Signs of a codependent relationship

Such relationships are called codependent. This means that you are too absorbed in your partner – your self-esteem depends on his approval, and his emotions and actions are always always more important than yours.

Codependency is “an unhealthy, inadequate, or dangerous need for another person,” says Andrea Miller, author of Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy and Lasting Love, “I would say that fear and need prevail in such relationships instead of love and abundance.”

Wanting your partner’s support and reassurance that your relationship is unique and special is normal. But codependent people really need the constant approval of a partner. Such relationships can be arranged in different ways – sometimes both partners suffer from inadequately strong attachment to each other, and in some cases only one of the partners depends on the other, while the second may even enjoy his power and control.

If you suspect that you are the dependent partner, the list below will help you figure out if you are. And if the signs below apply to your partner, he or she may be an addict.

1. You are afraid to make independent decisions.

If you feel the need to involve your partner in every aspect of your life without exception – asking him for permission to meet with friends, or to accept an offer for a promotion – this may mean that you are in a codependent relationship.

“Of course, you should listen to your partner’s opinion, but if you can’t make a single decision at all without his approval, you may be too dependent on him,” says New York psychiatrist Gail Saltz.

Long-term relationships require compromises from time to time. But if you’re afraid to make decisions without asking your partner’s opinion, it may mean that you don’t trust yourself. Therefore, you choose not what seems right to you, but what your partner wants.

2. You are ready for anything to avoid quarrels and disputes

If you most often agree with your partner on everything from politics to dinner menus, it may mean that you are a good match. But agreeing 100% of the time can be a sign of addiction, says Gale Saltz.

This means that “you don’t have your own opinion and your own identity,” she explains. “An emotionally mature and healthy person who feels love and trust will not be afraid to express his opinion, even if it does not coincide with the partner’s position.”

But the dependent person is more likely to remain silent, fearing that his disagreement may provoke a quarrel that will jeopardize the future of the relationship.

Disputes and disagreements should not be feared: in a healthy relationship, partners are well aware that they cannot have a common opinion on all possible issues.

3. The interests of a partner are always more important for you than your own.

Those of us who tend to please others, who prioritize the needs and wants of a partner over our own, are particularly prone to codependency.

Such people are “constantly solving other people’s problems and have an unhealthy tendency to over-concern for others,” explains Andrea Miller. This form of codependency—overprotectiveness—is not limited to love relationships.

Miller gives the example of a mother-daughter relationship: “One woman told me how every night she asked her adult daughter, who lived with her, a million questions like “Can I cook dinner for you?” The daughter tried in every possible way to move away, literally suffocating from annoying care.

Of course, the mother tried to take care and please her daughter with the best of intentions, but as a result she only harmed their relationship, because she did not trust either herself or her daughter with the right to make independent decisions.

Codependency in love relationships manifests itself in the same pattern.

4. For the sake of a partner, you are ready to give up principles.

Each of us has certain boundaries of the comfort zone, which are unpleasant to go beyond. If you notice that you regularly violate these boundaries for the sake of your partner, this may mean that you are codependent.

For example, you adhere to the rule never to lend more than a thousand rubles. But when your partner asks to lend him a larger amount, without giving any serious reason, you give up and agree. And convince yourself that you are doing it out of love.

“You compromise your principles — it’s like you start to forget who you are and what is acceptable to you,” says New York-based clinical psychologist Chloe Carmichael.

5. Your partner’s hobbies that you don’t share play a big role in your life.

By showing interest in our partner’s hobbies, we show that we are ready to try something new for ourselves in order to spend more time together. But we don’t have to love everything our partner likes. In those couples where partners maintain a close but healthy relationship, they give each other the opportunity to pursue their hobbies separately from each other.

If you notice that your partner’s hobbies and hobbies are starting to draw you in, despite the fact that you are not interested in them, it’s worth considering: where does the need to accompany him to every football match or heavy music concert come from?

“If these activities do not match your personal preferences, ask yourself: do you really feel desirable with this person? Do you feel calm and safe?” Chloe Carmichael advises.

Most often, the willingness to give up your interests and values ​​for the love of a partner is a clear sign of insecurity.

6. You are constantly jealous

“Codependent partners usually suffer from low self-esteem. Because of this, they feel the threat of competition from the people with whom their partner maintains a relationship, even if they are close friends or relatives, ”explains Miller.

As a result, jealousy and discontent accumulate in the depths of their souls. They usually do not show these feelings to their partner so as not to jeopardize the relationship.

“They think: if he has some kind of relationship with others, I am no longer needed,” says Miller. This often leads to passive-aggressive behavior.

In healthy relationships, partners can sometimes feel envious when looking at their loved one’s intimate relationship with a friend or relative. But they never let that envy destroy the couple. If they express their objections, they do so without any bitterness or accusations.

7. You need to always know where your partner is right now.

Nowadays, email and messenger messages have become common forms of communication. But if you send such messages to your partner too often, this may indicate codependence.

“Of course, if something bad happens, you would like to know about it right away, but constant text messages to a partner can be a sign of a lack of trust,” says Miller.

It is quite normal to exchange messages several times a day. But if you’re sending one message after another when your partner is chatting with friends and getting angry and anxious when you don’t get a response, it could mean your relationship is on shaky foundations.

Non-codependent partners give each other freedom and do not feel threatened when a partner spends time with someone else.

8. You push your partner to change for you.

Agreeing with a partner on all issues is one of the signs of codependency. But constant pushy demands and complaints about what your partner does or doesn’t do can also be a sign of codependency.

“An emotionally mature person is able to tell himself that he chose this partner – the way he is. And don’t be pushy, begging your partner to change, but at the same time, don’t be a “rag” who can’t stand up for himself,” says Miller.

In a healthy relationship with reasonable personal boundaries, you can always express your thoughts or share your experiences. But you can not expect from a partner that he will cease to be himself.

If you are not satisfied with his true nature, it is worth rethinking your relationship and its prospects, and not waiting for the other person to change for you.