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Women have a number of prejudices about bachelors. Especially those who are called «hardened». Is there any truth in these stereotypes?
Windy Don Juan, old bachelors, devoted sons … How do women explain to themselves why a man is lonely?
“I have no prejudice against bachelors,” says Sofia, 46. “I draw for myself the image of the original, independent, like myself!” Divorced 38-year-old Polina, a mother of three daughters, is afraid of men who «have been stewing in their own juice for 40 years.» She believes that they are “selfish, womanizer and obsessed with their independence. How can they fit a woman with children into their lives and be faithful to her?
Women’s judgments are firm and sometimes harsh. They reflect their expectations and often disappointments. Successful and independent, loners and adventurers — their stereotypes are similar, despite differences in personal life experiences.
«Seducer»
This is how many women see the unmarried. Unreliable, sexually intemperate, narcissistic, this man loses interest in a lady as soon as he receives signs of reciprocal sympathy. Generations of deceived women branded the men who abandoned them and passed on to their daughters their resentment and dislike for such a masculine image.
However, the responsibility for parting does not always lie with the man.
“Sometimes women unwittingly provoke a break,” notes family psychologist Inna Shifanova, “because of the belief that it is impossible to love them all the time and the relationship (sooner or later) will fall apart. Those who were disliked in childhood or betrayed in their first love relationship retain the fear of rejection.
They avoid communication or create obstacles for it themselves: jealousy, an insatiable demand for attention, tightness, comparing a partner with other men prevent them from opening up to another and fully engaging in relationships. Their feelings are contradictory: they want a relationship, but they are afraid to suffer again.”
«Weird Old Bachelor»
An eccentric who has always lived alone, is not able to give up any of his habits and is afraid of any change — another image of a bachelor. The stereotype is not completely harmless: it helps a woman forget that love is concessions and compromises on both sides, and at the same time hide her own bachelor habits from herself. For example, on Sundays, stay in your pajamas until XNUMX p.m. or watch five episodes of Desperate Housewives in a row.
Inna Shifanova says: “When I ask single clients what is most important for them in a possible relationship, they often answer:“ I want him to be kind, give me flowers (bought an apartment, a car), become a good father. Women talk only about him, the psychologist notes, about their expectations, sometimes contradictory. But love is a path that has to be walked towards each other.
«Sissy»
A familiar image — a man secretly in love with his own mother, dependent on her. He seeks the protection of a woman, but is afraid to fall under her control. He has attractive features: brought up by a woman, he speaks about feelings easier than his «courageous» brothers; accustomed to obey, willingly fulfills the wishes of a friend.
“But few women want to compete with his mother,” explains the psychologist. “If a friend manages to take the place of a “caring mother”, an unconscious incest prohibition will kill her sexual attractiveness in the eyes of a partner.”
In addition, an independent adult woman is unlikely to want to appear in public with a «sissy»
His insecurities and sensuality can jeopardize her self-respect. Perhaps she will even prefer a closeted homosexual to him: at least you can have a good time with him, although you should not count on a long-term relationship.
«Abandoned husband with a broken heart»
There are many prejudices against such a man. It is believed that he uses his new girlfriend as a nurse: she will understand and console, raise her fallen self-esteem. And if he has children, the woman will have to take care of them and conduct diplomatic negotiations with her ex-wife.
“Comparison with an ex-wife is painful, but inevitable,” notes a family psychologist. “Even if a man keeps silent, a woman will still think whether she treats children this way, whether she does better housekeeping than her predecessor.”
Many women in search of a partner prefer widowers who yearn for life as a couple. They often idealize the lost girlfriend, but still strive to enter into a new strong relationship, seeing them as a protection against old age. “The widowers are going straight to the goal,” says 40-year-old Valeria. “They are more mature and feel less sorry for themselves.”
Objective view
Justified stereotypes about single men or not, they remain as tenacious as the good old fairy tale about the handsome prince. A man must be in love, attentive, courageous, with a sense of humor, independent and reliable … Everything happens as if women had previously determined the ideal that men must meet in all respects.
However, stereotypes can also say a lot about the nature of those who, with their help, are trying to hang another label.
“Each of us has our own system of ideas, fears, expectations that come from experience, parental scenarios and social attitudes,” Inna Shifanova reflects. “Wishing to be objective, we actually sift reality through the sieve of our stereotypes: the more there are, the smaller the gaps.”
Getting rid of the «lattice» is difficult, because we simply do not notice it. In addition, to some extent, it really protects us from mistakes. But, alas, from discoveries too! And often the price of such “wisdom” is loneliness.
All of us, both men and women, are unique. That is why it is sometimes so difficult for us to find a mate — and why, when we find it, it brings us so much joy.
Why do they stay lonely?
There are so many women around them who dream of finding a life partner — but these men refuse to enter into a long-term relationship. What are the underlying reasons that make them hold on tightly to their loneliness?
“I’m tired of everyone thinking they have the right to ask me why I’m not getting married,” says 48-year-old Mikhail. — To get rid of them, I bought a wedding ring and put it on my left hand, as if I were divorced or widowed. If they still ask me what it means, I’m not lying — I just take a deep breath and say: “Better not ask!” Usually this is enough.
It is impossible to name with certainty one or even several reasons why a man prefers loneliness.
The clue may be in family history, and in sexual problems. “Even a survey will not help here,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova. — Because among the reasons for loneliness may be, for example, hidden homosexuality. Many men do not even admit it to themselves and may prefer total abstinence.”
Isn’t this the key to some of the Platonic romances, in which dates and frank conversations do not lead to physical intimacy and often leave women bewildered?
“This is not excluded, but the reason may be elsewhere,” notes sexologist Irina Panyukova. — To be sexually incompetent, especially after a long break in sexual life, many men are afraid and therefore avoid any physical contact. Women often do not realize how vulnerable men are in this area. And subsequently, fear can overpower or completely suppress desire.
A patient and generous woman is able to help a man overcome many fears. However, experts remind that there are also such problems that cannot be solved without the help of a psychologist — and this will be possible only if the man himself wants these changes.