A question mark should have been placed at the end of this statement. And even better – remember once and for all: we cannot know and even guess what is happening in others in the soul or in the head. Explanations of psychotherapy classic Virginia Satir.
“Many people assume that others know everything about them. This is a very common misconception. Others try to speak in hints and answer in monosyllables. Remember that old story about the reporter who was doing a story about a very respectable nursing home? The director proudly led him along the corridors, and suddenly the reporter heard someone say “Number 35” in the next room. Then there was a loud laugh. The same thing continued in other rooms. But in one of the rooms, someone called out, “Number 11,” and there was no sound in response. The reporter asked what was going on, and the director explained: these old people have been living together for so long that they know by heart all the jokes that they once exchanged. And in order not to waste extra energy, they numbered all the jokes and now they just call the numbers instead of telling them again. “That I understand,” the reporter said, “why didn’t anyone laugh at number 11?” To this, the director replied: “It’s just that this poor fellow doesn’t know how to tell jokes at all.”
The communication trap is hidden in the assumption that it doesn’t really matter what words are spoken, everyone understands everything anyway. This assumption allows for the prediction of another person’s thoughts.
I remember one young man whose mother asked me to warn her every time he was about to leave. He, in turn, tried to convince her that he had already done it. In proof, he said: “You saw me ironing trousers, and you know that I never iron trousers unless I am going somewhere.”
One of the most common family complaints that clients come to me with is, “I don’t know how he feels.” Ignorance breeds a feeling of rejection. This leads to tension in relationships, especially family ones. People tell me they feel like they’re on a desert island when they try to make some kind of connection with a family member who doesn’t express their feelings in any way.
Oddly enough, it is those who are complained about who often experience very strong feelings. They don’t even know they don’t show up. They seem to be as open to other people as they are to themselves. They reason something like this: “She knows me. So she knows how I feel.”
Virginia Satyr
“Communication in Psychotherapy”
What are the rules for families? How is communication built in a couple or between parents and children? How to stop fawning, blaming, calculating and eliminating in order to finally master a balanced, trusting, open communication? The answers that the psychotherapist Virginia Satir gives us, everyone can get for themselves.
I can offer a small experiment that helps people better understand this difficult situation. I invite two partners to discuss something and record their conversation on a video camera. Then I show them this tape and ask them to react in some way to what they see, as well as compare their current reactions with those that they had during the conversation. Looking at the recording, many are surprised, because they see things on the tape that they did not even imagine during the conversation. I remember an absurd story that happened in one family when a father sent his son to the pantry for a board.
The boy was obedient. He wanted to please his father, and besides, he thought he knew what his father wanted from him. He conscientiously went to the pantry and returned with a board that was significantly shorter than necessary. The father became terribly angry and accused his son of stupidity and distraction.
The father knew how long the plank was for him, but it didn’t even occur to him that his son didn’t know. He never thought about it and did not understand what was at stake until we discussed the whole situation. Only then did he realize that he had not told his son how long the board should be.
And here is another example. On a Friday at 17.30:XNUMX p.m., a sixteen-year-old son asked his father, “Dad, what are you doing tonight?”
Ted, the father, replied, “Take it.”
Tom, the son, said, “I don’t need it now.”
Ted said irritably, “Why did you ask me?”
Tom got angry: “What’s the matter?”
What is this conversation about? Tom wanted to ask if his father would come to cheer for him tonight when he played basketball. Tom didn’t ask his father directly because he was afraid he would refuse. So Tom spoke in hints.
Ted realized that Tom was hinting at something, but he thought it was about whether he could use the car. Tom decided that his father just wanted to get rid of him. Then Ted got angry at his son for his ingratitude. In short, the conversation ended with both father and son becoming furious. It seems to me that such misunderstandings happen too often between people.
The correctness of the pictures that arise before the inner eye of a person about what he saw or heard can be verified using the language of description, but not ratings. Many people try to describe their condition, but they do it poorly, because they abuse the assessments. For example, my “camera” reflects a dirty spot on the face of the interlocutor. If I use a description, I say, “Your face is dirty.” If I’m using grades, I’ll put it another way: “Your face is unkempt” and that will make you want to defend yourself. While in response to the first phrase, we can feel only slight discomfort.
If we avoid judgment and limit ourselves to describing various feelings, we are at least offended openly, directly. We may not like what we hear, but we will understand each other.
Try the exercise. Tell your partner three truths about him and three truths about yourself. Remember that these truths are only valid for the moment. Perhaps in the future they will become incorrect. To focus on your own feelings, start each of your remarks with the words: “It seems to me that now you can say about you that you …” If this statement of yours contains a negative connotation, find the right words. In my opinion, no relationship can be truly satisfying until all its facets and aspects are openly and honestly discussed.
There are many people who never express their affection for others in words. When they talk only about what they do not like, without emphasizing what causes satisfaction and recognition, tension and mutual hostility arise in the relationship.
Do the above exercise at least once a week. Among other things, it introduces very important ideas about communication into relationships. When you share your inner feelings with another person, you achieve two important goals: to really get to know him, and moving from misunderstanding to closeness, bring into your relationship an element of trust that we all constantly need.
If communication between partners is ambiguous, each of them begins to feel insecure and tries to protect himself from the other. They begin to look for support and understanding somewhere on the side: at work, in relationships with children, with another sexual partner. When a colorless, lifeless relationship is established between a husband and wife, they become sad and bored with each other.. Boredom leads to indifference, which is perhaps one of the most unpleasant human feelings and certainly one of the most common reasons for divorce. I am convinced that any strong feelings, even feelings of danger, are better than boredom.
For more details, see V. Satir “Communication in Psychotherapy” (Institute for General Humanitarian Studies, 2008).