Should an adult child give money to a family?

Parents are required by law to provide for minor children. But when a child starts to earn money on his own, should he invest in the family budget? A recent survey showed that approaches to this issue vary.

An unambiguous “must” was stated by 35% of the participants. 26% hold the opposite view and would not take money from children while they are studying. 39% believe that everything depends on the circumstances and the financial situation in the family. Of these, 13% are convinced that the child himself should decide this issue, and are ready to accept any of his choices.

“Must”

The survey involved people with an average income level. This means that the participation of a child in the family budget is not a matter of family survival, but rather a matter of principle, tradition or educational moment.

• “I think it should. Well, I mean, it’s his family. Of course, it is up to him to decide, but if, for example, a refrigerator is bought with his money, he will be able to be proud of himself.
• “I think it’s cool if a person 18+ gets the experience of contributing to a family. I would agree on some feasible regular responsibility. For example, if a child uses something himself, then he regularly pays for it. Internet, for example. Or some segment of products (for tea, coffee). This will not help the budget much, but it will give a person a sense of his strength, and get used to the fact that he will have to regularly invest in caring for loved ones – those with whom you are now.
• “Child 18+? It would be good for such a “child” to have an idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbresponsibility and chip in for common needs if he wants to live with his parents and enjoy common benefits. Or let him live separately, if he believes that he does not owe anything to anyone. If he does not yet have such an understanding, then parents need to be helped to form it, creating an objective need to share honestly earned money.
• “Even if you bring a loaf of bread bought with your own money, this is also a contribution.”

“Should not”

More than a quarter of respondents believe that while the child is studying, he can spend money on his personal needs. But many specify that after graduation, it’s time to look for a job and separate from your parents, rent your own apartment and manage your own budget.

• “No, this is his money while he lives with me and studies. As soon as he learns – work, a suitcase and an independent life.
• “Let it be better to invest in yourself and fly.”
• “I don’t know, but my parents forbade me to work while I was studying. They gave money. And now I keep them. In the middle there was a period when no one owed anything to anyone.”
• “I dug a lot into the issue with a psychologist and for myself I realized one thing: no one owes anything to anyone. You can give your child a choice: if you want, invest, and then we will invest (down payment on a mortgage or a car). If you don’t want to, it’s also your choice, be independent, and then we will decide according to the circumstances, but don’t make any demands.”
• “If dad and mom don’t need, then they shouldn’t. At worst, they can pay a communal apartment together. He buys a lot of food outside the house anyway.
• “If he is still studying, then all his part-time work. If you have already unlearned or dropped out of school and are fully working, it’s time to live separately.”
• “No, you don’t have to give money. But he must make every effort to live separately. Let him save up for rent.”

“Depends on…”

For many participants, the wealth of the family is of decisive importance in resolving this issue.

• “I worked as a student and tried to cover all my needs so as not to be a burden to my parents. And, by the way, the first repair in the apartment was at my expense. I don’t think sharing is necessary, but optional. But a normal teenager will always share honestly earned money with his parents. It’s a way to show your worth as a person.”
• “It seems to me that it strongly depends on the wealth of the family and the motivation of the child. For example, a child from a millionaire’s family goes to work to get a feel for life and understand how much a pound is worth. Well, what is the contribution to the family budget? Not even a millionaire. If the child’s contribution does not significantly change the family budget, then there is no need to pretend. Or another case. A middle-class family, the child earns for his entertainment, clothes, gadgets. Fine. He’s already very helpful. You can exempt him from contributing to the payment of utility bills and food. The third situation is a poor family. It is clear that this contribution is expected and it is rather the norm.”
• “I think that the attitude towards money should be formed by example, and from the age of 10-12 you should learn how to handle it, save it, appreciate it, and then by the age of 18 the child will naturally want to participate in the general budget.”
• “According to a Jewish saying, children should give money to their children, not to their parents. Work for work experience, not for income. But if every penny counts, then everyone is working.”
• “I would look at a part-time job positively by agreement with the child. Let him provide for his personal needs. Gains experience. I really like the American tradition, when teenagers work in the summer and often for free, to gain life experience in the field they plan to do. I really believe in stories when they grow from a newspaper peddler to the owner of a publishing house.
• “If it is possible not to spend a child’s money on life, then let work for him be a continuation of education. I myself worked on holidays from the age of 13, I earned more than my mother. He spent money on clothes, electronics, school supplies, and his sweets. It took almost the whole year. At 18, I was already making decent money and just once or twice a week I filled the refrigerator with food. And then somehow my childhood ended abruptly, and I began to live separately, got my own family.

If the process is delayed

Many parents are frustrated that adult children, after graduating from high school and getting a job, continue to take money from them.

“Children grow up as dependents. They grow up, but their light bulb does not turn on, that parents need help. My decently for 30, but do not help. Not because bad kids. They just don’t think about it.”

“I think it should. But most people only dream of such a thing.”

Often the situation is complicated by a mismatch between the positions of the two parents. “The youngest gets more than 80 thousand, I get half as much. Mom gives him money, as before, to pay for the apartment. My wife and I do not have a common position. I try to speak, but it doesn’t end well. Well, I won’t say more,” writes one of the survey participants. “It’s not annoying, although it’s clear that it’s so wrong.”

“A smooth transition from a parenting relationship to cooperation with your own child is the final stage of his upbringing,” comments Ekaterina Klochkova, family system consultant. “Therefore, it is important that the next step towards the child’s adulthood is as comfortable as possible for everyone.

A material contribution to the family budget is a new rule of interaction. When discussing it, you can rely on the already established household duties of the child and talk about their expansion, taking into account his capabilities.

Child-parent relationships are moving into a new quality – from patronizing and authoritative figures, the older generation is turning into wise advisers. This process can be supported by the parents’ own stories of how they took the first steps towards independence, and before that, their parents.

The opportunity to make a material contribution to the family budget is an important signal for parents and children that the child has already grown up, is becoming able to take full responsibility for his life and can build communication with parents as an adult. Unfortunately, in our culture, such a move may seem eccentric, but it has an important communicative aspect for both parties. Participating in the financial life of the family, your son or daughter seems to be saying: “I am no longer a child and I can pay part of my expenses myself.”

The careful attitude and care of parents during this period is manifested in the fact that they help to make the transition of the child to full responsibility for his life smooth and gradual. On the one hand, it is important to give the opportunity and time to adapt, to pay only part of the costs. On the other hand, in this way to demonstrate faith in his strength. Recognition that he is independent.