Should you talk to your kids about a failed pregnancy?

The family is looking forward to replenishment: clothes for the baby are bought. Toys, crib, stroller. Mom’s tummy is growing every month. But – it happens – for some reason, the pregnancy is interrupted, the newborn dies in childbirth or in the first month. How should parents behave with older children who never waited for a brother or sister?

It is not yet customary to talk about perinatal losses in our country widely. Nevertheless, these cases, alas, are not uncommon. Is it necessary to tell the child that his brother or sister has died? Many adults believe that it is better to bypass this topic: why injure the child’s psyche? Grow up and find out. But there are a few questions that parents face sooner or later. We will answer them with the help of Vera Povetkina, a psychologist at the Light in Hands charity foundation.

1. Should I talk about the death of a brother or sister?

If the children were told about pregnancy, prepared for the appearance of the baby, then it is necessary to report his death, since the unknown (where did the baby go, what happened to him, why is the mother crying and walking very sad?) gives rise to anxiety and fantasies.

If the termination of pregnancy occurred at a very early date, and the children and relatives have not yet been informed about the pregnancy, then the decision to tell is at the discretion of the parents, but in any case, it is important to explain the mother’s absence and her condition. For example, like this: “Mom is sick, so she will spend a few days in the hospital, where the doctors will take care of her.”

2. Should children be taken to funerals, if they take place?

The conventional wisdom, including among some psychologists and doctors, is that it is better not to injure children with difficult experiences, to leave them at home so that they remember the baby as he was during his lifetime (in case he was seen after birth). But death is part of our life.

It is easier to experience grief with the whole family, support each other, be sad and remember the good moments that were during the short life of the baby (in mother’s belly or in the maternity hospital). The child needs to feel like an important participant in family affairs. You can help children accept the way life works: “Yes, it happens. It’s very sad and bitter, but it happens.”

It is necessary to explain how a person comes into this world (for example, he is born in a maternity hospital, he is met at home) and how he leaves it (they say goodbye, bury, keep bright and warm moments in memory). Joint and honest conversations with children in this situation teach the child to empathize with family members and provide the first experience of supporting loved ones. Therefore, children of three years and older can be asked: “Dad and I will go to the funeral of our baby, do you want to come with us or stay at home?”

If the child decides to stay at home, then care must be taken that in the absence of his parents he is with someone he knows and is close to, so that this person honestly answers questions, can console if such a need arises, and not switch attention to another topic.

If the child agrees to go to the funeral, then it is important to talk to him, tell him why this is being done. Explain what a funeral is and why bury (it is customary to bury according to one customs in our country, in other countries – according to others). Tell how everything will happen, for example: “We will arrive, the baby will be in a small wooden coffin, we will be with candles, they will read a prayer, then the coffin will be buried in the ground.”

And most importantly: you need to warn the child that he can leave the funeral ceremony or go home at any time if he feels that he no longer wants to be there. But explain that dad and mom will not be able to leave with him, so the child will go home with a nanny or relative (discuss this with the accompanying adult in advance).

3. Is it normal for children to ask a lot of questions?

“And what happened? Why did it happen? Who is guilty? But this won’t happen to me?” These questions often concern children. Their first reaction to the news of the death of a brother or sister can be completely different: someone will cry and rush to hug their parents, someone will get angry and run away to their room. Any reactions are normal: this is how the psyche reacts and tries to accept a painful event.

A lot of questions is also normal. It is very important that adults answer all of them, and that children have the opportunity to ask, discuss, share their experiences and fears with one of the elders. If the parents can’t immediately figure out what to say to the child, then you can honestly say, “I need time to think about your question,” and return to the conversation later.

What should parents pay attention to in a child’s reaction? If the children have not seen the baby, then the feeling of his death is perceived less realistically. Children grieve that they could have a brother or sister, but this did not happen, and they mourn their dream. This is also worth talking about. Some of the children may blame their parents, doctors, and even themselves (magical fantasies appear: “I didn’t want my parents to have another child, it’s because of me”).

Sometimes a child is seized with fear for himself, that the same thing can happen to him or someone close to him. At such moments, he hardly lets his parents go away from him, it is hard to part with them. Honest and open conversation helps to refute the child’s magical and erroneous idea of ​​​​death, gives a sense of security. Already at the age of five or seven, children begin to understand that life is finite, that no one lives forever.

Do not be afraid of questions: “Are you going to die? And when? Why do people die? Everything is fine with your child, he just learns life.

4. How to organize the life of the family after the funeral?

It is desirable to preserve the old way of life – the daily routine, habitual activities, family traditions. We need someone who will listen and answer children’s questions so that the child has the opportunity to speak, and not be left alone with his fears and fantasies. It is worth offering children ways to remember a dead brother or sister: go to the cemetery, light a candle, make a book of memories, draw a picture, write a letter.

5. How not to behave with children?

You can not shift the responsibility and care for grieving parents to the child. Children can help mom and dad, they can be asked for help, but it is important that parents have support on the side (friends, relatives, psychologists, doctors), while remaining adults with their children.

There is no need to pretend that everything is fine and nothing happened: the child feels that something has changed, and, not receiving reliable information, begins to worry and fantasize not in his favor. It is not forbidden to ask or talk about the loss. It is impossible to forbid and scold for the manifestation of feelings: “Stop crying!” And so on.

6. When should you contact a psychologist with your child?

What signals in children’s behavior should I pay attention to? If for a long time some manifestations remain or intensify that were not there before: the child has insomnia – he cannot sleep for a long time, wakes up, screams at night; violation of appetite – constantly eats or, conversely, eats little; a sharp deterioration in school performance; a sudden change in behavior – the child has become quiet or overly aggressive, or very shy.