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She always follows us around. There is not a person on the whole earth who does not have this mysterious companion, powerful and invisible. Our double, our opponent, with whom each of us should … get to know each other better.
The shadow is all our feelings, desires, character traits that we refuse to accept in ourselves for fear of being rejected by people who are significant to us. And we simply cease to be aware of this unacceptable (in other words, we force it into the unconscious). The very concept of the Shadow was introduced by the founder of analytical psychology, Carl Gustav Jung.
How does she appear?
From a very young age, every child catches very sensitively and quickly learns to understand what his relatives, in the first place, his parents, expect from him. As Jungian analyst James Hollis explains, in the family, each of us receives and assimilates many hidden messages: “My laughter and fun games cause anxiety in my mother”, “My independent opinion offends my father”, “I must sacrifice my deepest feelings in order to feel yourself safe”1. We are afraid of losing the favor of loved ones, disappointing them, or arousing their anger. For us, this is vital, and we adapt to the requirements, expectations and stereotypes of our environment.
We become obedient because our elders condemn our self-will. We try to take care of others, because it is not good to be selfish and think about yourself. Parents do not like it when we get angry and insist on our own – and we learn to be accommodating. We are given to understand that the area of sexuality is something shameful, and we close it to ourselves. This list is endless, and each of us can add our own items to it.
Acquiring some qualities, we inevitably lose others. A boy should not be too tender, he should be strong – and his natural sensitivity is suppressed, he ceases not only to manifest it, but also to be aware of it. It is not good for a girl to be an ataman in a boyish company, her job is to cradle dolls – and her leadership qualities go into the Shadow.
This is how our “I” is formed and at the same time a vast expanse of dark “dungeons” arises, where for years everything that we have suppressed in ourselves, which we have abandoned, accumulates. In a sense, we are sitting on a volcano that could explode at any moment. This suppressed, but still alive and active psychic energy is called the Shadow.
5 steps to the bright side
Psychologist Jean Montburquette, in this example, describes the five steps you need to go through in order to reunite with your Shadow.
- Be aware of the projection on the other. Maxim, together with a friend, created his own company. That climber and often takes time off to indulge in his passion. And while in the office, every now and then he drinks coffee and chats with employees, tearing them away from business. Maxim is a workaholic, this idler infuriates him. But in fact, he projects his Shadow on him: he left his partner to satisfy his own need for rest.
- Adjust prejudice. By creating a projection, we put a mask on another and interact with it, and not with a real person. Although the mask does not always fit this character, and now and then threatens to fall off. Real human behavior does not always correspond to our view. So Maxim sometimes notes with surprise that for some reason the lazy partner manages to cope with a large amount of work.
- Stop looking for proof. Getting rid of our projection is not easy: even in moments of doubt, we are able to convince ourselves, contrary to the obvious, of the validity of our preconceived judgments. To test his suspicions, Sergei begins to closely monitor his partner, secretly wanting to catch him shirking his work. And sometimes he succeeds. Sergei triumphs: he was right!
- Look into the source of torment. Stubbornly maintaining his projection, a person at some point feels deprived, belittled in his very essence. He feels that he himself has lost those qualities that he projects onto another, and this causes chronic stress. Maxim, projecting his ability to relax and live a full life onto his companion, is already on the verge of collapse, the work exhausts him to the limit.
- Accept what has been rejected. Depression often pushes the projector to realize the pathological situation in which he finds himself. A psychotherapist can help him master projections, and through this, build real self-esteem and healthy relationships. Maxim will have to learn from his partner the ability to distribute forces and, more broadly, the understanding that life is more than just work. As a result, the quality of his life (including work) will improve significantly.
Her traps
At first glance, we cast into the Shadow the dark aspects of our personality, what we ourselves consider a flaw: aggression, envy, greed, jealousy, anger, and so on. And yet, Jung insists, it “consists not only of morally condemned inclinations; She has a number of good qualities.”2. Courage, confidence, creativity, cheerfulness can be hidden in the Shadow… “Good” or “bad” is everything that we deny in ourselves, do not want to recognize in ourselves.
The problem is that the Shadow never gives up, no matter what locks we close it with (that is, no matter how much we deny our hidden qualities). She makes herself known at every turn. The monsters and monsters of our nightmares are her guises. But many of our fears in reality are also generated by it.
What annoys us the most in others is what we do not accept and do not recognize in ourselves.
The shadow is the source of the deepest self-deception to which we are all subject: denying some qualities, feelings, inclinations in ourselves, we attribute them to others, we begin to give people characteristics that sometimes have nothing to do with reality at all. So our psyche protects itself from the realization that all this is in us. This trap is called projection.
