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Hello dear blog readers! Today we will talk about the signs by which you can determine that abuse is happening in a relationship. And also how to protect yourself from it and get rid of negative consequences.
The fact is that in fact there are a lot of individuals who seek to suppress their partners. And no one is immune from their influence. Therefore, it is very important to be able to defend your boundaries and understand in a timely manner that something is not right. In order not to wait for everything to resolve itself, but to urgently take action, protecting and defending yourself.
Stereotypes
There is a stereotype among most people that a tyrant is very easy to recognize. He is usually aggressive and cruel, raises his hand to his “half” and treats her unfairly.
And his victim can only be a very insecure person who, so to speak, has a weak character and no remarkable features that would help her survive in an unequal battle. And in addition, they simply love when they are bullied, humiliated, being masochists and so on.
Therefore, they relax, believing that they will never be close to the abuser. It happens to everyone, but not to them.
But, as you might have guessed, these fantasies are completely far from reality. Violence has many faces and does not necessarily show itself with a broken nose and bruises all over the body.
I will say more, it is not even always possible to detect it in time. And only when it takes on large-scale forms, sometimes causing irreparable harm to both the health and the psyche of the victim.
How they usually fall into the trap
The fact is that relationships with an abuser do not look like meetings with a maniac, but on the contrary, they seem to be the best in a lifetime. Since they give indescribable delight and happiness from the thought that they managed to meet a person who understands perfectly that sometimes there is no need to pronounce it.
He is so attentive, caring and kind that he seems literally perfect. This fairy tale, sometimes, lasts a whole year, and sometimes longer. And when an emotional attachment is formed, the partner relaxes, gets used to it and trusts unconditionally, then all the cards will be revealed.
It will start with conflicts out of the blue, which did not exist before. And by the way, the victim will always be guilty of them. For example, because it provoked. These scandals will end quite violently. So that the partner does not jump off the hook, reconciliation will be organized for him at the highest level. Apologies, gifts, declarations of love and crazy acts that plunge you into a state of bliss.
Feels like a roller coaster, then sharp shocking rises on bends, then unexpected declines to take a breath.
This instability may well form an emotional dependence on the person. The victim becomes disoriented, does not understand what is going on at all and decides to wait until it becomes good again, calmly and carefree, as before.
In the meantime, she hopes for a miracle, her self-esteem changes. And not for the better. She begins to believe that the problems arise because of her.
Main features
I want to offer you a number of signs so that you know how to recognize a tyrant and take timely measures to protect yourself from him.
Devaluation of former partners
It is very important to listen carefully to what they tell you about your past companions and companions. It is clear that rarely does anyone experience tender feelings after a breakup, but extremely negative reviews can serve as an alarming bell.
In the candy-bouquet period, I want to think that this person will stay with you forever, that it is he, bestowed by fate. But, unfortunately, sometimes we understand that we made a mistake, that in some ways we don’t fit together and decide to leave. So, what he allows for the former — if the situation repeats, threatens to touch you too.
Usually, a person is inclined, due to his character and other characteristics, to make the same mistakes that lead to a break. But in relationships, the responsibility lies with those who are in them. Only one person cannot always be guilty and wrong, a negative character.
Therefore, if, for example, your beloved is extremely negatively disposed towards those women whom he has met before, blames them for all the troubles and dreams of revenge — be careful. Especially if from the first dates he dedicates to the details of their personal, joint and unhappy life.
When he declares cases of violence, you should not think that he will act differently with you, and that other one really deserved such treatment of herself.
Remember that you know the situation only from his side, and how it really happened — you can only guess. You should not unconditionally believe his justifications for his behavior.
For example, often the aggressor may complain that his girlfriend was absolutely not interesting, stopped monitoring her appearance, and so on. She is the only one who knows why this happened. Namely, because he made scandals on the basis of jealousy, if she did makeup, planned to go out for a walk with her friends, and so on.
Coarseness
Abuse begins with disrespect. When a person deliberately hurts, says nasty things, realizing that he hurts with words.
You should not endure and hope for changes if your opinion is not valued, you are rude, both in public and when you are just the two of you.
When trying to declare that this style of communication is unacceptable, it can devalue feelings by saying that you are just too suspicious of a person. Either you make an elephant out of a fly and generally come up with a problem for yourself and now spoil his mood.
High expectations
What person would not be pleased to be idolized and considered the best? But this is a rather dangerous trap. When someone is idealized, it means only one thing, that they do not notice him as he is, that is, real, real. He turns into an image, devoid of feelings and obliged to correspond to invented fantasies.
Often in this format, female abuse is manifested. The girl considers her boyfriend ideal, the strongest and the best in the world. Only if he stumbles once or shows weakness, he will be thrown to the very bottom.
Even his best qualities will be devalued by the phrase: «You are the same as the rest.» Which can serve as an excuse for their terrible treatment of him in the future. It doesn’t deserve better.
trespassing
It even manifests itself in gifts and services that you not only do not ask for, but also try to refuse. Such obsession occurs in order to cause the feeling that you now owe something to him. And this allows you to further control, to feel the power.
Therefore, if you say that you don’t like something or don’t need something, but your words are ignored and the person does only as he sees fit, this is already an invasion of personal space. Even good can cause harm when it is intrusive and undesirable, excessive.
Control
They can decide for you how you spend the evening, the week and the next vacation. And it would be possible, on the contrary, to relax and rejoice at such a turn of events. Only here you will not like every point of the plan, and if you try to go the distance, a conflict will follow.
The tyrant seeks unquestioning obedience. Only he has the power and he has the right to dispose of your life. It sounds scary, but it is when the toxic relationship has gone too far and the victim has truly become addicted to their tormentor.
