Many of us want to please others, command respect and admiration. If this goal is achieved, how will success affect how we feel about ourselves? The social psychologist offers an unexpected point of view.
Psychologies: Does Social Recognition Help Boost Self-Esteem?
Alexey Roshchin, social psychologist: It is commonly believed that these things are interconnected, but this is not so. We know many cases when self-esteem does not change even with the advent of fame and universal adoration.
Could you give an example?
Let us turn to literature: the most famous is Little Tsakhes from Hoffmann’s fairy tale. He is ugly in both soul and body, but with the help of witchcraft he makes others see him as beautiful and talented. He is praised, but inside he remains an ugly dwarf and knows it.
Another example is Dr. Meizlik from Karel Capek’s story. He successfully solved the crime, but he does not experience an upsurge, but a growing horror, believing that all this is an accident and there are no guarantees that insight will descend upon him again.
So success breeds anxiety?
Not necessarily, but it happens often. This is called the impostor complex: when a brilliant scientist, artist, or even house painter refuses to acknowledge his merits, anxiously expecting that everyone will soon see the light.
It also happens the other way around: an unknown, unrecognized outcast has high self-esteem
One actor has been playing “The Meal Is Served” all his life and gets a penny for it, but at the same time he is absolutely happy. And the other is not. From his point of view, the life of the first is a reason to shoot himself, but such characters do not shoot themselves and live to a ripe old age.
That is, you can feel great in your life, although others consider it a failure. Perhaps this requires an inflated self-esteem?
Not at all! Let’s say, watching the inhabitants of the province, unknown and not rich, but at the same time pleased with themselves, calm and cheerful, a certain metropolitan resident is outraged by the inflated self-esteem they have. They must feel like a complete nonentity! But they live a full life and have just not overestimated, but adequate self-esteem.
Can low self-esteem be helpful?
For progress, of course. It would not exist without the illusion that high self-esteem can be achieved with social recognition. Low self-esteem is an unpleasant feeling. When you consider yourself inferior in some way and try to cure yourself.
Ask yourself, “Why am I like this? What should I do to fix this?»
Some, under the weight of this burden, sink to the depths of depression, and some set themselves the goal of achieving recognition, thinking that in this way they will rid themselves of complexes.
Thanks to the great psychologist Alfred Adler, we are familiar with the theory of overcompensation: when, in an attempt to compensate for their shortcomings, individuals with low self-esteem achieve heights. However, it still does not help to get rid of the itchy feeling of imperfection.
It turns out that if everyone has adequate self-esteem, then we will not see great discoveries?
While this is talked about very cautiously, but children with adequate self-esteem, who grow up in an atmosphere of love and acceptance, do not make breakthroughs. And one should not expect outstanding works or discoveries in science from them: they are already doing well. They don’t care about that itch when you have to prove something to someone. They just live. But they are unlikely to ever make up the majority.
Why? Now more and more parents are trying to love and support their children.
Because in addition to individual neuroses, there are also collective ones, and there is no getting away from them. American psychoanalyst Karen Horney introduced such a concept as existential neurosis, that is, neurosis not of an individual, but of the entire civilization.
From childhood, civilization inspires us with two aspirations that are opposite in essence. First, be the best. Second, be loved. «Be the best» — this is social recognition. Nobody could, but you could. However, it does not mean at all that everyone will love you for it. One desire contradicts another, which gives rise to an inescapable neurosis.
Why do we keep wanting success?
Because everyone fails, and in this case, even a small success is the best medicine. Sometimes a win at cards or a fleeting glance of admiration is therapeutic: it is enough to perk up and restore self-esteem. However, for those who have long been bogged down in self-dislike, even real fame cannot change anything.
It seems that time matters here: a recent failure is treated with success, and an old one is not.
Success does not help those who are stuck in the past. For example, you remember how your parents repeated: “you are awkward”, “you are stupid”, “no one will love you”.
Then you can become the most dexterous and smartest, but it will be difficult to change your beliefs
They will not be interrupted by any words of strangers, or even parents, whose opinion may change over the years: “you are wonderful”, “you are the smartest”, “we were wrong” …
But if you live in the past, then these words for you, the present, may mean nothing. They were needed then, a little boy or girl, and it is impossible to turn back time. This can only be corrected if you are ready to move into the present.
How can we escape from the past?
For example, due to strong experiences, including love ones. At the beginning of the series «Don’t Be Born Beautiful,» the main character believed that she was worthless, ugly and useless. And then a whirlwind of events swirled her, which ultimately led to a transformation. Full immersion in current events contributed to the fact that the heroine began to live here and now, and at the same time her self-esteem began to grow.
Another way to get involved in the present can be, for example, emigration
Many find themselves breaking out of the familiar, which includes depressive moods and thoughts of their own insignificance. Like the heroine of the series, they find themselves in what is called an existential situation — when they have to survive, completely immersing themselves in current problems: learn a language, get acquainted with a new environment, master a new specialty. All this can be so captivating that it helps to escape from the trap of the past.
What else can improve self-esteem?
Sexual relationships can save you from low self-esteem. Those who consider themselves stupid, ugly and awkward are saved by meeting a successful sexual partner. Suddenly we understand what strong emotions we can experience ourselves and what vivid sensations we can deliver to another. Such success can drown out previous installations.
Parents may taboo many topics, but they usually do not get to the topic of sex. They are able to point out that you are stupid or ugly, but they will never say that you are bad at sex. Thanks to this, we can no longer receive social, but sexual recognition. And often it turns out to be more useful than traditional psychotherapy.