“She gave birth to a child to her dying husband. Now I hate both “

I was 24. I just found a good job, otherwise after graduation I couldn’t get a job in my specialty. It already seemed that I would be an eternal administrator in a beauty salon or a waitress.

I was going to a new job like on a holiday: discreet makeup, a suit to the figure – it looked very impressive. Therefore, Sergei drew attention to me. Maybe. He had such eyes, very sad, deep. I then did not attach importance to this sadness, it was only later that I learned that he had a fatal diagnosis.

Relationship with Sergei developed very rapidly. A week later, he introduced me to his parents. And after two – made an offer. I was perplexed: well, where is the hurry? The secret was revealed by his mother.

“Seryozha is very ill. He has cancer. Doctors say that if the year survives, that’s good, ”my future mother-in-law stunned me. – Lelya, you love him, marry him, give him a baby, let him at least the last days be happy.

I didn’t sleep for several nights, sat lost at work. On the one hand, I was not ready to become a mother now, on the other, I really loved Sergei, and after such news I also regretted it.

“We will fight, he will see his child, he will be able to kiss him, suddenly it will give him the strength to cope with the disease,” I thought. At that moment I did not think about how I would start raising one child, whether I could be a good mother for him, whether I would love him. I wanted to make my man happy.

By agreement with the registry office and a doctor’s note, we were assigned a week later. There was no celebration, which is natural, I didn’t even buy a new dress, I came in what I wear to work.

We had sex only to conceive a child. I lived with a thermometer, temperature charts, ovulation stimulating pills. On the third cycle, everything worked out, the test showed two strips even before the delay. I just went to work and felt that today I would find out that I was pregnant. I went to the pharmacy on the way, bought the cheapest pregnancy test and printed it out in the toilet of the mall. But somehow it all went wrong. There was no particular joy in me, and the ardor to save my beloved began to gradually fade away.

Sergei constantly began to say that time was running out, that he was dying, that he was scared. For fear, he found a “cure” – alcohol. Began acting rude. When I found out that we would have a baby, I calmed down for a while, and then again took up the bottle. But miraculously, his illness began to recede! Either the treatment helped, or the case was not as serious as the doctor drew. Meanwhile, Timur was born.

It’s terrible, but I gave birth and thought it was in vain.

Here I have a son, and Sergei is not even going to die, and this baby is a farewell gift to his beloved.

Tim seemed to understand that he was not the most desirable person for me, tried not to bother me with shouts and whims. And Sergei drank for any reason. First for becoming a father, then for living, and then simply because today is Monday / Tuesday / good weather. I was twitching, with a child in my arms, and asked him not to drink, because from the money only my maternity ones, which were enough only for everything you need. My husband came from another party, yelling that I was a terrible, filthy fool, that no one else needed except him, that he paid attention to me only because such a fool could give birth from an almost unfamiliar man. The last straw came when he beat me: problems with the coccyx, a broken collarbone. I didn’t forgive him for that, I left and took the child.

Sergei did not pay alimony, he referred to the fact that he did not work. From property – nothing, the bailiffs on debts even had nothing to describe. Perhaps a collection of empty bottles and clothes worn down to holes. His parents, or rather his mother, helped, because she persuaded me to take such a step as having a child. I could leave Timur with her for at least a month, I always knew that he was fed, watered, slept on time, and studied. But the prodigal son returned to his father-in-law, he was kicked out of the rented apartment, I can’t even imagine how he paid for it. Timur had to be taken away. The mother-in-law no longer had the opportunity to sit with him even during the day, she was busy with her son.

And I seriously began to think about whether to send my son to a boarding school. It’s terrible, I couldn’t discuss it with anyone, but my child is a stranger to me. I see him as his father and my mistake. Do not think, I do everything for him, but this is all purely mechanical, because I have to, I am a mother, I am ashamed. There is no love. My heart does not ache when he is sick, when he cries, when he got a deuce or got into a fight with a neighbor in the house. I give the medicine, I ask you to calm down, I don’t care what marks he brings. Now I only dream that I will arrange him in the Suvorov Military School and will only see him on holidays and sometimes on weekends.

The son will grow up and will not forgive me for such an attitude. And I’m ready for this. We do not have a relationship like a mother and a child. This is some kind of partnership, where he does not interfere with my life, and I do not interfere with him from doing whatever he wants.

I never had a man after Sergei. They met, even offered to marry, promised to love my son as their own. It’s funny, I wish I could learn to love Timur as my own. I couldn’t overpower myself, I don’t trust anyone else. Now for me there is only work. And the dream of Suvorov, when I finally become free.