Hello dear blog readers! A toxic person — as you might understand from the name, is capable of causing harm by poisoning the life of another. Like poison, someone acts actively and aggressively, quickly achieving the desired result, while someone slowly and gradually deprives self-esteem, well-being, and so on.
In the course of life, unfortunately, we have many meetings with such personalities, who cannot be completely avoided. If only because there are a large number of them. Therefore, it is very important to be able to recognize them in time in order to keep your distance, not allowing yourself to be harmed.
Evidence
So, how can we determine if a toxic person is in front of us, or just in a bad mood, why breaks down on others? Main features:
Pessimism
It means that they constantly complain about life, are dissatisfied and annoyed with something. To distinguish from people who have a «black streak» in life. Or who are currently depressed, it is enough just to remember if they were once different.
Which means easier and more interesting in communication, cheerful and happy. A toxic personality is stable in two positions — the victim and the aggressor.
That is, either attacks the interlocutors and allows aggressive statements towards them and so on. Or suffers from violence from outside, sometimes, as if attracting trouble.
Right
There is only one correct opinion — their opinion. No matter what arguments you make, you will still be devalued and not heard.
This desire to be always right is manifested not only in directiveness. But also in attempts to interrupt you, “shut your mouth”, or in general, abruptly cut off the conversation when it goes into a channel that is completely not beneficial to them.
Artistry and drama
Calm, stable and even in any relationship with them does not happen. Because they just need drama. Otherwise, bored, they will lose all interest, both in a partner, friend, and in life.
Therefore, if a quarrel is loud, with breaking dishes, threats and screams, violent hysteria, and so on. After that, you are accused of heartlessness and cruelty, clutching your heart due to severe suffering and even fainting from an overabundance of feelings.
trespassing
They absolutely do not know how to take care of either their own or other people’s borders, constantly striving to violate them. For example, if you are in a hurry and ask to contact them later, they will ignore it. And almost after they will ask questions and tell something.
They can appear in life completely unexpectedly and without warning. Like overstayed guests who are at first embarrassed to ask to leave, and then, when patience runs out, it’s even impossible. Because there will be any excuses to stay more.
Low emotional intelligence
They don’t know how to experience empathy by putting themselves in the place of another person. That is why they violate other people’s boundaries, completely not caring about what the interlocutor feels. They are not interested in him, striving only to receive attention, and not to give it at least occasionally in return.
Criticism
The psychology of toxic people is such that they use mostly passive aggression. That is, they don’t say directly what they don’t like and so on. And they are trying, as if in a veiled way, to hint about something unpleasant, to humiliate and criticize. They can give advice, mainly when they are not asked and after which it becomes disgusting at heart.
The problem with passive aggression is that it is quite difficult to respond rudely, putting them in their place. Indeed, in fact, the person, as it were, spoke out with a sweet face, and in response, swearing will seem inappropriate. And he will put it in an unsuitable light for casual witnesses, creating the image of an unbalanced and hysterical personality.
Boldness
As already mentioned, due to the lack of emotional intelligence, such people are not interested in anyone but themselves. And they are not able to maintain a full-fledged fascinating dialogue. Any conversation is turned into a monologue, ignoring the fact that the interlocutors have already tried to say goodbye for the umpteenth time.
Lies and manipulation
They like to embellish events, forgetting to mention facts that are not at all beneficial to them. As the saying goes, in war all means are good. So, they won’t be tormented by remorse if they have to slander someone.
This also includes a passion for gossip. They like to discuss people behind their backs, wanting to spoil their reputation.
To achieve their goal, they do not at all neglect various methods of manipulation. They seek to control others, to hold power over them.
Impoliteness and lack of control of behavior
They allow themselves to be rude with those who are not profitable or not familiar, respectively, are not of interest. This is especially true for service personnel. That is, waiters, sellers, cloakroom attendants, and so on are the first to be distributed.
They are quick-tempered, and sometimes it is not clear from which word it can “explode”. Why, in the course of a conversation, there is a feeling that you are literally walking through a minefield and you don’t understand what you can say and what you shouldn’t.
Although there are situations when they are generally positive and pleasant personalities. And they transform and literally splatter with poison only in the presence of someone specific.
Signs that you are trapped
Toxic people, by their actions and words, affect the life of another person so much that they can simply destroy it. And, at least, create chaos and bring a lot of tension. Above, we examined the main signs by which such a “poisonous” person can be identified.
Now I bring to your attention the features in self-awareness, by which you can understand that you have been taken over.
Therefore, if you still have doubts about the toxicity of your friend or close relative, then the information below will help to put an end to and put everything in its place.
