We want to be accepted for who we are. But can we accept the otherness of the other? Where does tolerance come from? Can a child be taught this?
“They don’t come to a child psychologist with the question: what should we do when it comes to tolerance? — says analytical psychologist Evgenia Dyachenko. — Often the request sounds different, but it is about the same. My child is not accepted in the yard or kindergarten. Son or daughter is being bullied at school. I have a physical defect, they laugh at me. We have moved from another city or country and cannot adapt to the place in any way. Private questions are really about how society as a whole relates to differences.”
We have to meet with phenomena that did not exist before in principle or were not so manifested. For example, sexual orientation. Or the variety of cultural traditions that used to accumulate in the regions, and now, due to internal migration, are spreading everywhere, causing concern for local residents. We have to adapt to new others.
“My daughter is 5 years old, she began to notice differences in people — racial, linguistic. Once they were passing by a mosque, she saw men praying. She was 3-4 years old. The daughter asked: “Mom, why don’t they look like us? I don’t understand why they speak another language. And why did they come to Moscow?” I’m trying to explain that here they may study better, earn more. I remind you how we went to France, there are a lot of dark-skinned people, to Italy, they also speak other languages there. That is, children begin to worry about the topic of differences quite early, ”recalls the psychologist.
The question is how to explain and what exactly?
Own stereotypes
It is useless to tell children about how to behave “rightly” and how to treat others “rightly”.
“It can be said many times that hitting other children in kindergarten or taking away toys is not good. But if we ourselves behave somehow similarly, even if we do not take away toys from others, then our words will only confuse the child, create a feeling of double standards in him. We educate by our own example, and the child will see what he needs, — Evgenia Dyachenko shares. — In the post-Soviet space, since our childhood, there have been many jokes demonstrating an intolerant attitude. We retell them without a second thought. But you need to understand that the child hears everything. Therefore, it is very important to work with your stereotypes so as not to pass them on to children.”
It is impossible to teach a child respect if the family does not respect each other. And vice versa: if children see that conflicts are resolved at home by negotiations, then they adopt this model and carry it further in life. The family forms the attitude to the world.
“I am a Jungian analyst, in my paradigm each of us is an “I” — a person. And in the Shadow there are many repressed traumas, our particles, with which we are not familiar. And often we don’t even realize it. If someone admires or irritates us, then it is in ourselves, ”says the psychologist.
How does it arise in us and how does it go into the Shadow?
“It often happens like this: a child is not allowed to cry: “Hush, hush, don’t whine.” Or stick a pacifier, literally gagging. As a result, the unlived is pushed inward and becomes more rigid, rigid,” says Evgenia Dyachenko. “Let the child show emotions and accept it as it is — with different feelings.”
But how can tolerance not be turned into permissiveness? And is there a limit to tolerance?
“Tolerance, it is tolerance, for the peculiarities of people, for some differences does not mean at all that we should tolerate bad behavior,” explains Evgenia Dyachenko. — They often confuse: if a person differs in appearance, mentality, culture, worldview, then everything is allowed to him. It is necessary to distinguish: «We accept you, but we do not accept your behavior.»
It is clear that a child needs rules and boundaries, otherwise, having become an adult, he will not be able to pull himself together, he will not learn to “slow down” himself. But I’m talking about the extreme manifestations of limitations, when any attempts to express themselves — singing, creativity, fantasies — run into harsh criticism on the rise. Learning to respect and accept the differences of the child and your own, without clamping it in a vise, is a sure step towards tolerance.