Contents
We are increasingly getting to know each other online, choosing a partner right on the smartphone screen. This is convenient and fits the rhythm of our lives, but what are the pitfalls of online dating and how to avoid them?
Online technologies have significantly influenced dating. Many of the changes have been positive, such as expanding the pool of potential partners and selecting people based on predetermined characteristics. UCLA psychology professor Kelly Campbell writes, “In fact, online dating is now responsible for about 20% of marriages.”
But this article focuses not on the pros, but on the possible negative aspects of the phenomenon. Campbell highlights some of the pitfalls for those who sit on dating sites, and offers solutions.
Too much attention to appearance
Dating sites and apps that show people as profiles—photos and short bios—inspire a reassessment of looks. Although it is normal to “meet by clothes” but in traditional acquaintances, for example, through friends, at school or at work, we have the opportunity to see much more in a person than just appearance, and based on the general impression, decide whether we want to date him again.
The quick and often superficial assessments associated with online dating can lead us to overlook who might be a good match. How to solve this problem? Kelly Campbell recommends expanding your “type” range to get more possible matches. Attraction can be more intense and lasting when we get to know the person’s character and demeanor, as they affect the degree of physical attractiveness. It’s worth giving people a chance to show their personality before discounting them.
The One-Shot Approach to Relationships
Let’s say two people have a match, they exchange messages and go on a date. The context in which they first met online sets them up for further exploration of each other. But instead of focusing on the positive qualities of a person, people who go on dates look for something to complain about.
One reason for this trend is that online dating opens up a wide range of potential partners for a person. Buyer logic kicks in: if one candidate has too many flaws, it’s easy to move on to the next one. When people meet in the usual ways, they tend to look around for a while before starting to date.
This allows them to get to know each other better and make a more informed decision about whether or not to continue communicating. How to avoid the trap? Focus on friendship first. Campbell recommends setting a friend request in your profile or selecting the “search for friends” option, depending on the interface of the site or application. By doing this, we relieve the unnecessary tension associated with the expectation of a romantic connection, stop looking for flaws and instead focus on the overall impression of the person. Should we also remind everyone who is in search that friendship is the key to a long-term romantic relationship?
Risk of being deceived
You can get scammed in any relationship, but the risk is higher online and some forms of scams are unique to online dating. For example, a person may not tell the truth about their marital status or sexual orientation in a face-to-face context, but lies about gender and physical appearance are only possible online.
Callie Campbell cites research data that says up to 90% of online dating site participants were scammers, which, as she puts it, is a huge number, considering that, according to 2009 data, about 50 million people participated in online dating. Most people understand the risks, encounter fake profiles, meet dangerous people, and experience emotional distress, but continue to use these forums anyway.
How to avoid deception? It is worth listening to intuition and paying attention to alarm signals. For example, if a person refuses to video chat and immediately offers to meet in person, or if they seem too nice, then they are probably hiding something. “Don’t waste your time with someone you won’t get the respect and treatment you deserve. If you are looking for a relationship, and the person is not ready to spend the time and energy to meet you, then he is not the one you are looking for, ”Summarizes Campbell.
Dating apps and sites open up many opportunities for those who seek to find their man. The main thing is to remember about safety and approach the process reasonably. No matter how sometimes these resources resemble a shop window, when meeting and communicating with people, other laws still apply.
About the author: Kelly Campbell is a psychologist and professor at the University of California.