Control manifests itself in hourly calls to find out where you are and what you are doing. The abuser must be aware of absolutely every nuance and event that happens to his partner.
It is easy to trace him by casually thrown unpleasant comments about appearance, relatives, manner of speaking and cooking.
This is followed by strong recommendations to change what he likes. And even girlfriends, whom he will definitely not like later, because you spend time with them and you never know what you talk about. They can influence you, and this is extremely unprofitable for him. Only he has the right to do so.
So the circle of contacts gradually begins to narrow, the victim risks losing his job, in addition to friends and relatives. Even native people he will try to move away.
Jealousy
He considers his «beloved» person a thing. Why jealousy takes abnormal forms. In a healthy relationship, for example, a woman does not feel the need to check every step of her man. Exasperating with questions and getting into his personal space, looking into the phone, eavesdropping on conversations. If she feels or notices something suspicious, she will be alert and then try to clarify the situation.
But in traumatic, that is, completely unhealthy, she will do this all the time. Bringing his chosen one to despair. Since he will not be able to spend a single minute without her control or excuses.
He simply will not have the right to choose with whom to communicate and with whom not. Where to go and what to do.
Egocentrism
It is not easy to be with a narcissist, he mostly prefers to talk about himself, without giving the opportunity to insert his word.
His self-centeredness also manifests itself in the belief that he has every right to treat you the way he wants.
Accordingly, he will never admit his guilt. In absolutely any conflict situations, even if you were just silent, you will be to blame. Especially if he did not cope with something, did not keep his word. There is always an edge. Well, you guessed who.
And if at first there are few accusations, then gradually they will gain momentum. And you yourself will begin to believe that you are doing wrong.
addictions
Quite often the tyrant has any dependence. Basically, it is an addiction to alcohol or drugs.
Be careful, especially if he insists on a joint reception, and regards the refusal as a manifestation of dislike for him. Or he presses on pity that he can’t cope without you and is about to stop using. As soon as possible.
Aggressiveness
Causes, almost horror, when angry. And any little thing is capable of angering him, completely unexpectedly. This allows you to always keep you in suspense, for control.
Insists on making love when you don’t feel like it. Subsequently depriving the right to refuse.
By the way, in public he behaves like an ideal partner, creating the illusion of a wonderful happy family. But alone allows rudeness and humiliation.
Emotional as well as physical abuse manifests itself in this way:
- Comes too close to intimidate and apply pressure;
- Pushes, touches some parts of the body, blocks the way, not allowing to pass;
- Waving his arms, making sharp movements in your direction;
- Threatens and uses profanity, trying to «prick» more painfully;
- While driving, exceeds the speed limit to scare;
- Breaks things, beats hands on the door, wall, and so on;
- Throws objects at you
assertiveness
Relations have not had time to begin, and he already hints at seriousness. Most often, such assertiveness conquers women, and scares men. And not in vain. Because it is difficult, not knowing at all a person, what kind of person he is and what qualities he possesses, to want to connect life with him. Yes, miracles often happen and people really instantly understand that they have been waiting for each other all their lives.
But the abusers, with such a rapid development of events, are trying to quickly “take over” their victim, before she changes her mind and slips away.
Stereotypes and standards
The opposite sex is prejudiced, for example, as the second grade. But at the same time, it emphasizes, usually on first dates, that you are not the same as the rest. But do not flatter yourself, remember the previous paragraphs of this article.
The standards are double. That is, what is allowed to him is strictly forbidden to you. It concerns entertainment, raising the voice, work, expressing disagreement, and so on.
Often a male tyrant seeks to load his wife with housework. A warm dinner, a clean house and well-groomed, well-mannered and well-fed children should always be waiting for him. If he notices that the child is growing up and the beloved is becoming more free, he insists on the birth of another one.
Wanting to exercise his power to the maximum, the abuser seeks to find a younger chosen one. To look at him from the bottom up and consider him an authority. Therefore, he is mainly attracted to the injured and unfortunate, who can be «saved» and charmed with their kindness, responsiveness and power.
Although there are times when some, on the contrary, prefer strong and confident personalities. Then there is the excitement to get them and «break» for themselves. As a larger prey, which is not “too tough” for everyone.
What to do to protect yourself?
- At the first manifestation of rudeness, make it clear that you are not at all satisfied with this development of events. Say that he hurts you, because of which you want to maintain a distance. If you continue in the same spirit, then you simply have no choice but to decide on a break. In case of violation of the promise to treat with care and not offend you, make an attempt to leave for a while. Threatening, wanting to seize power is not worth it, competing with an abuser is not the best option.
- When your desires and emotions are ignored and devalued, try to think about what this relationship gives you so valuable that you are ready to betray and abuse yourself.
- Don’t expect changes. Illusions about change are costly, both physically and emotionally. And remember — you hit once, no matter how sorry you are, in the future there will be a repetition of the situation, only more difficult. Likewise with insults. The one who really loves will not consciously cause harm, enjoying the torment of the chosen one. Therefore, think about how to leave and save yourself, and not what to do so that he understands how hard it is for you. Or, what to become in order to please and not be subjected to criticism, aggression.
- No matter how tempting the offer to not work may sound, make sure that you have at least a small income. Otherwise, you will fall into financial dependence on your tyrant. That will allow him to manipulate you openly, declaring that you will not get away from him anywhere now and no one will need you now. Sounds scary, but unfortunately it happens.
Completion
Appreciate yourself, take care and do not let anyone offend you, suppress and humiliate you. Communicate with those with whom you feel comfort, warmth and love. Not fear, disappointment and pain.
Take care of yourself and be happy! After all, you have every right to a life without violence!
We also recommend reading an article about the authoritarian style of parenting.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina