Divorce is a big stress for the whole family. Experiencing it, many parents protect their children from unnecessary worries and say that everything is fine. But does this deception help children or, on the contrary, harm them? And what words would be appropriate at such a moment?
In our desire to protect children, we sometimes lose sight of the fact that they are able to sense our condition. If a mother tells a child that everything is in order, but her face is contorted in pain, her heart beats, and her eyes express despair, he will see that she is ill. Such a double bind can have a negative impact on the child’s psyche.
The situation will worsen if the child decides that his mother’s mood is somehow connected with him and he upset her, but does not know how. This may lead him to think that he is “bad”.
The ability to become infected with the emotions of others is inherent in our nature, scientists say. Evolution endowed primates and other living beings with such a property for the survival of a tribe, herd or pack. When one member of the group senses danger and experiences fear, others pick up this condition. Sharing “group feelings” makes it possible to jointly track the threat and escape.
The emotional connection between a child and a mother is especially strong. Her “settings” are laid before birth and, with proper maternal care, develop in infancy. If the mother is under stress, the child physiologically also shows similar symptoms. He is confused and will most likely ask a question that mom should be ready for.
Even very difficult situations can help us teach children something important and necessary.
Another extreme, characteristic of dysfunctional families, is when one of the parents takes the child “as an accomplice” during a divorce. Sets up against a former partner or extremely frankly talks about everything that happens. This is too much burden for the child’s psyche, such an experience can be traumatic.
How to be? What can a mother say to her son or daughter if she is nervous about divorce, frightened by threats from her ex, jealous of him or experiencing loss?
Psychologists recommend not to deceive the child, but also not to tell him all the details of his experiences. What are the possible answers? Clinical psychologist Elizabeth Cohen recommends the following:
Child: “Mommy, what’s wrong with you? Are you angry? Why are you crying? It’s because of me?”
Mom: “Yes, baby, I want to scream into the pillow. You are so good for noticing this. Yes, I’m upset. Now I will allow myself to cry, and then I will feel better. Thank you for being so considerate to me. I’m not angry at you at all. It will pass, for sure.”
Answering in this way, we can solve many problems. This applies not only to contact with the child. By example, we teach him an important skill – how to deal with your emotions.
Because the real lessons are not in the classroom in the kindergarten, development group or school, the real lessons are given to us by life itself. Even very, very difficult situations can help us teach our children something important and necessary and feel like good parents.
“When talking to your child about divorce, avoid extremes”
Natalya Abalmasova, gestalt therapist
When talking to a child about divorce, two extremes must be avoided.
Firstly, do not ignore or hide the fact of a divorce – for example, when they say that dad went on a business trip for a year. This creates a false, substitute reality.
Secondly, do not devote the child to all the details of the conflict. No need to make him an accomplice, an ally, a vest or a judge. All these roles are unusual for children and harm them at any age. Parents need to take care of themselves, find people with whom they can share experiences and get support. It can be friends, relatives, a psychologist, a support group.
In my opinion, a child is not so much interested in the nuances of parents’ feelings about divorce as he needs to understand what is happening in general, why and how this will all change his life and the life of his family. Simple and clear answers (depending on the age of the child) may well satisfy his need. For example: “We no longer live together, but we still love you. And we still remain your parents”, “I’m sad”, “I’m angry and upset, but it’s not because of you.”
It is important for a child to know where and with whom he will live, how often he will see the other parent, with whom he will spend his holidays, and so on. By reducing the level of anxiety from uncertainty, maintaining the stability of his life and family ties where possible, we help the child cope with the situation of divorce.
About expert
Natalya Abalmasova – Gestalt therapist.