One day my son (age 8) came back from swimming practice in a gloomy mood. I started asking questions and found out that it was all about a friend. A friend during training achieved some outstanding results. The coach praised a friend. My son didn’t even come close to his friend’s success in that workout. This was a real blow to my son.
As a result, the child made the following conclusion: I will not go swimming anymore. Listening to a coach praise someone other than you is unpleasant. A friend is better than me in everything, oh why is that. How unhappy I am, etc.
I confess that I reacted incorrectly at first. I got hooked on the topic of envy. I began to convince my son that “your friend is not better in everything,” that you will succeed too. The son listened to all this with a displeased, dreary face. By the end of the conversation, it seems, he softened a little, but I myself no longer liked where we taxied. “But he doesn’t know how! But I can. And he still fails here. And I can do it, ”it all sounded somehow disgusting. And the problem was not solved: the next day, the son began to whine again that he did not want to go to the pool anymore.
Fortunately, I had the opportunity to ask Nikolai Ivanovich what he thought about this topic. What Nikolai Ivanovich voiced worked 100%. So what to do in such situations:
1) Put aside the topic of envy altogether, because this is empty.
2) To voice two rules to the child: firstly, in our family, adults decide whether it is time for the child to give up or not, and secondly, in our family we are friends with those who are better than us in something.
That is exactly what I did.
Our conversation with my son went something like this.
I don’t want to go to the pool anymore! I can’t do anything! The coach praises only a friend and some others, but not me.
«So you want to give up?» Quit swimming?
— Yes!
“I heard you and I want to tell you something now. You just don’t seem to know that our family has a rule. In our family, it is not the child who decides whether to throw something to him or not. The adults decide.
“But I can’t do anything.
— Yes, some children do not succeed and never succeed. It happens. And it happens that children do not succeed at first, and then succeed. An adult intelligent person sees whether the child will succeed in the future or not. Dad and I see that in your future it will be in swimming — it will work out. Therefore, we do not allow you to surrender in swimming.
— What if it doesn’t work? How do you know?
— What do you think: are my dad and I stupid or smart?
— Smart.
— So, if we say that it will work out, you can trust us?
— Yes.
— Well, fine.
— But the coach will praise Sasha again!
“Oh, sorry, please, dad and I forgot to tell you one more rule. In our family, we are friends with those who are better than us in some way. It is necessary.
«Then I’ll always be jealous.»
“You will not envy, but be proud of your friends.
— I can’t be proud!
“That’s because you haven’t learned to be proud. I will teach you now. When your friend does something better than you, you smile at him like this, come up to him and say joyfully: “Great! Congratulations! You’re cool! Youth!»
— (the son rehearses the intonation and words, we say it all several times — the son laughs)
— (summarizing): So, the decision on whether to quit or not to quit something is made by the parents. We are friends with strong, interesting guys. If you have a friend who is worse than you in everything, be sure to tell dad and me. We will think about what to do, because this is not the case.
— Yes! I’ll tell you! (and he shines, satisfied)
In the pool from that conversation — skipping. Two weeks later, the coach praised our son as well. With Sasha, it’s still “inseparable-water”. To be honest, a couple of times, in order to check, I asked, as if by chance, the question “But you have a new friend. Is there anything he can do that you can’t do yet?» The son reacted calmly, thoughtfully. Then he said that this boy draws animals very well. Previously, even a hint of the topic “someone is better” caused a storm of emotions. Now it has become very easy to communicate with my son. Also, now there is confidence that he will choose the most worthy friends for himself! Nikolay Ivanovich, many thanks to you from our whole family.
I asked my husband about his possible solution if our son (14 years old) said that he was quitting, say, football, because a friend was better at it.
The husband suggested 2 options, in my opinion interesting, of a conversation with his son (without intonation), which I want to share:
- Tell me, son, would you respect me after I quit my job, what I now earn and support my family, just because my friend, Uncle Vitya, gets a higher harvest and, accordingly, income. (Here I praised my husband and offered to think about what he would say in order to give his son a vector for development forward, to become better, at least himself).
- Son, let’s remember the goal that you and I planned to achieve by visiting this section. Do you think that your friend’s success is a hindrance to achieving exactly your goal? And what, it will be so easy to get around you in life? (I said that I liked this option too and suggested that my husband remember the role of the father — as an assistant in achieving his wonderful goal, including not only this one, but in life in general, that is, a joint plan, with clear responsibilities for everyone (dad , mother, son) who are interested in achieving goals by their son).
In addition, Dima (my husband) told a story from the life of Cristiano Ronaldo (a Portuguese football player who plays for the Spanish club Real Madrid and the Portuguese national team, in which he became the European champion in 2016).
Ronaldo started playing football, probably from the cradle. But he started his professional career at Sporting. I will not talk about his career growth for a long time. But one story really deserves special interest.
At first, Ronaldo played in the reserve team of Sporting. His childhood friend (I don’t remember his name) was a partner in the attack, and he was recruiting for the main team. The coach delivered an ultimatum — whoever manages to score a goal will go to the main team. At the end of the decisive match, a friend of Ronaldo could score into an empty net and achieve the goal. But instead, he passed to Cristiano, who scored. When Ronaldo asked why he did this, he replied that he was simply better than him. So Ronaldo became a base player.
In one of the Spanish sports magazines there is an interview with that same friend. He admitted that every year he receives a six-figure sum from Ronaldo, his children live in a luxurious house, study in the best schools, and all this at the expense of a grateful famous Portuguese friend, Cristiano, who was better at football than he was.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.