Should I go to a psychologist? 6 reasons to doubt

“I started psychotherapy after two years of thinking,” says 53-year-old Svetlana. “I had a premonition that I would feel better if I talked to someone. And at the same time, I couldn’t get rid of the thought that seriously ill people, those who are too weak to cope on their own, go to a psychotherapist. That was more than ten years ago, but even today, when I advise some people I know to see a psychotherapist, they react as if I said they have Ebola.”

“Sometimes people come to our center who would like to change not themselves, but their neighbor, boss, husband or children,” says Inna Khamitova. — In this case, the psychologist tries to find out what the request of the applicant himself is. And it happens that clients do not like this approach, because they counted on a quick «fix» of others. But among those who have formulated a problem or desire, satisfaction with psychotherapy is close to 100%.

Experts are unanimous: never before have they had so many patients. By the way, in order to take advantage of free psychotherapy in a psychological center, sometimes you have to wait several months, there are so many people who want it. But they also have hesitations, fears and internal contradictions. We provide a list of the most common fears and prejudices that prevent you from seeing a psychotherapist.

1. I already know why I suffer

“I lost my parents early, and people around me often advised me to sign up for a psychologist. I refused because I didn’t think I needed help,” says 28-year-old Daria. “But I still go through periods of deep depression. And often the question pops up again — whether to go to a psychotherapist.

“I know my difficulties and, perhaps, I can overcome them on my own” — this argument serves to reassure myself, Inna Khamitova explains. — First of all, we must ask ourselves why the solution has not yet been found. It is difficult to observe oneself, to understand oneself. It is as if we are looking at ourselves in a distorted mirror. Introspection is a myth.»

Born in the Soviet era, the ideology of conscious self-control refers us to the imperatives: «be strong, endure, grit your teeth, achieve victory, deserve recognition.» In our culture, suffering is often associated with inner strength, but in reality, it takes more courage to open up to others and overcome your difficulties.

We should not forget that the psyche, extremely complex in its structure, is not limited to the conscious «I». The illusion of being able to cope with difficulties on your own also protects against another fear: to find yourself, in connection with psychotherapy, face to face with a hidden, monstrous part of yourself. “There is too much speculation around what happens in the therapist’s office. In fact, these are not at all necessarily shocking revelations and terrible discoveries about oneself, ”Inna Khamitova answers this. The risk of going in as the good Dr. Jekyll and coming out as the nasty Mr. Hyde is very small.

2. I’m not that bad

“I think that my problems are not serious enough to interest a psychotherapist. I’m afraid he won’t listen to me,” says 47-year-old Eleonora.

Such arguments are the result of a negative judgment, a devaluing view of oneself. “Sometimes problems with self-esteem do not even allow us to imagine that we deserve to be listened to, to be helped,” explains Inna Khamitova. — An overwhelming sense of guilt also interferes: “How can I complain when others suffer from poverty or serious illnesses? I have everything for happiness, I should be happy.

But the feeling of well-being does not depend on our will. We sometimes get so used to our mental pain that we stop noticing it, we perceive it as an inevitable background of other events. For some reason, we just don’t feel happy. And later, physical illnesses begin to signal that it’s time to change something.

You don’t have to be at the bottom of the abyss to «allow» yourself to see a psychotherapist. It’s even wiser to make an appointment ahead of time before you get there. Some come to a psychotherapist once, just to sum up or state that they do not need therapy. It’s time to finally put an end to the fantasy that psychotherapy is exclusively for people who are unbearably ill.

3. I’m afraid to stir up the past

“I’ve been wanting to go to a psychotherapist for ten years now, but it just doesn’t work out,” admits 38-year-old Irina. “I’m afraid to plunge into past suffering again. Although I know that this is only a stage that must be passed in order to get rid of them, it seems to me that this will be too painful.

“Such an argument as “I don’t want to stir up the past, chew on troubles,” sounds often, Inna Khamitova notes. “But we are more likely to come back to them again and again if we avoid going to a psychotherapist.

Scrolling through painful events in our heads, returning to them — this is what we do when we are left alone with difficulties. Conversely, during therapy, we can get out of this circle. The fact is that the presence of a third person — a psychotherapist — encourages us to change the record, change perception, come up with a new one.

