The son cleaned his room and took his sister out of the garden, the daughter washed the dishes and got an A. Should we reward them with money? Let’s try to figure out what is the difference between a fee and a promotion.
“I always pay my son for help at the dacha,” says Nikolai. He is 38 years old, and he is sure that at the age of 13, a teenage son should have his own pocket money: with their help, he will learn to plan expenses, compare his requests with family income.
“Yes, this is simply immoral! — outraged 32-year-old Albina, mother of two younger students. “If you bring up your sons this way, then in my old age I will have to pay them for giving me a glass of water!”
28-year-old Svetlana, the mother of a first-grader, doubts: “As a child, my father gave me “ice cream” for good grades, but it seems that this did not affect my desire to study … If I now start paying my daughter, I’m afraid she will even demand it on trifles: “I removed the toys — pay!”
So is it worth encouraging the efforts of our children with money? We asked the experts about it.
System of values
“Each family has its own position and its own upbringing strategy,” says child psychologist Natalya Evsikova. “It depends on the value system, traditions and style of communication between family members.”
For some, any work of children around the house is perceived as a natural duty: at the age of three, a child may well put a cup and plate in the sink, and at eight years old, throw out the trash. Other parents believe that the child is obliged, for example, to clean his room, but for the fact that he did something beyond that, say, neatly arranged books on his shelves, he should be paid.
“The family is an integral system,” says educational psychologist Irina Khomenko, “and the child occupies a certain place in it. Like other family members, he has certain rights and obligations. But when he does something beyond that, makes extra efforts, it is natural that parents can not only thank him, but also express their gratitude financially.
37-year-old Irina gave money to her eldest son for the first time — as a gift, after he took third place at the citywide biology olympiad. “Mitya put in so much effort to achieve his goal that it seemed natural to us to reward him. And instead of giving away another video game, we just put money in an envelope.” But does this mean that it is imperative to encourage money?
“Money is just one of the ways to express our pleasure and show the child that we appreciate his effort, diligence, perseverance,” says Natalia Evsikova. “Money works great as a gift.” Such a present is especially important for teenagers: they often move away from their parents, and this form of attention to them can cause in response a desire to participate more in family life.
A reward, but not a salary
“We promised our 10-year-old daughter at the end of the year to reward her and pay her a certain amount if the music teacher was pleased with her,” complains 34-year-old Maria, “but the daughter both dodged classes and dodged!”
“Many children find it difficult to wait a long time for the promised reward,” explains Natalia Evsikova. — «At the end of the year» is an eternity for a 10-year-old girl. You can, for example, agree as follows: if you spend 1,5 hours all week, watering flowers or cleaning toys in the room, then on Sunday you will have something to go to the movies with friends.
But here it is important not to overdo it: the reward should correspond to the effort made. A little effort is a small reward, a big one is a big bonus. If your 10-year-old son does not throw his things around the room for a week, but begins to put them in a laundry box, such an effort cannot be equivalent to, say, the cost of a new computer. It is fair to set a reward equal to an inexpensive gift: a soft toy, a book, a computer game, etc.
Penalties
Some parents not only pay their children «for the good» but also fine them «for the bad.» If a child has lost a mobile phone or received a deuce for an essay, he loses the promised reward or pocket money.
“A fine, like any punishment, is less effective than a reward,” explains Natalya Evsikova. “A fine is logical only in the system of adult business relations, and for a child it often does not matter at all, because many children do not have a sufficiently clear motivation for owning money.”
“Some people find it easier to do nothing than to work hard and make money,” adds Irina Khomenko. “So there should be no pure fines, but a firm agreement is needed on what consequences the failure to comply with the terms of the contract will cause.”
Prizes and achievements
“Money incentives should still remain something special,” insists Natalia Evsikova. “It is important that this gift matches the inner feeling of the child: I deserve it!” How to ensure that money for a child does not become an end in itself?
“If he feels that with their help his parents support him, appreciate his efforts, and not just pay off, do not replace care, love and tenderness with banknotes, then he will perceive the money as just a great gift,” explains Natalya Evsikova.
But what about everyday duties that you don’t want to do so much? “It’s literally not worth paying for homework. Everyone at home makes it — everything and for everyone, — Irina Khomenko believes. — But the agreements themselves on the division of household chores must be present. And be reviewed regularly, as new circumstances appear all the time.
“We do something for loved ones not for the sake of a reward, but because we love them,” emphasizes psychologist Anna Fenko. Therefore, it can be embarrassing to do something for money for your relatives, but it is always nice, especially for children, to receive a gift, an award, a prize from them.
How do you draw the line between pay and reward? “The pay is a compensation for the work done, and the reward is an encouragement for achievement,” Irina Khomenko believes. “Work is what a person already knows how to do. What he learned, what he achieved, what he created is worthy of the award.
The material used information from the forums detochka.ru