Sexual ethics: how can we understand each other?

We are born with the ability to love. But in adulthood, many are met with a reproach: “You don’t know how to love!” “If you loved (a) me, everything would be different.” What does it say? Not that we love “badly”, but about how difficult it is to convey our feelings to a partner.

Broken communication

Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to express love. And the reason is to be found in childhood. Many grew up in incomplete families or in families where the parents were not happy. Few people are lucky enough to observe how people who love each other interact, and to adopt, to master this language of love.

At home and at school, we are taught social communication, they help us communicate according to the same rules, and as a result, we can somehow meet the expectations of others and find mutual understanding. But with sexuality, things are different. This topic is taboo, and parents rarely talk about it with their children. But we still receive sexual education, simply by perceiving those non-verbal messages about sexuality that parents send when communicating with each other.

Everyone, on reflection, can say how happy his parents’ sex life was, what restrictions they broadcast through their behavior. They closed the door to the bedroom, did not talk about what was happening there, but we can guess what was there more in general – tenderness or cruelty, softness or tension.

This is the legacy that we receive, we carry on in life, in our couple. Everyone creates on this basis their own sexual ethics. But we very rarely discuss these norms with a partner. And that’s why a lot of problems arise.

Scenarios of relationships in a couple

In relationships, we use different methods of influencing each other, which determine one or another scenario of the couple. A scenario is some kind of recurring situation in which we find ourselves almost constantly. I will describe several negative scenarios in which a relationship can develop.

Scenario 1: Dominance-Submission

In many ways, he is popular thanks to the book “50 Shades of Grey”, which heavily romanticized this relationship. In fact, they can not serve as a role model in any way.

In such a pair there is a powerful tension. The roles may change, but their essence is the same: one punishes the other, and both people suffer.

Here is an example situation. I tell the man that I want to meet my friends. He agrees: go, I’ll still watch football. I come back too late and the scene is waiting for me: “How could you, where have you been? Go sleep on the sofa.” I go to sleep on the sofa.

What happens in the morning? He comes up and says: “I’m sorry, I crossed the line, I was wrong, I miss you.” And in response, I begin to blame him: “How could you, because of such nonsense on the sofa … you will wash the dishes / take out the trash all week.” Partners always find an excuse to raise the tension to such an extent that they feel that something is happening between them.

This is a sad story, which has its own premises in the past. As a rule, in childhood, these people observed a lot of violence in the family or were themselves subjected to violence by adults. In a space devoid of tension, punishment and suffering, such a person is simply not able to show love and sexuality. So he plays this scenario over and over again.

Scenario 2: Relationships are like a potion

In this pair, one person constantly feels the lack of attention of the other. And all the time looking for his attention. “I don’t know how to put money on the phone, help me”, “I got sick, I need you to treat me” … Only by receiving the help of a partner does he feel that he is loved.

Such relationships cannot be called harmonious, because one of the partners does not perceive himself as a separate person. He exists only relying on the other, and cannot decide on the most elementary issues. All these stories about girls who get into an accident and wait for the rescuer to arrive are from the same series.

Such relationships are exhausting – after all, someone who is addicted must always be sick so that his partner can treat him. And if everything is fine with him, then how to attract the attention of a partner?

Sexuality is present in such relationships, but it is infantile – tickling, pillow fighting, funny sex toys – all that distracts from genuine intimacy and replaces deep feelings.

Scenario 3: Couple living in confluence

These are twin people, those who like to buy the same sweatshirts for themselves and show their resemblance. They do not allow each other to have different political views and their own hobbies. Even their orgasm must be simultaneous. There are no separate spaces for each of them.

Most likely, in childhood, these people had guardian parents who closely watched whether the child put on a hat, and waited for him at the school with a thermos of hot tea …

Often such people did not have a period of independent life, when they were already independent from their parents, but not yet dependent on a sexual partner. There was no time to understand what they like, what they don’t like, what fascinates them. It is very difficult for them to make decisions. They protect their comfort zone and strive not to change anything in life, including relationships.

Scenario 4: Talents and fans

This couple has a bright personality and there is a person nearby who is happy to live next to a star. Of course, both of them support this system of relations. “Talent” wants to have someone on the sidelines nearby, and “fan” cannot even imagine being on an equal footing with a star.

Among my acquaintances and clients, I often meet women whose sexuality is absolutely subordinate to that of a man. Their answer to the question about the quality of the relationship is always this: “My husband is very pleased.”

In a situation where you live the life of another, whose pleasure is beyond your own feelings, it is difficult to feel truly liberated and fulfilled.

Scenario 5: Brotherly Love

In this couple, sexuality is absent, and the relationship resembles the friendship of a brother and sister.

Partners call each other “dad” and “mom”, they have mutual understanding and support, frequent family dinners, but the lack of attraction leads to inevitable conflicts. One may blame the other for not dressing well, someone has a partner on the side. Often such relationships arise after many years of marriage or after the birth of a child.

Sexual attraction in a couple is a fickle value

It is impossible to constantly maintain sexual attraction in a couple, because life includes many different aspects. But it’s always good to ask yourself: where is my sexual energy going right now? Maybe you’ve been building a dacha for ten years, and apart from that you don’t care about anything. Maybe one of you is too tired at work, and therefore the sexual relationship is not so bright now.

But maybe something has appeared in me that I am not ready to tell my partner. Why do I want to hide from him?

It is very important to ask yourself these questions in order to understand: we are in contact with ourselves. Yes, I have not had sex for three years, because I have other priorities now. Or: I have been running from myself, my feelings for some person for three years now, and I understand that something needs to be done about it. The main thing is to sincerely answer this question and be honest with yourself.

What if our sexuality is not what we would like?

Talk to each other. Talking about what you would like in a relationship, what happened between you when you last made love, about your dreams, desires and fears – all this helps to create a common sexual ethic for a couple.

Trust a loved one not only with your doubts and insecurities,but also sexual fantasies. They are so individual and unpredictable that they can color your relationship.

Experiencing vivid emotional experiences together. Go to concerts where there is crazy energy, travel. Look for external stimuli that will unite and tune you to the same level of vibration. Go to dance classes together, to concerts and performances, where couples demonstrate bodily intimacy so sensually that you want to repeat their movements after that, maybe in bed.

It is customary for us to believe that sexuality is not very important, we solve issues that are much more significant. But I confidently say that revealed sexuality is an endless resource. When it is available, all other problems are solved with much less effort, and life is filled with bright colors.

The article was prepared based on the materials of the lecture “Love and intimacy in a couple: non-permanent variables”, which psychotherapist Maria Tikhonova read in an open lecture hall in Gorky Park (Moscow).