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We are glad to welcome you, dear readers of the blog! Every person goes through a lot of crises during their life. Although they are sometimes difficult to live with, they perform a very important function — they allow you to develop, as if to step over from step to step, gradually rising.
Most of them are in childhood. Which, in principle, is not surprising. Rapid growth, active knowledge of the world around us, acquaintance with oneself, close and not so people…
Such a large amount of information that comes every second, sometimes the baby is not able to process, assimilate and bring it into the structure of his own personality. He simply does not yet have the necessary skills for this process. That is why failures and overloads occur. Which manifest themselves in the form of tantrums, disobedience, and so on.
And today we will talk about what kind of crisis a child has for 5 years, how to “live” with him and, of course, by what signs to determine in a timely manner.
What is he, a five-year-old?
This period is also called preschool childhood. The child is trying to become independent, to prove that he is an adult and independent person. With their individual interests and hobbies. At the same time, he is quite emotionally involved in the lives of loved ones who care for him.
It is clear that he cannot solve adult tasks, therefore his main activity is the game. It is with its help that he recreates life situations that require some kind of understanding, awareness.
For example, toys can endow with quite real images of familiar people and “act out” some kind of scenario that in reality affected his feelings. He imitates adults, trying to adopt a socially acceptable model of behavior in society, knowledge of how to build relationships, and so on.
Although the game seems rather frivolous and useless, in fact it develops thinking, allows you to relieve the accumulated tension, unnecessary emotions. It also has an educational function, trains memory, attention and even speech.
At this age, children are still quite selfish, they need less parental care and attention than before. That is, they can spend more and more time alone, without requiring constant joint activities.
Usually five-year-olds are fond of drawing, modeling, creating any fakes. In general, they strive to create, receiving praise from others for their productivity. Yes, and with the help of creativity, they better know themselves and express emotions that they still do not quite know how to track and realize.
Also at this age, children are already able to understand jokes, to distinguish between fiction and truth. They prefer communication with peers, although before that parents or other adults who take care of them were a priority.
The main signs of the crisis
- Mood swings, irascibility. The kid becomes irritable, any little thing can cause a whole storm of emotions. It seems that such a sweet and kind child suddenly ceases to be so and allows himself to be rude even in relation to strangers.
- Emotionality. The intensity of the feelings shown is sometimes disproportionate to the situation, circumstances. At least that’s how adults perceive it. For a little man, even a fallen autumn leaf from a tree may seem like a tragedy.
- mannerisms. Moments like a jester who grimaces. Thus, he wants to show that he has grown up and is quite able to behave as a mature person should.
- Uncertainty. It loses stability, since the usual praise over trifles, and even not deserved, may cease to suit. He also worries that other children are better than him, they succeed more, they are more beautiful, smarter, and so on.
- Independence. Refuses to hold hands, shows a desire to try some forbidden drinks or food. For example, he claims that he also wants to drink coffee in the morning. In general, he strives to do things that will only emphasize his independence.
- Phobias. Suddenly he begins to be afraid of something that did not cause fear before. For example, some even have obsessive states about death, or worries about the future, the likelihood of failure, and so on.
- Closure. Cheerful and sociable, sharply closed in on himself, sometimes refusing to talk not only with strangers, but also with close people.
- Lie. In fact, what the child says is not the result of his conscious lie. During this period, he simply begins to fantasize so actively that sometimes he himself gets confused, where is reality and where is fiction. He may want something so much that he will wishful thinking.
What kind of animal is this, this crisis?
Psychology considers a crisis as a state when the old has stopped working, and the new has not yet been invented. And now a person is at the junction, between what is outdated and what has not yet been invented.
Why is experiencing a lot of unpleasant emotions due to instability, uncertainty. For example, anxiety, fear, anger, disappointment. Therefore, outbursts of anger and changes in mood or behavior become understandable to us.
Only now, if a crisis has come to a little man, this, quite clearly, frightens him to death. He does not have any information about the psychology of personality and age periodization, does not have life experience and any knowledge about the properties of his own character.
