Offensive words thrown in the heat of the moment are not just words. Behind them are poisonous thoughts. They undermine the relationship, but many people do not even realize that they think so badly of each other, and they catch on when it’s too late. Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein talks about this.
Wherever you turn, you will certainly stumble upon a poor fellow who does not have a personal life. We have heard enough of how acquaintances and strangers complain about problematic relationships, and we ourselves have started similar conversations more than once. Most often in such cases, the same phrases sound: “She is a complete egoist”, “How can you wait for him”, “He is a terrible bore, he even irons his jeans”, “Everything should be as he said”, “She thinks that there is only her opinion and wrong.
One day, on a wonderfully warm day, I was climbing Piesteva Peak in Arizona. Imbued with a sense of unity with mother nature, I climbed the picturesque slope and to my surprise I heard that some tourists were complaining to each other about their husbands and loved ones. There is no escape from talking about relationships, even in the wilderness.
Twenty years later, walking in the park near the office, I came across a couple in their thirties arguing about something. Even from a decent distance, you could hear the woman shouting that he was hopelessly stupid, and the partner in response yelled that she was an idiot.
There are plenty of such cases. Hundreds of people are dissatisfied with close relationships, or worse, feel emotionally abandoned and humiliated. It seems that literally everywhere there are those who have been cruelly deceived in their desire to find love.
I know that in the heat of the moment people express everything that hurts, and believe that it is true: “She is an incorrigible lazybones”, “He never listens”, “You can’t argue with her”, “He doesn’t consider anyone”. Unsightly conclusions burn like beacons of truth in the sea of despair where those whose relationships go under are floundering.
But wait. Think well. It is practically impossible for a partner to never listen or take no account of anyone. Granted, at times it seems that it is, but I have never met a person who does not listen at all or is incapable of paying attention.
Of course, when one partner tosses “You never listen” to the other, the partner reacts and the couple moves on to the next scene: “Not true! Last night I listened to you for two hours…” or “Look at yourself…”.
There are no telepaths, just like flawless people. There are no those who have never in their life lost their tongues: “You are an idiot”, “I have never seen the worst ulcer”, “I have never met such stubborn people like you”. These are all examples of toxic thoughts (exaggerations, labels, categorical beliefs) voiced as if there is no doubt about it. And they cause enormous moral damage.
Most Common Toxic Thoughts
Categorical judgments
It seems that the partner always does everything wrong or never does anything right (“He always does it his own way!”).
Catastrophic conclusions
One partner exaggerates the negative consequences of the actions of the other («She is late in payment, and now we will definitely go to the almshouse»).
Setting «should»
One partner believes that the other will understand his or her needs only because he «should» know about them («He must know how much I hate my job, even though I paint its virtues on every corner»).
Labeling
The habit of emphasizing the partner’s minor mistakes makes it difficult to see his best qualities (“She is an incorrigible lazy person!”).
«Who is guilty»
To assert that all problems in a relationship, and at the same time other troubles, occur only through the fault of a partner (“He ruined my whole life!”).
Emotional «short circuit»
This happens when one partner cuts off the other in mid-sentence, because he allegedly does not control himself (“You can’t prove anything to her!”).
wild imagination
To make hasty conclusions about the behavior of a partner, without having any reason for it (“She often stays up late lately, she has someone!”).
Mind games
Trying to figure out what the partner has in mind, because he seemed to be pursuing selfish goals (“He is acting good only because he wants to run away to football on Sunday”).
The collapse of illusions
This happens when the idealized image of a partner crumbles and high expectations are not met (“He only thinks about his job, like the rest of the guys who didn’t care what I wanted at all”).
Of course, in some toxic thoughts you can find a grain of truth, but if we constantly scroll through them in our heads, think out and exaggerate, the joy leaves the relationship. Only the ability to discern the positive qualities and actions of a partner helps to stop the poisonous flow.
In my XNUMX+ years as a psychologist, I have repeatedly observed how couples who manage to refrain from exchanging toxic thoughts begin to calmly communicate, empathize and trust each other and the wall between them suddenly disappears. From now on, they are ready to solve problems together.