How to build relationships between your children? And what does our own childhood experience have to do with it? Adele Farber, future author of books about life with children, once participated in a parent group that looked for answers to these questions. For herself, she made several conclusions.
“Why are we surprised? After all, we have not forgotten how we ourselves fought with our brothers and sisters? Why not now try to use your experience of relationships with a brother or sister, why not try it on your children? When I shared my thoughts with the group, everyone immediately started talking: both that the experience of girls is not good for raising boys, and that being a child who willingly fights is not at all the same as being a father who has to keep children from a fight.
Everyone had something to remember. The younger ones were constantly brought to tears, bullied, and they still feel insecure and cannot cope with the leaders in any way. The elders, on the contrary, commanded, pushed around the younger ones and still try to be leaders, bosses, and without this they do not feel happy. At some point, we began to realize how powerful our childhood emotions are and how they now affect our families and our children. “So this is how our children feel! ..”
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- Children’s jealousy: how to save family peace
What if it’s just that we’re setting ourselves the wrong task? Why did I decide that my sons should definitely become friends? I suffer, I go crazy, and life shows that many brothers and sisters do not succeed in friendship. But there is no hate.
And now my grown sons meet, one is an artist, the other is a scientist. At first, they joke and tease each other about the specifics of each work. Then they seriously discuss the work of their fellow leaders: one in art, the other in science. Immediately, a discussion flares up, which is more important for society – art or science. They try to convince each other, then agree that both are important. A minute later, the conversation is thrown into the past. Old-fashioned anger rises, and they argue about who did what to whom and why, explaining everything from the current positions. After a while the mood changes again. And now they are already laughing together, remembering funny childhood incidents. It’s like there are two forces at work. One pushes them away from each other, using the differences between them, emphasizes their separateness and uniqueness. The other pushes them towards each other so that they can feel an amazing sense of brotherhood.
Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
“Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together
The book of American communication specialists is indispensable for parents who are exhausted by constant quarrels and jealousy between their children.
I was surprised at how easy it became for me when I realized that the differences in interests and temperaments that alienated them in childhood are still alive today. But I also realized that over the years I helped them build bridges to connect these sovereign islands. If they need each other, they have ways to get through to a brother. In vain I tried for many years to establish friendship between them, I should have thought that each of them would become himself, a sovereign island, and the bridges would build themselves. And since they are so different, they needed attention and love not equally. And I tried in vain to reassure them that I loved them equally. They still didn’t believe me.”