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It happens that in communication with the leader we tell something very personal about ourselves … and later regret it. What boundaries should be observed when deciding on frankness?
Once my apartment was robbed. To communicate with the investigator, I needed a three-day vacation. The general director of the company, to whom I came with a statement, took a keen interest in the extent of the damage.
Despite the fact that we knew each other superficially, I sincerely told him that it was not about the price of the stolen goods. The stolen items were family heirlooms, I associated them with close people, their stories intertwined with the history of the XNUMXth century… The boss got bored, quickly lost interest in the conversation, signed the application and escorted me out of the office. I realized that I went too far with details and emotions that he was not ready to delve into. Why did it happen?
It takes time to move from formal social ties to trusting relationships.
Various events can throw us off balance: the illness of someone close to us or a strange dream, a telephone conversation or a long-awaited, but inaccurately executed order that we made on the Internet. At times like these, we need to share our emotions. And we tell about the experience, first of all, to those with whom we spend most of the day, with whom we work together. Including colleagues whose status in the service hierarchy is higher than ours. This puts us in a vulnerable position.
“The mistake is that, laying out the details of private life as if in spirit, we, as a rule, do it spontaneously,” explains narrative psychologist Pierre Blanc-Sahnoun. – And thus we violate not only professional ethics, but also bring down the natural rhythm of the development of relations. After all, the transition from formal social ties to trusting relationships takes time. The interlocutor usually feels awkward. It is difficult for him to be attentive towards us, he is simply not ready for confidential communication.
Why are we so vulnerable
Yet the boss-subordinate relationship is changing. “Increasingly, employers are not only interested in our intelligence, education or competence,” notes psychologist Daniel Goleman, author of the bestselling book Emotional Intelligence at Work, “today we are also judged by the quality of our relationships with others and with ourselves.”
Openness and flexibility are increasingly becoming an important part of the concept of “work”. Talking about difficulties, expressing doubts and sharing what hurts is no longer a shame.
“Knowing what worries employees, the manager can more easily build effective relationships with each of them,” says coach Evgeny Kreslavsky. “Although there are many for whom the demonstration of power, the hierarchy is still more important than the result of the work. The trust of a subordinate helps such a boss to feel his importance and not to delve seriously into what he is told about.
To better understand yourself, you need to ask yourself questions: Who does my boss remind me of?
“At a meeting of department heads, I suddenly decided to talk about an idea that I had been thinking about for several weeks,” recalls Marina, 35, an economist. – Colleagues listened attentively to me, but the boss constantly interrupted, criticized, not listening to the explanations. He did not support me and did not understand. I was just desperate. And after a while, I nevertheless decided to have a frank conversation – to my surprise, the boss apologized for his tactlessness and thanked me for my frankness.
Frederick Perls, the creator of Gestalt therapy, believed that each person is like a white screen, on which, when communicating, other people project their feelings and thoughts. It is this feature of our psyche that explains why we too emotionally perceive the reaction of the boss to our confidential recognition.
“When we meet, we project phantoms of our past onto him — the image of an evil kindergarten teacher, a strict head teacher, a father or mother chastising and punishing us,” says Gestalt therapist Marik Khazin. “His words instantly awaken the emotional memory of childhood insults, and we are not able to take them critically.”
Our “projector” works automatically, emphasizes the Gestalt therapist. Therefore, in order to better understand yourself, you need to ask yourself questions: who does my boss remind me of? What associations arise when I meet him? Who else do I react to in this way? The answers will allow you to take a different look at the personality of the boss, make thoughts about him less intimidating, and personal communication more relaxed.
Which boss is easier for us to trust?
Whatever the specifics of the work, we will not be able to ignore the manifestation of emotions. It is important to be able to feel in unison with others, empathize with them, learn their point of view and maintain harmonious relations with a variety of people, including your own boss.
“Interaction with him does not cause anxiety if the leader in the service hierarchy is only a step higher than us: for example, for a journalist it would be the editor of the department in which he works,” psychologist Marina Khazanova analyzes the situation. We recognize his competence, we know his character, habits, there is an emotional connection between us and a clear distance in the relationship.
Therefore, it is easy to communicate even when we make a request or talk about a quarrel with a friend. To remain true to ourselves and tactful in communication, we are helped by a common system of values, a clear idea that we are like-minded people. And of course, mutual respect.
Emotionally intense is more often personal communication with middle and senior managers. “First of all, because in this case the common values are “hidden,” explains Marina Khazanova. “We simply do not have the opportunity to recognize them, because at work we rarely come into contact with high-ranking leaders.”
That is why it is better to prepare for a conversation by analyzing the information and substantiating your arguments. “And at the same time be aware that the result can be negative,” says the psychologist. – It is important to recognize the right of our interlocutor to disagree with our arguments, defending his own opinion. This will create a good atmosphere for mutual understanding.”
Ideal leader: who is he?
If we could choose a boss, then it would be someone who is ready to delve into our state of mind and knows how to control his own feelings, psychologists at University College London say. Such a boss has a high emotional intelligence quotient (EQ), which means he can understand when we are tired, angry or inspired. He is able to notice his own mood swings and can protect employees from them. In addition, if we were talking about a young boss, we would trust a man more, and an older leader would like to see a woman.
Such preferences are not accidental. According to a survey conducted by the Research Center of the Superjob.ru recruiting portal, 20% of employees (31% of women and 11% of men) are afraid of any dialogue with management, even when they themselves initiate it. To cope with anxiety, more than half of employees (55%) call on imagination and logic to help, thinking over the structure of a future conversation in advance. But 46% of the survey participants admit that they still spontaneously decided to have a frank conversation with the management.
Find a balance
This fact may surprise you: it is more difficult to communicate on personal topics for those of us who work in organizations where the “you” address is accepted. “Here it is easy to slip into familiarity, which leads to a violation of the boundary between friendly relations and workers,” Marina Khazanova explains.
“I was the general manager of an advertising startup project with 20 people working on it,” recalls Anton, 38, a PR manager. – We were all under 30 years old, we had common interests, both in work and in personal life. And relations in the team were established democratic, trusting. But at some point, some colleagues began to manipulate this equality, violating the deadlines and quality of work. And we had to part. I know that these people felt betrayed by me – someone they considered their friend.
What are we risking when we trust our boss with what we care about? For example, the fact that the interlocutor, having promised to keep what he heard from us, one day will tell the secret to exactly the one who should not have known about it.
Or, with the help of personal communication, a clan of favorites of the boss can line up, who use this trust for career growth.
Experts advise: when starting such a conversation, listen to your intuition and ask yourself: is this a good person? Is he worthy of my frankness? And if the answer is “yes”, then ask directly whether it is possible to touch on the topic of interest to you and whether he is now disposed to talk about it. A well-timed conversation is better than a sharp, confusing situation that both of you may not be prepared for.