Contents
Hello dear blog readers! Abuse of parents is mistreatment of children, insult, humiliation of them, intimidation. This is an abuse of power that leads to a decrease in self-esteem, causes psychological trauma, and often physical, mental illness.
And today we will talk about how it can be identified. Because the main problem is that people simply do not understand or do not notice that they are being treated wrongly, causing mental trauma. Or they harm their closest people.
Evidence
As you may already know from the article on abuse, rapists and tyrants rarely look terrifying. For example, without teeth, with scars, an evil look and dirty clothes. Therefore, the parents of narcissists at first glance also do not differ from the rest.
Just because they abuse their power doesn’t mean they don’t love their children. And sometimes they are really unknowingly maimed, not knowing how to handle them differently. Suppose, due to the fact that they were brought up precisely with the help of intimidation or humiliation.
Therefore, I want to bring to your attention a number of signs by which we can say with confidence that violence is being committed against a little man. It does not matter what nature, physical, emotional or sexual. Violence is always causing harm, both mental health and biological.
rejection
There is such a way of influencing another person — this is rejection. That is, the message that if you are not the way I want to see you, then I refuse you. Because the real you doesn’t suit me.
It manifests itself in various, quite familiar, and sometimes often used phrases, that the baby will be abandoned, given to the police, other people if he behaves badly, does not eat porridge, or opposes music lessons.
These are stories that he is mediocre, useless and it is not clear why he was born, since now he has to endure his unbearable behavior. It is also simply avoiding contact, when ignoring is chosen as a punishment for disobedience. Such a psychological terror, denial of support, attention, care … We will talk about it a little later.
Can you imagine how much it hurts self-esteem? Especially if it comes from parents, those who, in theory, should love their child unconditionally. What does it mean — in spite of everything and in spite of anything.
The main manifestations of rejection:
- Constant criticism. There is a feeling that I am simply not capable of something good, because I constantly make mistakes and do not live up to expectations. Although there is an opinion in many families that it is always necessary to point out mistakes, this will motivate development and cause an irresistible desire to correct them. And it is impossible to praise under any pretext, otherwise a person will become arrogant and relax. So-so, the method of one stick, without a carrot.
- Create shortcuts. Suppose the baby did not want to hug his grandmother at the meeting, she immediately called him some unsociable, wild. Without clarifying the reasons why he didn’t want to, forgetting that he had hugged before, and so on.
- Insult, humiliation, even jokes that offend, are a manifestation of psychological violence.
- An expression of regret that it’s not the same as you wanted, that you were born of the wrong sex, not as smart or talented as your neighbor, in general, this list can be continued indefinitely.
- Exception. For example, from joint events, recreation, or in general, from the family system.
- Ban. On their individual desires, preferences, aspirations and goals. Denial of the right to make one’s own choice. And not necessarily this prohibition comes from aggressive mom or dad. On the contrary, it is not uncommon for overly “loving” and caring adults to deprive a child of the opportunity to live and gain experience by making mistakes. That is, out of anxiety, they protect him from everything that can upset him, injure him, cause illness, and so on. Then, solving absolutely all issues instead of him, then, sometimes, they wonder why he grew up completely infantile and not adapted to an independent life, without a guardian.
Ignoring
Individuals whose needs were ignored in childhood generally never learn to notice and respond to the needs of their children. They are simply incapable of constructively resolving conflicts and sustaining intimacy.
Those who choose to be ignored as a way of punishing an offense have, in a way, remained in a childish position. Only not in general, but when certain situations arise, emotions that they cannot deal with constructively.
It is typical for babies, as they say, to pout and not talk. Because they don’t know how else to resolve the conflict, they still don’t have experience and knowledge.
It happens that the parent is present only functionally, providing life. That is, it feeds, heals, clothes, protects … But it is not emotionally included, for example, it does not know how to sympathize, empathize, regret, support, and so on. He does not give feedback on the feelings of his child, which is why he experiences frustration. What does it mean to satisfy a need?
terrorizing
Psychological abuse is punishment, intimidation, threats, mockery. And even if it concerns not the baby himself, but one of those with whom he lives.
What he experiences when he witnesses fights with beatings and the like is no less traumatic than if he becomes a victim of abuse.
It especially “shatters” the psyche when an adult, unable to control his anger, breaks down on his child. And then, experiencing guilt and remorse, he becomes overly affectionate and gentle. This causes splitting, that is, intrapersonal conflict. It seems that a beloved and loving person suddenly becomes dangerous, hurts and then kind again, expects forgiveness and reciprocal tenderness.
Promises of reprisals in case of wrongdoing cause fear, anxiety, and sometimes anger, which pushes to reverse actions — to go against the grain, even get punished, but prove that an adult does not have such powerful power as he thinks.
Terrorism also manifests itself in threats to share personal information with someone. It hurts especially teenagers who are afraid of experiencing shame and rejection by their peers. Yes, and the kids «close», even with a slight ridicule of their mistakes, actions, qualities, appearance, and so on.
Blackmail
A fairly popular type of abuse. It’s about fiction, manipulation and control. For example, a threat to commit suicide if you refuse to do some housework. It looks something like this: “You don’t love your mother, you don’t appreciate it, so let me make your life easier with my absence, since it’s so difficult to wash the floors.”
