Siblings: 30 educational tips

Siblings: 30 Questions You Have About Their Upbringing

1. Whether girls or boys, what’s it like?

We may be of the same sex, we are not clones! Avoid the group shot like “Come on girls!” Here we go boys! The mistake is to put everyone in the same basket: do not dress them the same, do not style them the same, on the contrary, underline personal tastes. Oedipal jealousy is exacerbated in single-sex siblings. The sisters compete for their daddy’s attention and the boys for their mom’s favors! Hence the rivalries that can last into adulthood. Contrary to popular belief, boys’ siblings are not necessarily more “brawling”! Another unfounded commonplace, it is not because they are of the same sex that they are accomplices. It is more the proximity in age and centers of interest that creates the agreement. What differentiates unisex siblings is less knowledge of the other sex. A boy who grows up in the intimacy of a sister develops a more detailed knowledge of the fairer sex.

2. Do all siblings argue?

No family escapes bickering, fighting is normal, so no need to dream of total harmony when they are together! Arguments between siblings are normal! Children imagine the love of parents as a big cake that must be shared, and the more the number of shares increases, the more they feel aggrieved! Explain to them that your parenting heart multiplies with the number of children, and that parents can love two, three or four children at the same time! 

3. Should we prevent them from fighting?

Arguments have an essential function, they serve to take one’s place and gain respect. If you forbid them, you deprive your children of constructive moments. The fraternal bond is self-regulating, and confrontations alternate with moments of complicity and play. In the event of a conflict, do not censor the belligerents, listen to their complaints and reframe: “I see that you are angry but you must respect yourself. . »Stay away in case of small hitches, give them a chance to resolve the conflict on their own.

4. Should we intervene if they fight?

Intervene if they come to blows, separate them if one of them is in danger or if it is always the same who is submitted. Then take the attacker by the arm, look him straight in the eye and recall the rules: “It is forbidden to kick each other or to insult each other in our family. I don’t want that at home. »Verbal violence as much as physical violence is to be avoided.

5. Does it deserve punishment?

In the event of a fight, do not say the trick question: “Who started it?” », Because it is unverifiable and each will say that it is the other! Better to opt for a “light” sanction: isolation in the room for a few minutes, deprivation of a square or DVD for everyone. Then have them perform a drawing for their brother or sister as a message of reconciliation and peace. Never punish a single “culprit” and not the others! If you punish too hard, you risk turning a glitch into a stubborn grudge …

6. How can they get along better?

Underline the moments of cordial understanding. When silence reigns in the house, pay compliments: “As you play well, it gives me great pleasure to see you so happy together!” »Try to punctuate their day with sports activities, board games … We bicker more when we are bored and have nothing to do! 

7. Why is it the permanent fist in you?

First thing, banish the “always” and the “never” from your vocabulary. Even if you have that impression, they aren’t “always” punching each other! The attitude of the parents is fundamental in the good relationship of the children between them. Perhaps you are uniting with the eldest against the younger, without realizing it (you were the eldest of your siblings). Or the opposite ? Rivalries can be repeated from generation to generation. Knowledge can defuse this phenomenon, and if the situation escapes you, do not hesitate to consult. Another piece of advice, do not argue in front of them: the children react by imitation and you are a “model” to follow. If you argue, so do they! They can also argue to get your attention, or keep the weakened parental couple alive, prevent them from separating …

8. What if they don’t want to play together?

You dreamed that they adore each other, but the brotherly feeling is built over time. Do not force the elder to love his little brother… Avoid the sentences: “Be nice, give him kisses…” Love cannot be ordered, but mutual respect is! It is essential that you force the elder to respect his younger brother, and the younger to respect his elder of course, because we know how fraternal relationships have a powerful impact on the construction of identity. Children are by nature very tempted to have fun with other children. The eldest and the youngest understand that it is more fun to share, to invent new games together. An infallible way to create bonding is to push your little rascals to join forces to make their parents go crazy!

9. Should they be forced to lend their toys?

Each child must respect the other’s “territory” and his property. Apply the rule “What is mine is not necessarily yours!” “. Do not force the “big one” to share everything, to lend his toys, while the little one, still clumsy, often handles them brutally.

10. Is it okay to give gifts to other children when it’s a single birthday?

The birthday celebrates the day of birth of a child, not of all the siblings! Even if the kids are the same month, it makes sense to give gifts and a gorgeous birthday cake to the candle-blower who’s the hero of the party! The other children will have their cake and their gift on the day they are born. This false good idea of ​​trying to erase jealousy only makes it flare up. You can propose to the one whose birthday it is also to give a gift to his brother or his sister if he wants. But no obligation! It is important to explain that depending on the events, life is not the same for everyone.  

11. How does an older child react to the arrival of twins?

The arrival of twins can weaken the elder, especially if he is close together, because the twins forming a block, he can feel rejected. To reassure him, explain to him that when he was a baby, he enjoyed a privileged situation as an only child, which the twins will not know. Book him one-on-one meetings. These moments will prove to him that he is still your beloved child, even if the twins monopolize your attention …

12. Are they more jealous when they are close together?

The rule is simple: the more children have a small age gap, the more there is a threat to their identity and therefore rivalry! A fortiori if they are of the same sex. Your role is to help everyone find their place by highlighting their strengths.

13. When to tell the oldest that he is going to have a baby brother?

At 12 months, a child is able to understand that soon he will no longer be alone with his parents. It is important to tell her about the arrival of the baby, when the pregnancy is established. A little one lives in the present and 9 months is a long time! Many children guess it, feel that their mother has changed, they catch snatches of conversations… And worry. Better then reassure them by telling them.