And here also the parents swear that he has changed and is not as good as they think. What’s the best defense? That’s right, an attack. Therefore, there is uncertainty, fear, aggressiveness and closeness. He begins to think that the bad, not worthy of love, ceases to trust others and in every possible way defends his right to be himself.
Emotions at the moment of hysteria go off scale, which is why he needs help in calming down, and not a quality punishment, which will “shatter” his nerves even more.
Remember yourself, when you are upset or saddened by something, will it help you if someone else threatens, for example, with deprivation of love and attention? It is unlikely, most likely, that will upset you even more.
Therefore, it is important not to fight tantrums, not to treat them, but to teach them to be aware of their feelings and calm down. Learn how to best do this below.
If everything goes according to plan, or rather, with the support of adults, then this difficult period will take about 6 months, someone will need a little more time, someone a little less. But if a small person does not cope and cannot solve the life tasks of this age, then in the future he will regress. That is, sometimes return to her five years, despite how old she really is.
Psychologist tips
Calmness
The main thing is not to succumb to the temptation to punish the baby for disobedience and such drastic changes in character and mood. With your stability and calmness, you will create those boundaries that the five-year plan is not yet able to form on its own. Therefore, as soon as he burst into tears and lost control of himself, hug him.
When he is rude to you, he not only wants to hurt you, but does not know how to correctly express thoughts, disagreement, defend rights, and so on.
Try to maintain stability and your parental position. Sometimes shame deprives inner balance. When it seems that the people around you are looking only at you, you want to stop screaming at almost any cost in order to look like a good mom or a good dad in the eyes of others.
If you are troubled by such experiences, try to work with them. Your child should not suffer because of your difficulties and limitations.
Sequence
You must be consistent in your prohibitions. It is only important that they are logical and understandable. If only today you allowed him to play on the phone for 2 hours, and the next day you changed your mind and forbid him to pick up, it is quite expected that they will try to convince you.
Despite the fact that children are not yet quite experienced and conscious, they are well versed in manipulations. Having discovered the parent’s weak point, they will put pressure on him, checking when he will finally give up.
It’s called «feeling the boundaries». But is it sure that something will not be allowed, or if you try hard, throwing a tantrum, you will be able to achieve what you want?
If your child knows that there are rules in the family, the violation of which entails serious consequences, for example, a threat to life and health. As well as prohibitions, about which it makes no sense to even try to start a conversation — then it will be easier for him to navigate and understand how to behave not only with you, but also in this world.
In general, you will not throw words to the wind, and also change your mind — you will be able to avoid quarrels and scandals by crying. They simply will not make sense, if the child understands that he will not achieve anything with their help, then why complicate everything?
care and presence
Hysteria, as already mentioned, is a cry for help. This means that the experiences are so overwhelming and incomprehensible that the little man simply loses control over his body. Yes, some slapping on the ass, you can bring to life. I mean calm down. But this is only at first glance. Since physical punishment will not give awareness, but will only be a marker that you need to shut up, otherwise it will be worse.
Accordingly, experiences are held inside, and then completely unexpectedly break free. Of course, to a safer object from which you will not receive punishment. Suppose a pet or a boy in the yard can suffer from unfair aggression, with whom a fight will start from scratch.
Golden mean
An authoritarian parenting style is not welcome at such a moment. Because the crisis of five years is an important stage in the formation of a person, that is, he learns to defend his rights, opinions and desires. And if you do not give him this opportunity, then in the future it threatens that he will simply endure unfair treatment, up to violence.
But connivance is also unacceptable. Otherwise, he will feel power over you. What threatens with the loss of the parental position, you will not be able to influence him, he will be as if “unbalanced”, as he will lose his sense of security. The figures, on which it is extremely important to rely, turned out to be incapable and weaker than he was at five years old.
So try to find a middle ground, showing hardness when necessary, or vice versa, flexibility.
Freedom
The five-year-old protests because it demands respect and recognition. That is, the right to choose and have their own opinion. Give him the opportunity to be independent so that he understands that he is considered.