Tyrant parents can blackmail for absolutely any reason, even if they simply do not answer the phone for a good reason.
Insulation
Isolation is a limitation, a conscious frustration of some need. Often, individuals who do not know how they can influence their child deprive him of the opportunity to communicate with friends. For example, for a bad grade, he is obliged to stay at home for a whole week. Or not attending your favorite dance club.
Some go further and deprive the dinner, any crossing and communication with other family members. Picked up from school for home schooling. Yes, sometimes, due to certain diseases, this is sometimes the only possible way to get an education. But only not with a healthy person who wants to develop fully, being in society.
The ban on having friends, because, for example, they negatively affect him, from the wrong social circle, and simply because relationships are pain, and mom and dad will never betray and you only have to be with them — it has an extremely destructive effect on the psyche. This is a severe form of psychological abuse.
Corruption
What is corruption apart from sexual corruption? And in the encouragement of cruelty towards other people, animals. Praise for her during sports competitions also applies to this point.
Even in permission to view pornographic films, magazines and photographs. Also take alcoholic, narcotic substances, cigarettes, play slot machines and other gambling games, steal and engage in prostitution.
These actions are illegal and, unfortunately, although not often enough, they occur. Such cases must be reported to the police.
Exploitation
The most common form of exploitation is when children raise children. On their shoulders lies a responsibility that not even every adult can do. This refers to the need to watch over younger brothers and sisters.
Coercion or the use of manipulation techniques is nothing but abuse. Especially if in case of oversight punishment follows. Even if a 12-year-old boy seems conscious and mature, in fact he is not mature yet and he faces completely different developmental tasks, certainly not nurturing and caring for a baby. Most give birth with the idea that there are older ones who will help. It turns out that the parents made the decision about the new family member, and the children also need to be responsible for it.
I just want to make a small emphasis on one nuance, violence is considered directly coercion, persuasion, the promise of rewards, and so on with consent. But in no way is it a manifestation of initiative, on the contrary, it must be supported. But do not shift all responsibility for the life of the newborn, but at least slightly control their process of interaction.
Example
Let me give you an example of a situation. The son begs for the dog, promises to clean up after her and, of course, walk, feed, wash her paws every day. Adults believe him and buy a pet. But he did his job for the first couple of days. Having played enough, having satisfied the need for a four-legged friend, he safely forgot about what he promised.
Who do you think is responsible for this situation? Adults, of course, can swear that they cannot be trusted, that they behave like a little one and so on. But in fact, it was they who did not calculate the possibilities of their son.
It is rare that someone who has not reached adulthood is able to give a full account of his words and deeds. What can we say, even if at the age of 50, not everyone is capable of this.
So, when the age characteristics of a little man are not taken into account and some task is assigned to him, completely beyond his age, no matter how smart and strong he may seem, this is abuse. The story with the dog is not, but is indicated as an example of an incorrect assessment of the possibilities of a certain age.
Exploitation also includes the expectation that he will support the family financially, run the household.
He should have duties around the house, but they are feasible for him, for example, to wash the dishes, make his bed and fold things. But there is no way to wash the whole house and cook dinner for 7 people, while doing all the homework.
Dangers and Consequences
The danger is that it is impossible for children to escape violence if it comes from their parents. They can leave, breaking all ties and completely stopping communication, only when they reach the age when they already learn to provide for their needs and needs on their own.
In the younger period, there is nowhere to go, all that remains is to adapt and try to survive. Sometimes literally.
On the part of mom and dad, children should receive love and care, but in reality this is not at all the case. Then their perception of both relationships and their own personality, values, outlook on life, and so on is distorted.
They lose their sense of security. Each person should have a place where he can relax, recover. Where he is calm and comfortable. Ideally, this is a house. Fighting for your place in society, and then, getting into your native fortress, it is important to take off your armor and heal wounds, to rest.
If there is no such space, a person does not feel safe. He constantly experiences anxiety, as he expects an attack, a catch. Loses confidence in the world, and this already affects his relationship with the people around him.
Unfortunately, not everyone is even able to distinguish when violence is being shown and when it is not. Children who grew up in dysfunctional families most often adopt a parenting style. Because they consider it quite acceptable.
What is there to say about dysfunctional families, if it is socially approved to use a belt, cuffs, intimidation as a punishment.
Being in the role of a victim in childhood, a person often, growing up, becomes prone to victim behavior. She simply gets used to being in a relationship with a tyrant, gets used to suffering, feeling guilty for any sins. And he does not know what to do and how to deal with a partner who is not actually an abuser.
Completion
Take care of yourself and your children, give them warmth, love and tenderness. Not forgetting, of course, to set boundaries that will help them maintain health and life.
Let them fill their own bumps, of course, under your supervision, if they are quite small. Make a choice and have the right to dream, even if it seems to you that it is unrealistic.
Having received love from you, they will be able to pass it on to their babies, and those to theirs. In addition, as you can learn from this article, the memory of the genus exists. And this means that information is transmitted from generation to generation that affects the fate and even the personality traits of descendants.
In the following article, you can read about methods of dealing with parental abuse.
And that’s all for today, dear readers!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina