Until now, these women hid their true feelings. But now the most daring dare to break the conspiracy of silence to talk about how they feel after the birth of a child.
Their confessions are shocking. It seems inconceivable that women should regret having children. But do not rush to bring down your righteous anger on them: they have the right to be heard.
“I hate, hate, hate the situation in which I found myself! I feel trapped, that’s the right word, says the 37-year-old mother. – When I had a child, I realized that it was unbearable – to be the mother of a baby. But it was already too late. I couldn’t escape, I would never forgive myself. But I can’t bear it either. It’s like I’m living in a prison.”
Journalist Sara Treliven wrote an article in which she collected anonymous confessions of women who regret having a child. Because of this, they say, their dreams collapsed, and life went downhill.
Here are a couple of amazing quotes:
“I am 30 years old and I have always dreamed of having a family. But I wish I had never had children. I realized that I was not fit to be a mother, and I am horrified by the thought of how hard it will be for me to force myself to cope with this.
“I often think that I could realize myself much more fully,” says the 38-year-old mother. “Perhaps I would have written a second or third book by now. I would go traveling in search of a suitable plot. I feel how much motherhood slows me down.
Motherhood can cause depression, disappointment and feelings of unfreedom
This kind of regret sounds blasphemous to many of us. In 2005, writer Islet Waldman stated in her essay on motherhood, “I have four children. But I don’t like them. I love my husband”. The essay was reprinted in The New York Times to a flurry of responses. The writer was invited to the Oprah Winfrey talk show, where a crowd of spectators took up arms against her. She later published the book “Bad Mother”1.
The case did not remain isolated, as the split in the ranks of mothers is becoming more and more noticeable. So, the American journalist Jessica Valenti wrote a candid book on this subject, Why Have Children?2 Made a splash and the book of the French writer Corinne Meyer “Without children. 40 good reasons not to start them “3. And in Germany, Sarah Fisher’s book “Regretting Motherhood. Why I would rather be a father4.
In 2015, Israeli sociologist Orna Donat published a study in which she presented interviews with 23 Israeli women who regret becoming mothers. Orna acknowledges that motherhood can change and liberate a woman, but it can also cause oppression, disappointment and a sense of lack of freedom.
“There has long been a stereotypical idea that motherhood is a difficult lot. The pressure of this stereotype may not be realized, but lead to the fact that women begin to regret having children. At the same time, in the philistine discourse, any regrets of this kind are condemned and cause mistrust,” she notes. “The same rejection can be found in feminist writings and in the writings of sociologists.”
Such experiences of motherhood remain unexplored, sums up Orna Donat. Indeed, there are very few such studies. The same Sara Treliven refers to a survey conducted in Germany of 1200 parents, 8% of whom, as it turned out, regretted that they had children.
A Danish study of 187 couples over the five years following their marriage found that both mothers and fathers experienced a significant decline in self-esteem with children.
Even in American culture, traditionally pro-fertility, there are shifts in this regard. There are more and more studies of married couples who have chosen the “childfree” option for themselves, that is, marriage without children.
For example, in a qualitative study conducted in 2016, participants were asked to answer open-ended questions. Most often, they said that the decision not to have children was conscious.
Women explained it mainly by the unwillingness to rebuild marital relations or the unwillingness to bring the child into “this crazy world.” The men mostly talked about wanting to focus on projects that were important to them, or about wanting to have more freedom.
It is important that the decision to have children or not be conscious
Women’s dissatisfaction with motherhood is also associated with gender inequality. “It is taken for granted that a mother should be attentive, involved, caring, and no one praises her for this,” writes Sarah Treliven. But we look at a caring and attentive father as some kind of superstar. Social expectations that require a woman to be perfect in family life only increase her existential anxiety.
Of course, it is important that the decision to have children or not (as well as to follow or not follow a gender role) is a conscious one. Sometimes those who choose the childfree life refer to their own goals that they would have to sacrifice if they had children. However, in fact, it cannot be argued that these things are incompatible.
Think of Shirley Jackson, the mother of four, who became a classic of American literature, or Jane Jacobs, one of the main theorists of urbanism, who had three children.
Ultimately, each of us makes our own choice. Someone obeys social regulations, even against their own will. Someone finds support in himself. Actually, positive psychologists, existentialist philosophers and poets call us to this. As Rainer-Maria Rilke tells us, the answer to all questions about fate is “in you, O former child, in you.”
1 А. Waldman «Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace»
2 J. Valenti «Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness»
3 C. Maier «No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children»
4 S. Fischer «The motherly happiness lie: Regretting Motherhood – Why I would rather have been a father»