Charity is trendy. Adults consciously spend time and money helping those in need. But can children understand why give up personal good for the sake of others? And should parents force their child to participate in charity? The systemic family therapist Maria Samura answers the difficult questions of our reader.
My son is 8 years old. He was invited to a birthday party for a classmate. The girl’s parents suggested to all those invited not to give gifts to their daughter – she already has everything. And it is better to bring things or money instead of a gift to donate to an orphanage.
It seems to me that this situation is incorrect. First, I don’t think it’s the girl’s decision. Secondly, how can I explain to my son why he cannot give a gift to her, but should give to other children?
In my opinion, there are a lot of questions here, and the situation is generally wrong. How should I react? Is it right for parents – even if with good intentions – to force a child to give up personal benefit for the sake of others? Is this suppression of the will? What will happen to this girl next?
Elena, 34 years old
Psychologist Maria Samura:
Is it possible to force a child to give up personal benefit for the sake of others?
Unfortunately, the letter does not say anything about what kind of family this is, how seriously the girl’s parents are involved in charity work. Maybe they are rich patrons, or maybe they live very modestly, but still consider it necessary to make donations? Do they limit themselves to this or do they volunteer? The answer to your questions depends on this.
It seems to you that a child at that age cannot voluntarily refuse gifts in favor of children deprived of a family. But it’s not. If the parents are actively involved in charity, the child, out of a desire to join them, may well take such an initiative.
In Western countries, where the culture of charity is incomparably more developed, there are many such examples.
You can remember the 9-year-old Rachel Backvis, who dreamed of raising $ 300 to build wells for Africans suffering from a lack of drinking water. According to her calculations, this amount would help save the lives of 15 people. She opened a charity page on the Internet and managed to raise $220 in a short time. And then a tragedy happened – the girl died as a result of a car accident. In memory of her, Americans, and then people from all over the world, began to send donations to her page and eventually collected more than a million dollars.
It makes no sense to force or persuade a child to donate something to other children if the parents themselves are not included in this system.
Do you know the phrase – “Do not raise children, they will still be like you”? It makes no sense to force or persuade a child to donate something to other children if the parents themselves are not included in this system, if this idea is purely speculative for them. The child first of all reads not the words, but the emotions of the parents. Now, if they have worked as volunteers for at least a year, then you can talk with the child about this topic.
In the described situation, the offer to bring things and money for the orphanage is embarrassing. Mountains of gifts only prevent children from understanding how society works: you need to earn money for things, you need to take care of them. Any psychologist working with orphanages will say that your visit is much more valuable than any gifts.
How can I explain to my son why he cannot give a gift to a birthday girl, but should give to other children?
You write that you were offered not to give a gift to a girl – “it’s better to bring money or things instead of a gift” for an orphanage. Obviously, this is not a categorical requirement, not an ultimatum. But you argue as if you have no alternative. I think you should think about why you didn’t notice her.
Perhaps some of your internal conflict manifested itself here. In fact, there is a choice, and you can ask your son which option he prefers. Maybe he wants to give the girl something, and how she will deal with this gift is her business.
Gifts are always a story about relationships. And of course, in this case, about the relationship between a boy and a girl, and not between parents
I want to draw your attention to the fact that gifts are always a story about relationships. And of course, in this case, about the relationship between a boy and a girl, and not the parents of each of them. It’s best if he asks her, “What do you want?” But often the answer is “I don’t know.” Then he has the opportunity to think what he would like to give to this girl, how, in his opinion, she differs from other girls in the class.
Giving a gift, we show attention to the uniqueness of a person. Ask your son if he has any ideas on this matter, offer to think about it together, arrange a brainstorming session. An 8-year-old child is already capable of doing such spiritual work.
About expert
Maria Samura, psychologist, specialist in systemic family therapy, gestalt therapy, Ericksonian therapy and hypnosis, brief therapy, kinesiology.