“How terrible I look!”, “My brains will never be enough to understand this”, “I don’t deserve a better life” — and so on. There is no such person who at least sometimes did not turn such reproaches to himself. And since there is no benefit in them, let’s try to treat ourselves more kindly and constructively.
Does an unpleasant inner voice keep driving you into despair, telling you something bad about yourself? There are two news. The good news is that you are not alone — the inner critic lives in all of us. The bad news is that you can’t get rid of it. However, no, there are still three news. And the third is also good: this critic can at least be silenced from time to time.
Psychologist and art therapist Lucia Capaccione, the author of many books and articles translated into 20 languages, is sure of this. She offered her own way of dealing with the inner critic, and at the same time explained the nature of this unpleasant phenomenon, and the dangers that it poses.
«Aren `t you ashamed?!»
Everything, of course, begins in early childhood. Imagine that a child with an awkward movement overturns, for example, a cup of milk standing in front of him. Accidentally breaks an expensive toy, drops a favorite parental vase on the floor — and so on, the list of sins is infinitely wide, and each of us is certainly guilty of something like this.
What follows next? At best, a broken parental sigh, at worst, an angry cry. “Well, how can you be so clumsy?”, “Punishment, not a child” and the inevitable “Shame on you ?!” in the final. And we are ashamed.
We are very ashamed, we are painfully worried that something, it turns out, is not in order with us, that we are bad
Of course, parents do not want to instill this feeling in us at all, but this is exactly the result. And very soon, in any unpleasant situation, we inevitably hear all the same words. Only uttered already in the first person: “how am I not ashamed, how badly I act.”
We have an inner critic. Moreover, it settles in the very depths of consciousness: Lucia Capaccione likens it to a computer program that is installed in our brain at the level of neural connections. And he continuously reproduces the same action — he scolds us, scolds and scolds us again.
A defense that destroys us
The inner critic is not at all harmless. Low self-esteem, a dead end instead of career growth and the inability to get out of relationships that harm us (we don’t deserve a better career and better relationships! — our critic triumphantly informs us), reduced creativity, and in many cases also the formation of a tendency to addictions and other types self-destructive behavior — this is not a complete list of dangers given by Lucia Capaccione.
And do not be deceived by empty hopes, persuading yourself that constructive criticism is always useful, and calling a spade a spade is a sign of strength of character and honesty. There is no benefit from an internal critic, Capaccione is sure.
Its whole point is to narrow the boundaries, not to let you try your hand at something new and unknown.
What if we fail, make a mistake? Shall we knock over the cup of milk and drop the vase? It is not excluded, of course. But without it, we do not develop as individuals. And even worse: the defense mechanism, supposedly aimed at ensuring our security, in fact leads to the opposite results.
Often we are hesitant to leave a job that ruins our talents, or to break off a relationship in which we are humiliated, on the advice of the same caring critic. And we bring ourselves much more harm than even dozens of mistakes on the way forward would bring us.