the heart of all men’s fears is the fear of loss of masculinity. “This is a universal experience,” emphasizes Alexander Orlov, “hidden in the depths of the psyche of every man.” Depending on the personal history and situation, it manifests itself in different ways:

• fear of losing power over your life, becoming completely dependent (fear of «henpecked»);
• fear of losing significance in one’s own eyes and losing the respect of others, of becoming an object of contempt (fear of a «cuckold»);
• fear of losing self-worth, not coping with tasks, not achieving goals (fear of a “loser”);
• fear of one’s failure, primarily sexual, but also in a broader sense (fear of the «impotent»).

“Men are afraid of women in general,” Alexander Orlov is sure, “but they are more afraid of single women. After all, a single woman is a woman in itself, not diluted with a “girlfriend”, “mother”, “wife”. She challenges: «Can you be my partner, match me, the Woman?» and threatens him with defeat. “No man is fully aware of his fear,” the psychotherapist clarifies. “However, the loss of any of the qualities associated with his masculinity (even if this loss occurs only in his imagination) is more significant for him than all the pluses that she embodies.”

Psychoanalysts believe that the basis of this unconscious fear is the memory of the infant’s complete dependence on the mother and her attitude towards him. And in the Jungian understanding, the roots of fear beyond the personal in the collective unconscious capture archaic depths in which the image of the Mother Goddess doubles: the one who gives life can also take it away. Encountering a single «100%» woman awakens dormant fear in men, and they flee or — less often — come to grips with her in the hope of winning. This scheme leaves room for a short, passionate fight, but no partnership.

Restore balance

“I have everything, there is not only a man with whom I could live!” This exclamation of amazement is heard more and more often. “Not understanding the reasons for their loneliness, women try to be more successful, more beautiful, more educated. However, becoming more perfect, they only exacerbate their loneliness,” Alexander Orlov is convinced. The struggle for power on which modern society is based leads to a war of the sexes.

“The legalization of homosexuality, the promotion of a unisex culture, these are all attempts to ease the growing gender confrontation,” the psychotherapist continues. What will be the real key to the problem? In part, men could compensate for their fears by undergoing psychotherapy and strengthening their sense of control (significance, self-worth, attractiveness …). However, the best solution, according to Alexander Orlov, is deep psychotherapy for women, “the purpose of which is to develop their ability to empathize, emotional understanding and support of another person (child, man, woman).”

Every woman has the potential of femininity, access to which is blocked by modern civilization with its egocentrism, dominance, competition. Having overcome these artificial barriers, a woman can restore the inner balance between the male and female principles. These two energies coexist in our psyches, but today’s women have a noticeable predominance towards the male, which gives rise to the «warrior» type, a vivid example of which is shown in the film «Kill Bill» by Quentin Tarantino.

The woman has to be reborn from the depths of the unconscious psychic life. Her femininity presupposes not only a great rage-hatred for the male enslaver, but also a great love-empathy for this other, so unlike her being.

What are men afraid of?

“The fear of loneliness scares me in women. After thirty they are obsessed with the fact that they need a man and children. It’s both sad and disturbing and very annoying.”

Evgeniy, 40 years old

“At work, they always prove something, as if they are afraid in advance that they will start to object, and they try to prevent this.”

Ivan, 34 years old

“There are pros and cons to sexual freedom. It seems to me that if a girl feels sexually relaxed, she will betray me more easily. I can’t say that I only like submissive women. But still, they shouldn’t act like men.»

Rustam, 25 years old

“Attractiveness is a form of manipulation. A sexy girl will achieve anything from colleagues and bosses. It scares me, because I know that I myself succumb to it. ”

Igor, 49 years old

«Their look! When a woman studies me, I get lost. They are self-confident, do not hesitate to consider us, evaluate and take the first step in a relationship. All of this is depressing.»

Alexander, 29 years old

“Women scared me 50 years ago! Then I thought that I should take the initiative, and then suddenly it turned out that they have their own sexual desires and appetites. And I was worried: what if I don’t pull it?

Peter, 67 years old