Of course, he has little experience and the risk of making mistakes is very high. But there is one trick. Invite him to choose from several options that suit you in any case. For example: “Will you have rice porridge or buckwheat for breakfast?”, “Will you go outside in a blue or orange T-shirt?”.
Thus, the baby does not need to «puzzle» over what to do. And you worry that in winter he will want to walk in sandals.
«Container»
You need to become a kind of container for the feelings of the child. That is, when he does not understand what is happening to him, it is important to explain it to him. Let’s say, «yes, I see that you are upset because I did not allow you to eat your favorite but missing cheese. You are now angry because of this, which is quite normal.
If you just silently wait for him to calm down, it will look like a rejection for him. Which will cause even more pain, causing psychological trauma. So neither shouting nor ignoring is recommended. I repeat, but hug him tightly and tell him in a calm voice about how you love him and understand his feelings.
When you manage to console him, offer to drink water, show that you do not reject, but continue to be there, and are ready to take care of him at such a moment.
In a crowded place, try to take him away or carry him to the side. So that you also feel safe, hiding at least for a while from other people’s views and moralizing about what ill-mannered children went and irresponsible parents.
Recommendations
- Since he is so desperate to grow up, involve him in your daily duties. Just not ordering and forcing, but making a request, explaining that his help in cleaning the house, cooking is important to you … Come up with tasks that will be feasible for him, even if he doesn’t cope with them the first time, with support he will learn and believe in their strength.
- Give him more time during this period. Walk, chat, do something together. “Involvement” in the life of the baby will give him the resources to go through this stage of development, which is not easy for everyone. And it will also strengthen the bond between you, bring you closer.
- Talk and explain the reasons for your prohibitions.
- Sorry. If you couldn’t cope with your emotions and yelled at your child, apologize later, when you cool down. So he will learn to admit his own mistakes, using your example. Yes, and will not accumulate anger for sometimes unfair punishment.
- I-statements. You are a living person and also sometimes do not give an account of your words and actions. Learn not to blame, to evaluate, but to speak on your own behalf. Feel the difference between the phrases: «You make me angry» and «I got angry»? In the first case, there will be a desire to defend oneself, to justify oneself, while the second option is a back reaction to any actions. Then the baby will not think that he is bad and upsets his parents, but will understand that it is this behavior that causes just such a reaction. This raises awareness. And it prevents a lot of interpersonal problems in the future.
And a bit more
- Relax and follow your own interests. The crisis tires and deprives not only those who live it. In order for you to have resources, be attentive to your own well-being. If you understand that everything is already over, you can’t cope, take a time out by asking grandmothers and other people you trust to look after him for a day or two.
- Consistency. Agree with the rest of the family about the methods of education. There must be consistency in your actions, a unified approach. If someone tries to “pull the blanket over themselves”, wanting to look like a good hero, then this will only aggravate the situation, creating a lot of difficulties.
- Attentiveness. As soon as you notice the first signs that a tantrum will soon begin, try to have time to switch the attention of your child. Perhaps, having admired a bird or a dog, he will forget about his intentions to make a scandal.
- Agreement. He needs to know that you are not his enemy. In general, learn to negotiate. Instead of trying to get him to walk home from the yard, say that you’re sorry, but there’s no more time for the swing. It’s time for you to have lunch, work, and then you will definitely return so that he can finish the game with friends. So you will establish contact, and tears with screams will torment you less and less. They just don’t make sense.
- Awareness. Learn to track your experiences, then your child will be able to do it. When there is chaos inside, it is very difficult to live. This is what provokes outbreaks of aggression, the anxiety that is constantly present in the background will not give you the opportunity to relax even in a dream. And all this threatens the emergence of psychosomatic diseases.
Completion
And finally, I want to remind you that each person is individual. Therefore, the crisis manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes it is completely invisible and not noticeable, or it takes on serious proportions.
And also I want to recommend an article about the sexual education of children. A very important topic in the life of a child, which will help to avoid many troubles.
Take care of yourself and be happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina