Gone are the days when a woman was legally required to take her husband’s surname. Today, no one will judge if you keep your maiden name. And yet there is something to think about. The arguments of American women, suitable for our realities, were summarized by NBC correspondent Gabrielle Frank.
A few months before the wedding, the future husband began to find out if I was going to take his last name. I admitted that I would not want to do this: “Listen, I’m already 30! At this age, change the surname … why? Then she added a second argument: “I will still sign my work with my last name, why then should I change it in my private life?” And finally, I told him how I value my relationship with my paternal grandfather, my maiden name symbolizes for me the connection with him and with my family.
For the groom, this was a surprise, and he was upset, so in the time remaining before the wedding, I avoided returning to this topic in every possible way. After the wedding, he stopped worrying about it, although, perhaps, he hopes that I will change my mind. Of course, when we decided to get married, I knew that sooner or later we would have to discuss this issue, and I hoped to find clues on the Internet how to talk about it. I found that no one writes about this, and decided to fill this gap for those who today are considering whether to change their last name or not.
1. The most difficult thing is to make a decision, then it will be easier. “I spent a lot of time thinking about this question,” says NBC senior editor Robin Kawakami, “and then it turned out that it had no effect on my life at all. In addition, I did not have to change my passport and other documents on the eve of my honeymoon. There were small slips when at the wedding they gave me checks drawn out for the “new” surname, that’s all.
2. It is possible that your new relatives care less than you think. “I was worried that the groom’s relatives — recent immigrants — would be disappointed with my decision not to take his last name,” recalls L.A. teacher Leigh Ann Tomuka. “It turned out they didn’t attach much importance to it.”
3. Sometimes strangers are more concerned about this than the husband. My decision, as it turned out, hurt the husbands of my friends the most. When one of them asked why I made such a decision, I repeated what I explained to the groom: “I, as a journalist, have been working for my own name for many years and now I don’t want to change it.” The friend’s husband snorted, “So it’s because you’re such a prolific journalist?” “It says more about him than about you,” says marriage counselor Bela Gandhi. – The best way to communicate with such people is to agree with them: “Yes, you’re right, I should have changed my last name.” They want a confrontation, and when you agree, it turns out that there is nothing to argue about.”
When you take your husband’s last name: what you need to know in advance
4. A brother may be mistaken for a husband. “Many people take me for my brother’s wife and sometimes they think that he has two wives – me and my daughter-in-law. And all because we have the same surnames, ”Leigh Ann Tomuka laughs.
5. At birth, the child will be registered in your last name. In the maternity hospital, it will be recorded in your last name, regardless of which one you plan to indicate later on the birth certificate. Of course, this is unlikely to be a blow to pride and a subject of worries for a young father if you and your child are discharged in three days. But if for some reason the baby ends up in intensive care and his stay in the maternity hospital or hospital is prolonged, the father may feel as if he was removed from the child.
6. When you have children, you will be called by your husband’s last name. “Because my children have their father’s last name, everyone who deals with them in one way or another is sure that this is my last name too, and they call me Mrs. Van Der Werf,” says journalist Eun Kim. “And this despite the fact that my maiden name is everywhere in the children’s medical records and in their school documents.” However, at the wedding or after it, you will receive congratulatory messages, checks and New Year’s cards, where you and your husband will appear under the same last name.
7. Your kids won’t pay attention to it. “My daughter is now in the seventh grade, and only recently it dawned on her that I bear my maiden name. “God, so you have Bela Gandhi!” she exclaimed, the family counselor laughs. Gandhi has been married for 20 years, and she made the decision not to change her last name 2 days before the wedding.
8. Over time, you can change your mind. “I didn’t change my last name when I got married, and that didn’t stop my husband and I from being a friendly team,” says Laura Coffey, editor of Today. “But then a third “player” appeared – a son. And the older he got, the more I began to feel that I did not quite share the overall team spirit. It’s like I forgot to order my signature team jersey. And on the eve of the 20th wedding anniversary, I began to draw up documents for changing my last name. The time has come, now I want it myself.
9. “Either-or” is not the only option. Why not use both surnames? If you change your last name in your passport, you can keep your maiden name in your profession. “I have been in journalism for so long! Laura Coffey laughs. – In private life, I am ready to switch to my husband’s surname. But for me to change the signature under my texts? Never!”
About the Developer
Gabriel Frank, health and wellness editor for Today, NBC’s morning show.
Source: today.com