Shame is one of the most “poisonous”, toxic human emotions associated with relationships with other people. I will try to reflect on the topic of shame, and I will designate it as a feeling that accompanies the realization of one’s basic defectiveness.
When I think about shame, bodily sensations come first. Shame is associated with a powerful physical reaction: the face-ears-neck-hands turn red, sweat comes out, the legs weaken, in the chest there is a feeling of failure, into which you gasp with your whole being. The eyes are lowered, it is incredibly difficult to raise them and see the reaction of the other person — you are completely and absolutely sure that it is negative … No, it is too weak — “negative» … On the face of the other you expect to see a grimace of disgust-condemnation-contempt — and, of course , you don’t want to see her, that’s why you look at the floor — it’s calmer that way. But it doesn’t help much, because shame is closely connected with the feeling that you are completely, completely and through, visible. This is total transparency for the gaze of another person, and — which is beyond doubt in a moment of shame — the gaze finds only insignificant things that you would never show to another, but you cannot hide — you are transparent! Shame is closely intertwined with the feeling of being naked in front of an unfriendly gaze. When we are naked (bodily or mentally) in front of the gaze of our loved ones, then we experience excitement, an upsurge of energy, its movement. In shame — a complete stop, fading, freezing and shrinking.
Shame is always in front of someone. When one on one, alone with myself, I am not ashamed, no matter what I do. But if someone else appears — real or in the imagination, then naturalness disappears, you immediately begin to guard yourself, correlate your behavior with the possible reactions of another person. Shame is not a natural state for a person as a biological organism, it is always formed in the process of a person entering society. Therefore, in different cultures, people are ashamed of different things. Where a Russian man undresses to the waist, a Japanese will be ashamed — this is indecent. Somewhere it’s indecent to blow your nose on the street, somewhere — to burp at the table … Adults explain to children what they need to be ashamed of, that is, what they should not do in any case, because this will tell others how dirty and dirty they are. bad.
Shame, like any feeling, has no clear boundaries, it flows into other states and has different degrees of severity. From awkwardness through embarrassment and embarrassment, it can intensify into actual shame, up to shame — total, all-consuming horror before the fact that many people saw your «ugly» essence. It is not for nothing that in the Slavic languages “shame” is attention, a spectacle … “Awkwardness” is a feeling of some inappropriateness of what is happening; embarrassment — shame directed to the future (something may happen that will cause shame). Stiffness is next to embarrassment, just in the second there is more energy and excitement, while in the first it is less, and more inhibition, stiffness.
The opposite of shame is pride — a sense of self-worth. I am proud of myself when I feel that I have done something valuable, significant. I am proud of children when they do what I consider meaningful. Pride is close to respect, just as shame is closely intertwined with contempt. The Greek «pride» (hybris) has such an additional meaning as «daring to go beyond the limits that fate has determined.» Then shame — as the opposite pole — is an attempt to shrink into itself, to disappear, to curl up into a black hole, like a star that falls into itself.
The positive meaning of shame lies in the fact that it makes the rapprochement of people gradual, gives us caution in revealing ourselves to another person. It is dangerous if you are not a psychopath, and if the reactions of others are important to you, being open-hearted with everyone can hit us at this vulnerable moment. Fear of shame — as the experience of one’s own «nakedness» in front of another — allows you to take your time, closes the soul. At the same time, the knowledge of shame exacerbates intimacy in relationships — when you can be shameless with a specific person, because it’s not scary, because you are accepted completely, in all your naturalness. Intimacy then becomes intoxicating, in it there is freedom from the fear of shame … Shame can also signal us that we are lying to ourselves somewhere, behaving insincerely and hypocritically.
The negative aspect of shame is that it can completely destroy the possibility of contact. A person experiencing shame is tightly cut off from other people. In shame, no movement, no action directed towards other people is possible. Only one thing — away from people. «Social phobia» can sometimes be associated with this «toxic» side of shame — it’s impossible to make eye contact, it’s terrible to be in the focus of someone’s attention, because you know — you are flawed. You are nothing. It would be better if you didn’t exist.
The boundary between natural and toxic shame lies, in my opinion, at the point of transition from private shame for specific actions/words to total shame of one’s own insignificance. In toxic shame, there is no ability to localize it in a specific situation, when it is shameful — the whole personality is subjected to obstruction. I am ashamed not for something, but for myself, because you are so insignificant … The second point of transition from natural to toxic shame is its insatiability. Toxic shame does not stop, it is actually a black hole that sucks in and destroys any support, any sense of self-worth. Comfort and support will never be enough… Toxic shame is a failure in life, complete and universal.
