Shame is one of the most destructive and debilitating emotions there is. It can lead humans to adopt self-destructive behaviors that are harmful to health. But it can also cause the person to pull themselves together, to let go of their shame and to regain their self-esteem.

With a desire to disappear in the eyes of others, shame is triggered each time we find ourselves in default of social rules, that we do not feel sufficiently up to the standards of others and what our loved ones expect from us. It is a pervasive feeling of inferiority, a feeling of humiliation when we realize that others are witnesses to our inadequacies and that they become judges. There remains the feeling of being belittled under the gaze of others, the shame of what one is. Shame is a serious injury to self-esteem that tends to leave one alone in the face of moral suffering and withdrawal into oneself. If guilt can be present in shame, it must be distinguished from it. Indeed, while the guilt relates to a given act, to a specific behavior, shame implies a focus on the person. Guilt often leads to restorative behavior while shame is linked to anger attacks, self-stigma, and is correlated with psychopathology.

“Thus shame is shame of oneself in front of others” Jean-Paul Sartre (Being and nothingness)

While shame is a universal emotion, how it affects mental health and behavior is not straightforward. June Tangney of George Mason University has been studying shame for decades. Along with Ronda L. Dearing of the University of Houston, she is among the researchers who have discovered that the tendency to be ashamed can also increase the risk of other psychological problems. The link with depression is particularly strong. 

Considered a central emotion in personality disorder, it may also be linked to self-injurious behavior, chronic suicidality, and anger-hostility. This is the reason why it is essential to overcome this uncomfortable feeling that we feel in the pit of the stomach without the slightest refuge from the gaze of others.

Have an awareness

It is important to become aware of this shame and to free yourself from it, to move forward and to start by identifying the origins of the shame, to know its triggers. Looking for the emotions that accompany this shame is a good start to understanding it. Ask yourself questions and seek answers. 

Contact

Speech being resilient (Boris Cyrulnik), it is the first antidote to free oneself from shame. Speaking to a caring person, ready to hear, is to step out of the gray area in which you are a refugee. It can be a trusted person, a support group, an association or even a therapist who can guide you. 

Be kind to yourself

Finally, have compassion on yourself, study suggests that self-compassion improves mood, in large part by helping us avoid negative rumination. 

Test visualization and hypnosis techniques

Other techniques like visualization, hypnosis can help get rid of shame. Writing, for its part, will make it possible to transform the painful experience of shame by making it communicable, by giving it a public character, by giving it meaning.

It is said that self-esteem is the judgment or assessment that a person has of their own worth. Learning to love yourself, to forgive yourself, to be indulgent with yourself and others, to be your own friend, to respect yourself, to accept yourself even when imperfect, helps to move forward on the path of self-esteem. Techniques like self-hypnosis, personal development, can improve self-esteem. Just like reaching out to others. 

Studies have shown that people who help others or volunteer have higher self-esteem than others and this makes them happier.