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Any couple, regardless of age and level of well-being, has a range of tasks that need to be addressed. It is necessary to buy food, cook, put things in order, organize social life, take care of elderly relatives. Traditionally, the lion’s share of duties fell on the shoulders of a woman: she did not work and took care of the house. And how to divide these tasks now, when everyone is working?
Problems with the division of domestic labor do not arise immediately. When you are just starting to live under the same roof, living together does not cause much trouble. You either neglect household chores (after all, there are more interesting things to do), or you do them easily and effortlessly. But time passes, the unfinished accumulates, and, as a rule, one person (in most cases a woman) gets to work. Then, for example, children appear, and the situation becomes more complicated.
Consider a married couple, Mark and Anna. The spouses have a child who needs to be looked after – to feed, bathe, take to the doctor, buy clothes and toys, and engage in development. All this does not cancel the affairs of the house.
While Anna is sitting at home on maternity leave (most mothers smile bitterly when they hear the word “sitting”), she takes all these responsibilities on herself. But now the baby is growing up, and she decides to return to work. If you continue to drag life on yourself, while simultaneously pursuing a career, the relationship will crack early: accumulated fatigue and irritation will break out.
How to avoid it? The logical answer is to divide the responsibilities 50/50. Not too realistic? Perhaps we should not strive for absolute equality, the main thing is to discuss everything among ourselves and come to a consensus.
Step 1: Make a list of all the things you need to do
Studies show that both men and women overestimate the amount of work that falls on their shoulders. Women are sure that they get the “lion’s share” of duties, and men – that they perform about half of the tasks.
In fact, in the UK, on average, a man spends 16 hours a week on household chores, and a woman 26 hours a week. Not 50/50, but definitely not 90/10. The problem is that in most cases we are simply not in the know about what the partner is doing, and vice versa. Just because you water your plants every day, help your kids pack their briefcase, prepare their gym clothes, and clean the litter box, doesn’t mean your spouse is aware of it.
Rather, on the contrary: those household chores that we do not do simply do not exist for us. Because of this, we are so offended: it seems to us that our work is not appreciated. To avoid this trap, first of all, sit down with a partner and make the most complete list of things to do around the house.
Step 2: Stop Doing Things You Can Do Without
Now that the list is in front of both of you, consult and decide if there is anything that you can not do at all. Often we perform certain duties simply because it is customary, or because it was done in our parental family.
If your mom always ironed the sheets, and you and your partner are comfortable sleeping on wrinkled sheets, feel free to cross this item off the list.
Step 3: Ask yourself what you would like to do
Partly it’s all about the attitude: we are used to seeing household duties as a heavy burden, a duty, a sacrifice that has to be made. But is it always like this? Perhaps there is something you enjoy doing? Before deciding what responsibilities to share with your partner, decide what you want to keep for yourself. For example, caring for plants or animals, cooking or reading to children before bed.
Or maybe you genuinely enjoy ironing—there are those who find it meditative, pair it with watching their favorite TV show, listen to podcasts, or enjoy seeing a concrete result.
Now that each of you has chosen what you like…
Step 4: Ask yourself if something can be delegated to an employee
Of course, the fact that both work in the family does not mean that there are no problems with money. And yet, it is often possible to set aside a certain amount for someone else to perform unpleasant tasks that take up a lot of time.
An au pair, a babysitter, a cleaning company, ordering groceries for home delivery will help you focus on what’s important to you.
So go through the list, highlight the tasks that none of you like to do, and consider whether it is financially possible to delegate them. The range of these tasks can be reviewed and supplemented according to the situation, for example, at the end of the year, when both are sitting on the final reports and there is no time to work at home.
What to do with the rest?
Now that you’ve sorted out the things you love, ditched unnecessary tasks, and delegated unpleasant responsibilities, it’s time to sort out the rest of the items on your list. There is no single solution here, we will have to negotiate.
Some will share the responsibilities equally, in the other pair, the one whose career seems more promising will be “released” from some of the cases. Another option is to perform each duty in turn, such as having a weekly “watch”. Whichever option you choose, the main thing is to comply with the agreements. Problems arise more often because of their violation than because of an unequal distribution of cases.