It’s embarrassing to take money. It’s a shame not to be grateful enough. It’s embarrassing to be physically handicapped. It’s a shame to reveal one’s ignorance in front of a significant relative for whom it is important… It’s a shame not to live up to the hopes of a mother or father… It’s a shame to be a traitor to one’s family/clan/friends… It’s a shame to be “stupid”… To be a “bad client”… A “user” who doesn’t understand anything is nearby with an advanced «computer» who will invariably roll his eyes — they say, who am I dealing with here at all ?!
There are millions of specific reasons for shame. All these reasons are united by the gap between how something should be in the eyes of other people, and how it actually is. You can be ashamed not only of yourself or your actions, but also of someone else. They are ashamed of parents who are alcoholics or drug addicted children … They are ashamed of mentally ill relatives or children with mental retardation … I caught myself thinking that I was painfully ashamed of my country when I heard the bewildered stories of foreigners about what they faced with us. At that moment, I seemed to be responsible for the whole country, for the behavior of officials, all sorts of gopniks, thieving businessmen, and so on, according to the list. Exposed, naked in its ugliness, the country made me feel ashamed — until I asked myself the question: “why am I merging with all these officials, etc.? As if it was my negative traits that became apparent?” I ceased to be ashamed of these stories — but also broke my merger with the country …
Where does total, toxic shame come from? It seems to me that he is a reflection of himself imprinted in the psyche in the eyes of other, significant people. By the reactions of others, the child guesses who he is and what he is. As in a game, when a name or role is attached to the forehead, and a person must guess who he is by the behavior of others. And if a child sees condemnation, contempt, hostility or even disgust on the faces of adults, he receives quite definite signals about how insignificant and disgusting he is. And he believes… He believes so strongly that later he will not believe others, but the later reactions of other people who say that he is good. So much so that the suggestion of a psychologist to tell only in the imagination of his relatives that they were mistaken causes horror and guilt (guilt is a frequent companion of shame). After all, how can such a nonentity object to those whose point of view he perceived as true?
The fight against shame, in my opinion, is most often carried out in three ways:
A) Narcissistic path (flight to the opposite pole, pride, reaching pride — thoughts about one’s own exclusivity).
B) The masochistic way (self-flagellation, downplaying merit, self-accusation). If you shame and criticize yourself, then other people have less reason to somehow shame and blame you.
C) The sadistic (projective) path — if you are ashamed of something in yourself, then you not only deny it, but you begin to desperately struggle with the object of shame in the outside world.
But these are not ways to overcome shame, but rather attempts to drown it out, to make it bearable, not so intense. If shame is born through a reflection in others, then with the help of the same reflection you can get out of it. But it seems to me that it is impossible to get out of total, toxic shame completely on your own — after all, it just blocks the possibility of contact, stimulates flight and the inability to raise your eyes and see the face of another person, in which, perhaps, acceptance and respect. And if you raise your eyes, then the inner translator interprets everything through the prism of shame… It is impossible to experience shame and be in contact with another person… Therefore, total shame is dealt with only in a situation where trusting relationships are formed — in individual or group psychotherapy. Then it becomes possible to talk about what causes shame … “There are things that you should never tell anyone about!” … As long as they exist, shame will not go anywhere, because the one who will never tell anything shameful about himself to anyone, so will never see other reactions of others, except for the one that caused shame … Never know that, for example, there is nothing shameful in being interested in one’s genitals, and that he / she was not the only person in the world who was subjected to sexual harassment by elders, and that this does not at all speak of their dirtiness and worthlessness … You tell others, and you are convinced that the world has not collapsed, and those who hear these seemingly terrible and monstrous stories about you or your life are in no hurry to turn away, sympathize, or share something very similar. And someone does not even understand at all, because of what there is to be killed here …
The path from toxic shame to pride lies through the recognition of the naturalness of what happened once (if the stuck in shame happened in the distant past), through the removal of guilt for what one is not guilty of, through the recognition of one’s own value as a person, regardless of whether what they did to you in the past, from the reactions of other people to you once upon a time … A very difficult path, constantly accompanied by a desire to stop or escape … Someone passes it, someone freezes, alas …