Shame: the feeling that turns a person into a centaur

Strong shame is experienced very difficult and painful. Therefore, even to notice it, it takes a lot of courage. Sometimes courage. And more often, both. Every time a client is embarrassed and stays by my side, looks into my eyes, talks about their shame, I have a feeling of respect and almost pride.

Of course, it is much easier to slip through shame, not to notice it, to replace it with something else. For example, fear or anger. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Then how do you know it?

Often shame is hidden behind different strong desires that appear at the same time. They make a centaur out of a man – either a horse or a man. You don’t understand who you are, who your “flock” is, where your place is and whether to trust your body.

Here are the frequent pairs of desires that I encounter in my practice.

I want to be invisible and I want to be noticed

Svetlana works as an administrator. She says she doesn’t like too much attention. But something strange has been happening to her lately. She became terribly absent-minded, now she puts on her blouse inside out, then she salts the client’s coffee, then she mixes up the documents.

Colleagues and clients are already kindly teasing her. And she burns with shame. Every evening he thinks about quitting. And in the morning he eagerly runs to work.

When Svetlana admitted to herself that she both wanted attention and was afraid of it, it became easier for her to reveal her shame. And she wanted to find new, more direct ways to strike up relationships, maintain dialogue and feel visible and noticeable.

I want to be myself and be “perfect”

Denis was the best employee of the month for six months. The sweetest and most painful thing for him is the recognition of management and colleagues. He tries his best to get praise. And as soon as he hears gratitude from management or admiration from colleagues, he feels fear and hurries to tell that it’s not about him at all, that he was lucky. And not the fact that next month will be the same.

Denis realized that shame prevents him from accepting his successes. Soak up praise and approval. Error and try. Working with shame led to the parental message “it’s a shame to boast, you need to be more modest.” Denis decided to abandon this message in order to learn to appreciate himself and his achievements.

I want to be with everyone and I want to be alone

Christina often goes to meet friends. It is good for her when she manages to remain invisible, just to observe and listen to others. But she gets annoyed when someone starts teasing her or asking about her. She does not know how to answer in a way that does not offend or brecze some kind of stupidity. Every time you have to carefully weigh every word, and it’s terribly exhausting. But when she refuses to meet, she feels very lonely.

Cristina found that behind her shame about talking about herself was a strong fear of rejection. She is afraid that she will be driven away and they will not want to communicate with her anymore. It turned out that Christina’s mother often made fun of her and did not talk to her. After working through past experiences, Christina managed to start communicating and having fun with everyone in a narrow circle of her close friends.

Working with shame is one of the most difficult and important. The difficulty is that confessing your desires can also be ashamed. Therefore, it will be possible to cope with shame, recognize and live it only if there is support. From within – its own, sincere and accepting. And outside – from the other, careful and suitable for you.