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The collapse of the family is a trauma for both partners. But men, as a rule, manage to survive the breakup more calmly. Women are more likely to view breakups as a catastrophe that can negatively affect their lives for a long time. Experts talk about these differences.
“Once this person made you happy, but you both have changed”
Men also take divorce painfully. However, they are less likely to blame themselves and even more so to regard the separation as the end of their personal life. Coach Chris Armstrong believes that there are at least three reasons proving that the feelings of guilt and failure experienced by women are unfounded.
He has changed
And not because you made a mistake in it during the period of acquaintance or the beginning of a life together. It’s just that those wonderful qualities that you valued so much turned out to be the other side. His softness, willingness to compromise could turn into an inability to take responsibility for the family, to act decisively in difficult situations.
Perhaps you were impressed by his dedication to the matter. Over time, it turned out that anxiety and the need to keep everything in life under control were hidden behind going to work. However, the realm of feelings is difficult to control, and in relations with you, he became more and more detached, preferring to devote time to his career.
He was not ready for difficulties and discussion of problems.
After a period of falling in love and striving to meet your partner in everything, reality comes with an inevitable mismatch of views and decisions. Both partners must be ready to speak openly and hear the arguments of the other side. However, instead of a desire to understand and meet halfway, a person can punish you with silence, showing himself as a passive aggressor.
You lacked life experience
If, years later, you realize that you could have foreseen everything that you will have to face, do not blame yourself. Probably, now that you are older, you have more experience and insight. Being in love and turning a blind eye to many things is a necessary life experience that is important to live. Love is a beautiful and very confusing feeling, and many things are intertwined in it. Once this person made you happy, but you have changed, and today you have different desires and needs. What matters is the decisions you make today.
“Women are experiencing emotionally, and this is more noticeable”
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
The arguments of the male side are quite sound. But often behind the calls to stop suffering lies a desire to relieve oneself of responsibility — “don’t cry like that, dear, otherwise I feel like a monster.” After all, female bitter feelings give rise, in turn, to a feeling of male guilt.
This is a story about differences, which are largely dictated by social rules. Women’s suffering is acceptable, while men’s suffering is unspoken. In addition, men are more action-oriented, and they readily switch to work, travel, new relationships. Women are tuned in to feelings and discuss parting with friends on social networks. It is much easier for women to go through all the stages of mourning at the loss of a relationship and to integrate the experience gained, which cannot be said about men.
If the state of loss of self-confidence and feelings of guilt lasts a woman for a long time, then this is a separate problem, which is only clearly manifested when the relationship is broken. In this case, it is necessary to work with the root cause: what can be the roots in family history, how much it is possible to be in contact with reality, and not with destructive fantasies.