Why does a teenager not seek to spend a holiday in the company of loved ones? Child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova helps parents understand their children better.
Spending New Year’s Eve in the family circle is a wonderful tradition, but the parents of an older teenager may be alarmed by his stubborn unwillingness to break this tradition. Why is the son, such an adult, not eager to visit, and the daughter is not in a hurry to a party or with friends in the park?
They are looking for their circle. “At 11-13 years old, it is important for teenagers to simply belong to some company, to spend time with peers, regardless of whether their interests coincide,” explains Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – But by the age of 16, the contour of one’s own autonomous “I” is more and more outlined, and the closeness of views on the world, on one’s mission becomes the basis, the criterion by which a friend and a company are chosen. And to the quality of communication, and to friends, older teenagers put forward high, even maximalist demands. Perhaps your daughter or son simply has not yet found “their” circle, but is no longer ready to spend time in a company that is not close in spirit, to communicate with those who are incomprehensible or uninteresting.
It is difficult for them to decide on a change of roles. The holiday, and especially the New Year with its aura of the turn of life, with the expectation of miracles and magic, is a special event. It requires a change of roles, an exit from stereotyped connections, a breakthrough in emotions. A cozy home environment with a familiar system of relationships does not meet the need to master new images and embody “different selves”. So the desire of a teenager to stay at home may indicate his unwillingness to behave unusually. An excellent student may refuse to go to a club because at this “stupid” event she is afraid to appear clumsy in dancing and cede leadership status to another girl. And the young musician is sure that he will not fit into the intellectual company of his brother, the future programmer. The fear of losing face, stepping out of your comfort zone and opening up to something new can lead to loneliness, not only during the holidays.
They want us to support their experiments. “Holidays and vacations spent by a growing child alone are not a cause for serious concern,” Galiya Nigmetzhanova is sure. – But if the solitude drags on, if even earlier, at the age of 10-15, he did not have a friend or friends, take the situation more carefully. First of all, think about whether you assign a certain role to the child too rigidly (a diligent student, a successful athlete, a caring brother, a home girl …)? Do you limit him in developing new relationships (forbidding him to go camping with a class or stay overnight with a friend)? Are they too strict in their assessments of his appearance and his attempts to experiment with hair, clothes and his own style? To what extent are you ready to accept this search by the child of his “I” and maintain a dialogue with him at the moment of his most unexpected experiments? His ability to present himself to peers, without devaluing any environment, largely depends on this.