To recognize the substitution, the Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky suggests using the following technique: remember and write down those features that irritate and admire us most in other people, but which, as it seems to us, are not in ourselves. The results we get are nothing but our projected Shadow: “What annoys us the most about others is what we don’t accept and acknowledge about ourselves. In the same way, we admire in others what we do not see in ourselves.”
It’s worth keeping an eye on yourself during the day: every now and then we are outraged by someone else’s rudeness, greed, indifference … But are we always impeccably polite, generous, ready to help someone? We admire someone else’s fearlessness, composure or purposefulness – but have we never shown courage, organization, did not achieve what we were striving for?
But the fact of the matter is that we do not notice how we fall into the trap of projection: this is an unconscious process that is not under our control.
Get to know your doppelgänger
How to get your Shadow back? Two exercises from Stanislav Raevsky.
Feel the features of the other. Write down three character traits that annoy you in other people, and three that you admire but don’t seem to possess yourself. Now remember the times when you yourself behaved in accordance with these qualities. For example, when you showed toughness, although you condemn it. Or when you behaved firmly, although you consider yourself insecure. Feel this quality in yourself, feel the energy that has appeared in you.
Play your antipode. Imagine the person you most admire (or, conversely, the most terrible person in the world). Now try to be him for a while, behave, speak, move like him. Feel the energy that is in this image.
Shadow Dance
It is especially sad when our loved ones – partners or children – become the object of projection. In fact, we shift the responsibility for what we do not accept in ourselves. This is why, notes James Hollis, “family quarrels are essentially an involuntary participation in the dance of the Shadow, where everyone plays a predictable role with a known partner and with a predictable outcome.”
The projection prevents us from seeing a real person in front of us – we see only the mask that we ourselves put on him.
Sometimes conflicts with others reach a truly dramatic intensity. As Jung wrote about this, “a person quite frankly spoils the life of himself and others, but for nothing in the world does not want to understand how much he himself is the culprit of the whole tragedy and how much he himself constantly feeds and supports it.” Here, in the Shadow, are the origins of our intolerance, both personal and collective, towards all others (non-Christians, foreigners, homosexuals, and others).
The Shadow hides the exact opposite of the person we think we are.
And most importantly, Stanislav Raevsky emphasizes, “we cannot truly love another person while we are projecting our Shadow (negative or positive) onto him. Our rigid self blocks our potential for joy, love, and connection with other people.”
Moreover, we also cannot love and respect ourselves if we ignore a part of ourselves and allow it to fight against our own interests.
Make her an ally
That is why it is so important for each of us to “meet” our double and recognize ourselves in it. “To be aware of one’s Shadow and learn to manage it is the fate of all people,” wrote Jung.3. This means realizing that everything that revolts (or admires) me in other people is also in me. In me, kind and peaceful, there is anger and aggressiveness. Or in me, weak and defenseless, there is strength and ability to defend my interests. “In other words, in the Shadow lies the complete opposite of the person we consider ourselves to be,” sums up Stanislav Raevsky.
It is very difficult to accept this, because it means reconsidering our idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbourselves. But the one who refuses this work risks even more. He is threatened with stress and depression, anxiety and dissatisfaction with himself, guilt. He will be subject to all sorts of obsessive states and runs the risk of being led by his impulses: jealousy, uncontrollable anger, anger, gluttony …
And having dared to meet the Shadow, we get huge bonuses. “When we begin to integrate our Shadow, we discover how much we are internally richer than we imagined before,” says Stanislav Raevsky. – How many different things we have that we used to attribute to other people and did not notice in ourselves. Suppressed qualities, character traits, complexes – this is a huge energy that was excommunicated from us, and now it is returning to us. Our attitude changes, new horizons open up, life becomes brighter. We gain the ability to love others and the whole world.”
At the same time, the Jungian analyst clarifies, accepting the dark sides of one’s personality does not mean indulging them. On the contrary, by recognizing them, we can control them, that is, not allow the Shadow to capture us.
“If a person in the second half of life has at least a small fraction of consciousness and a grain of moral strength, then criticism, if it should be present at all, should be attributed only to oneself,” James Hollis believes. And yet, the sooner a person begins to realize his Shadow, the better. “It is in our youth that we make a lot of mistakes because of ignorance of our Shadow and then regret it,” adds Stanislav Raevsky. By the way, parents should also remember about the Shadow in order to impose their vision of the world on children less, allowing their natural inclinations, interests and character traits to develop.
However, we will never be able to say goodbye to the Shadow forever. That is why Jung suggested that his clients come back to him in 10 years and analyze what has accumulated in their Shadow over the years. And this is what we need to understand and accept.
1 J. Hollis “Life as a journey” (Klass, 2009).
2 C. G. Jung “Aeon” (Academic Project, 2009).
3 К. Г. Jung “Synchrony” (AST, 2009).