14. What if it leaves him indifferent?

Once the announcement is made in simple words, the reactions are variable. Some are proud to become a big brother / sister. Others indifferent. Others unhappy. No reaction is abnormal, because every child is crossed by contradictory feelings at the idea of ​​having to share the love of his parents. Show him pictures of him little one. The baby will become like him.

15. What if the older child is aggressive towards the baby?

It is imperative to remain very vigilant at the beginning! The oldest one claims the attention of his mother. He makes noise when the baby is sleeping, asks for a hug when he takes a bath and moans at the “annoyance”. He needs to know that he is understood, that he has the right to be mad at the baby. Encourage him to express his anger in words instead of taking action. Set clear boundaries: “You don’t have the right to hurt him. Knowing that the adult is there to contain his aggressive impulses reassures the aggressor.

16. Should we give the same number of fries… to avoid jealousy?

Believing you are doing well, you give the same to both. Believe the shrinks, counting the same number of strawberries, buying everything twice is a bad idea! Children raised in the illusion of “everything the same” will never stop comparing and jealous of each other. And it could get worse in adolescence! 

17. Does the eldest child have to give a birth gift?

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a good idea, because he doesn’t always want to give her a present. This gesture makes parents more happy … He does not understand why he should give her a present. Especially since he will surely find that the baby is already receiving a lot of it! “Instead, if he feels like it, offer to draw him a picture,” suggests Christine Brunet, clinical psychologist.

18. Is there an ideal age gap?

There is no hard and fast answer. But it may be easier for each child to find their place if there is a two-year gap between them. If they are very close, it can create too many comparisons. Especially at school. Conversely, a large age gap can make complicity more difficult, the areas of interest being more distant.

19. Do they want to sleep in the same room?

It is often only a transitional and necessary step, which allows them to reassure themselves if there are worries or tensions in the family. Put an extra bed rather than letting them sleep in the same. And if they are too crazy, set limits and allow them to share room only on weekends.

20. How do we arrange a room for two?

Sharing your room with your brother or sister can be really fun! It’s up to you to respect a few design rules. Each child must have his space and his belongings according to his age: desk, bedside table, posters, reserved shelves… You can also make a separation with a screen. There are decorating tips for arranging a bedroom for two children. In addition to the distribution of space, teach them to respect each other’s privacy very early on: you change or put your diaper in the bathroom. Or we play on our bed, and not in the other’s … 

21. Should they be registered for the same activities?

” Especially not ! It is very important to differentiate between activities. And if they choose the same, it is better that they are not in the same group ”, assures Christine Brunet. Each child needs to build himself individually. If they practice the same sport or go to the same music or drawing class, it may reinforce the competition that already exists between them, do not add more.

22. How to react if the older one “plays the mother” and wants to take care of the baby?

From time to time, you can entrust small responsibilities to the big sister, according to her age of course – carrying the baby, feeding him the bottle… It is very rewarding for her. “But when she takes care of her little brother, don’t say ‘she’s playing mom’. Because the baby has only one mother, you! And a little girl “plays mother” only when she plays with dolls or with her toys, ”adds Christine Brunet.

23. When he tells you that you prefer his brother, how can you answer him?

Don’t beat yourself up, but don’t trivialize either. He is sad and maybe jealous. Ask him to tell you how he feels. Explain to him that if you take more care of his brother, it is because he needs special attention (you have to take him to the doctor…). His remark also shows that he would like to spend more time with you.

24. Can we love our children in the same way?

Each is unique. Each child comes to a different phase of life. Moreover, a child can make think of a person of the family with whom one has more or less affinities. Or send us an unpleasant image of ourselves. All this gives the impression that we do not like them the same. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love them so much.

25. Is it normal that the great regress?

He eats less, wets the bed… This regression is normal, because he has to give up being an only child. Patience, he will get used to this new situation. Read him stories of his heroes who had a little brother or a little sister …

26. He’s premature, and he’s staying in the hospital for some time. What to say to the big one?

You have to find the right words for each child, depending on their character and age. If the newborn stays a little in the hospital without major health problem, one can evoke a technical problem: one did not have time to arrange his room, he will come as soon as it is ready… In the case of very prematurity, it can be explained that the baby is not yet ready to come home. Don’t go into details. The important thing is to make him wait.

27. If we give the things of the eldest to the little one?

If it is usual clothing, no problem. As long as you think about buying him personal things … If the child is old enough, we must ask if he is willing to give such toy. And we respect his decision to keep his old bear, because it is the symbolic value that the object has for the child that counts.

28. When they have a big age difference, are they like two only children?

When the second arrives when the eldest is already grown up, the parents have the impression of starting the adventure all over again! But they are also more experienced. From the point of view of the siblings, the eldest was until then “only child”, his life is changing! But the little one has a big brother (or sister) from the start. 

29. Why do we feel guilty about the big when the little one arrives?

Suddenly, the elder is no longer the center of the world. His mother has another center of interest and subconsciously there is rivalry between the children. The big one becomes jealous. Parents see the eldest child in pain, it is guilty, even if they assume they wanted this second child.

30. Is it a good idea for the elders to participate in the choice of the first name?

Not at all ! We often see on invitations “Clément is happy to announce the birth of …”. In fact, he’s not that happy! The arrival of a new child is not the elder’s problem. Nor the choice of his first name. We do not need to have it validated by the child. Depending on his age, he can just give his opinion.