So, you are at risk if:
- Spend a lot of energy on them. Up to the point that you constantly discuss them with other people. For example, share with colleagues or friends any heartless and cruel facts about their actions towards you. You try to relax — think about them, work — remember and relive moments of injustice and so on.
- They became impatient. It means that you instantly become annoyed, having ceased to control your own emotions. Even in situations where they just say hello and do not have time to say nasty things, you feel rage and a desire to be rude.
- Noticed a decrease in self-esteem. Which steadily after each meeting falls more and more.
- Blame only them for your failures in life, considering them the most basic misfortune. And this is one of the manifestations of the fact that they hold power over you.
- With horror, you think that you will have to communicate, meet with them.
- Allow yourself to “sink” to their level, repeating the same manipulation schemes in communication, reacting aggressively to others, and so on.
- It does not go out to set boundaries in contact with them. Because of what you then recover for a long time after the meeting.
- You understand that you often take the position of a rescuer, especially at moments when you once again begin to complain about the injustice of life.
- Use ways to relieve stress that harm your body. For example, as a reward for endurance, you overeat chocolate, ice cream, smoke or drink alcohol.
- Relationships with loved ones have deteriorated, you are not as close as before.
- They stopped in the process of self-development, simply not being able to solve their life tasks for personal advancement.
Methods of struggle
I think it is quite understandable that a fairly important step is to completely stop communicating with a toxic person. But what if such a radical method is not always possible to implement?
Let’s say, because he is your boss, and for some reason you cannot change jobs at this period of your life. Or a close relative whom you meet at the holidays and are in no way able to change this situation.
How to communicate so that self-esteem and mood do not suffer? When you feel that vital energy and resources are at a minimum level because the «toxic» takes it away.
I would like to suggest some rules to help you:
Don’t take the initiative
It is not necessary, out of politeness and any other motives, to be the first to call or write, initiating communication. Except congratulations.
Sometimes the feeling of guilt pushes to such actions. Or a lot of time passes after the meeting and the bad is forgotten. Why there is a desire to give a person a so-called second chance.
Believe me, if you remind yourself, you will have to deal with the stress that will arise later.
Set boundaries firmly
Announce the time limit right away. For example, that you only have 5 minutes free, otherwise you will be late somewhere. Then, after the specified time, just say goodbye, not being afraid to seem impolite, reminding you that you warned and leave. Even if there will be questions and so on.
Yes, and it will be easier for you to reschedule the meeting if you understand exactly how long it will last, since there is no way to avoid it.
There are situations when it is necessary to congratulate a “poisonous” person on a holiday, but you don’t want to do this at all for obvious reasons.
In advance, write on a sheet of congratulations, a few short topics that can and are important to touch on. Then call, congratulate and on a pleasant note, before the conversation has had time to harm you, say goodbye. Explaining the rush as an urgent matter.
If you need to visit, set an alarm on your phone, or ask someone to call you at a specific time. This will allow you to leave quickly for obvious reasons. Until there was a conflict and a meaningless conversation, debilitating.
Distance
The best defense is distance. Therefore, you should not share with such a person something significant for you, intimate, family. In general, those that can then be used against you.
Remember that she can use manipulation to ferret out your problems, sorrows or joys. Do not let yourself be controlled, do not give a chance to grab onto something to terrorize, control and destroy you.
Accordingly, do not talk about other people either. The less you can get from you, the less interest and value you will represent.
Stop attempts to gossip, I think you have nothing to destroy relations with others, who will surely learn from her lips about everything that you said. Only with embellished details.
composure
Remain calm, even if a hurricane is raging inside. If such a person notices that you are losing your composure and peace of mind, he will be happy. After all, that is exactly what it seeks.
Accordingly, he will continue to do this further, constantly pressing on the “sore spot”. Try to answer him politely, with a smile. Then already he will begin to avoid you, and not you him.
Stress relief
Be sure to express the emotions that you had to keep, relieve stress. Fill this day with something pleasant. For example, go to the movies or visit friends who are fun and close. About which you can «warm up».
In order not to let self-esteem fall, do a useful thing, help someone. This will restore faith in yourself, restore lost resources.
Rejection of gifts
Try to avoid receiving help or gifts from such people whenever possible. This will give them the implicit right to hold you accountable. Yes, and you can feel the need to endure something, to endure, and so on, out of gratitude.
When it’s impossible to refuse gifts, just give them later to those who need it. In the case of food — try, keep moderation, not gorging yourself to satiety. For sure, refuse alcohol, at least under the pretext that you are taking medications that cannot be combined with alcohol.
Completion
And finally, I want to recommend an article on how to stop being a victim, enduring pressure and violence. You can find it by clicking on this link.
And also share in the comments your ways that help you deal with such “poisonous” people. We will be very grateful to you!
Take care of yourself and be happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina