Attraction can fade for a variety of reasons. But sex should be engaged in spite of the lack of desire, the sexologist believes.
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There are many reasons why sexual desire may fade: a busy work day, poor health, a decline in sexual activity in one or both partners. But sex expert Jan Kerner advises not to succumb to temporary lack of desire and to have sex against all odds.
“Physical arousal in women causes sexual desire,” says sexologist Jan Kerner, author of She Finishes First.1. – If you physically involve your body in the process of sex, your mind, having received arousal signal from the body, will also tune in to sex. And if you get an orgasm during “forced” sex, your brain will remind you later that you are missing out on intimacy.”
In addition, studies show that by giving pleasure to a partner, we increase our own libido.2. Therefore, if you find yourself involved in intimacy, but without experiencing sexual desire, it is worth trying to use sex to understand what your partner likes. In this case, the lack of desire can develop into involvement in the process.
Jan Kerner believes that first of all, you need to understand why sexual desire has disappeared. If the reason is a difficulty in getting an orgasm, you can try to include sex accessories in the process or try unusual positions that help achieve orgasm. If the problem is related to fading passion, which is not uncommon in long-term relationships, a confidential conversation with a partner about sexual fantasies that will be interesting to embody together will help to solve it.
How to share sexual fantasies with a partner?
“There are many varieties of sex,” says Jan Kerner. – Sex can be a component of an intimate emotional connection, a way to relieve stress, to realize your fantasies. Sometimes, to feel desire, it is enough to explore the whole range of sexual possibilities.3.
1 I. Kerner «She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman» (HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2008).
2 A. Muise et al. «Keeping the Spark Alive Being Motivated to Meet a Partner’s Sexual Needs Sustains Sexual Desire in Long-Term Romantic Relationships», Social Psychological and Personality Science, May 2013.
3 K. Sollee «Why Sometimes You Should Have Sex Even If You Aren’t in the Mood», Women’s Health, November 2014.