Returning to the past in the present tense of a psychotherapy session can be painful. But during this meeting with the moments of our history, which are gradually releasing us from captivity, we are not alone: ​​a psychologist helps us, accompanying us in the most difficult moments.

The goal of therapy is not to return to childhood trauma, but to look at it through the eyes of an adult who has new opportunities. There are also such areas of psychotherapy — including systemic family therapy — that do not seek to immerse the client in the past and are rather aimed at finding resources.

4. I don’t want to talk about sex

“I’m thinking about seeing a therapist, but I don’t feel like talking about my sexual fantasies with a stranger,” Sofya, 48, writes to us. “You don’t have to share sexual fantasies, this is not a condition and not an obligatory part of therapy,” says Inna Khamitova. “Besides, clients themselves choose what they want to talk about. They can, for example, talk about what they ate for dinner yesterday, recall family recipes, mother’s cuisine, favorite childhood foods … «

The therapist may ask questions and suggest a topic, but never force the client to talk about something they are not ready for. And sexuality in psychotherapy is not reduced to genitals, to the genitals. Psychoanalysts believe that sex is everywhere: in the oral impulse that makes us like food or refuse it, as in eating disorders. In the scopic impulse that governs the pleasure of seeing or being seen, as well as the interest in photography, cinema, and so on.

And in everyday life, in the way we smile, look at each other, feel like a man or a woman, sex is also necessarily present. But many counseling clients do, sooner or later, mention their sexual practices and preferences, as well as imaginary scenes. Some use paraphrases to avoid the words «penis» or «vagina» or dare not say they are masturbating.

But, according to the therapist, fears disappear when trust is established and clients understand that they will not be judged. The therapist is not a judge, but his office is a protected, neutral space where you can talk about everything.

However, there is nothing irrational in the fears of our reader Sophia and those who are in her position.

“In everyday life, another person is a potential judge,” recalls Inna Khamitova. “Besides, the rules of propriety that govern the life of society do not allow detailed discussions about sexual practices and fantasies. Even when we think we are far from Judeo-Christian morality, it regularly reminds us of itself.

However, it should never be forgotten that every person is also an animal, a thinking mammal, who carries an instinctive, impulsive part in him. Learning to live with this impulsive part is precisely the goal of therapy.”

5. It’s too expensive for me

“I wish I could go to therapy, but I can’t afford to pay $5000 for a session unless I take out a loan,” complains 27-year-old Valentin. The cost of various types of psychotherapy is one of the factors that make us hesitate.

“But doesn’t our bad health come at a cost? — Inna Khamitova objects. — For symptoms, blocks, neurotic behaviors, anxiety, we pay with failures in work and in love, a life without joy. We should also not forget about useless spending, with which we are trying to compensate for what we lack. To bet on «having» rather than «being» because we don’t feel we exist is an unprofitable calculation. Nothing costs us as much as the life that passes us by.

What options do those who cannot pay for sessions have? “There are free psychological services and hotlines,” recalls Inna Khamitova. — And in many centers preferential reception is conducted. In ours, for example, there are two counseling programs: social and internship. In the latter, the price is minimal: the interns undergoing retraining at the center advise. You can also get 10 appointments with an experienced specialist for free — if the client agrees, so that interns can observe this consultation. Of course, all participants sign a confidentiality agreement.”

So we can abandon the idea that psychotherapy will inevitably ruin us. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to pay cash to get results. “Cash, checks, wire transfers all work equally well,” confirms the therapist. “And it works even when the client pays cheap. Child psychoanalyst Françoise Doltot asked her child patients for a nominal fee — a coin, a metro ticket, some small thing.

6. I don’t believe it will help me.

“My problem is too old, it has already grown into me, has become a part of my personality, therefore, I am afraid that no psychotherapist can cope with this,” complains 43-year-old Alevtina.

“A psychotherapist helps us do something important for ourselves, provided that we want it,” says Inna Khamitova. “But it also happens that some part of us, although we do not realize it, prefers to maintain habitual dissatisfaction and maintain a familiar symptom, so as not to face the unknown.”

Sometimes distrust is an unconscious narcissistic challenge to psychotherapy: “I am special, my difficulties and fears are completely unique! Can you, a psychotherapist, move me?” Doubt is also often a symptom of depression that should be taken seriously — «I’m in such a hopeless situation or I’m in such despair that no one can get me out.» And this is just a good reason to make an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible.