Sexual abuse: how to talk about it to children?

The best way to protect your child from sexual violence is totalk about it with him, not to make it a taboo and to make him realize that he has the right to refuse certain acts of adults. Specialists and parents review how they approached the subject with their little one, depending on their age.

Sexual violence against children: appalling figures

The association Mémoire traumatique et victimologie estimates that in France, by evaluating the number of complaints that are not filed in relation to the number of people who reveal, once adults, to have been victims of sexual abuse, around 165 children are raped each year. A staggering figure, knowing in addition that 51% of child victims of rape are before 11 years old and 21% before 6 years old.

Among these child victims of rape, a majority know their attacker. In Charlotte Pudlowski’s podcast giving voice to incest victims, “Or maybe a night”, the journalist recalls the figures of a 2015 survey by the international association of victims of incest: 4 million French people are, or have been, victims of incest and 7 to 10% of the French population has already suffered intra-family rape, from the age of 9 years.

Faced with these alarming data and the gradual release of the voice of victims in France, we can feel the need, as parents, to question our child and ensure his well-being. To protect him as well as possible, it seems in any case essential to talk about it with him and to make him aware both of the danger posed by the behavior of certain adults, as well as of his right to be alone to enjoy his body and to say no to others.

Sexual abuse among children or between children: definitions and laws

Un sexual abuse means any coercion (verbal, visual or psychological) or any physical contact, by which a person uses a child (anyone under the age of 18), for the purpose of sexual stimulation, his or her. a third person.

Incest refers to any sexual relationship between people related by a degree of kinship. It can be between two adults, between a child and an adult or between two children: sexual violence can indeed be exerted on a smaller one by a big brother, a big cousin …

Since the law of April 21, 2021, the crime of rape of a minor under the age of 15 is punishable by 20 years of criminal imprisonment. The crime of incestuous rape on a minor under 18 is punishable by 20 years of criminal imprisonment. The offenses of sexual assault on a minor under 15 or incestuous sexual assault on a minor under 18 are punishable by 10 years in prison and a fine of 150 euros.

Judges no longer have to establish, in order to observe and punish rape or sexual assault, violence, coercion, threat or surprise. Indeed, the question of consent no longer arises below the age of 15, or 18 years in case of incest. There is a clause excluding situations where minors are less than 5 years old, but this does not concern situations of incest or when a lack of consent can be demonstrated.

The principle of sliding prescription

The law of April 21, 2021 introduces a sliding prescription principle. If the limitation period remains fixed at age 30 from the victim’s majority, i.e. when she is 48 years old, the statute of limitations can now be extended if the same person subsequently rapes or sexually assaults another child. In this case, the prescription comes into force 30 years from the majority of the last victim.

Sexual abuse: from what age to talk to our little one?

From the youngest age, we can tell our child, for example when we give him a kiss, that not everyone has the right to give him a kiss and that he must tell us if other people kiss or touch him too much.

Around 5 or 6 years old, we can start to teach him the notion of respecting his own body. “Not to mention sexual abuse, you can talk about the things that he doesn’t like and to which he has the right to say no.“, Suggests child psychiatrist Dominique Fremy.

Around 7 or 8 years old, the child acquires a beginning of autonomy. This is the age at which, for example, you allow him to come home from school on his own. Take advantage of this big step to give him – or remind him of – the basic instructions: do not talk to strangers, do not agree to be accompanied in the car by a person who is not used to doing so with his parents, even if it is a relative of friend, etc.

Give him this little advice: when an adult, known or unknown, offers to take him somewhere, he should ask himself three questions:

• Do I really want to be alone with this person?
• Will Mom or Dad know where I am if I go with this person?
• Will someone be able to help me if I am in danger?

If one of the three answers is no, he is told that he has the right to refuse to follow the person in question !

Sexual abuse of minors is also associated with psychological pressure. It may happen that the person who commits the violence has encouraged your child not to talk about it on the pretext that it is “their little secret”. This is why it may be relevant to explain to your child from an early age thatthere are good and bad secrets – the good ones being those which make him happy, such as the organization of a surprise party or a homemade tea party for his big brother or his big sister for example; and the bad ones who make it unhappy, uncomfortable, worried or anxious. For the latter, we tell him that he has the right to tell us about it.

Sexual abuse: prevention on a daily basis

A single warning from your child against malicious people is not enough: the message must be repeated. Don’t be surprised if your offspring already knows the words “rape” or “pedophile”! On TV, at recess… children hear much more about sexual abuse than we imagine. “A big formal discussion is useful, at the risk of sounding like old poopers. Corn it is absolutely necessary to make them aware that they, either, are not immune“, Advises the child psychiatrist Dominique Fremy.

«My 7 year old son started asking me questions at a time when there was a lot of talk about pedophilia trials on the news“, Says Hagalaz. The young mother then jumped at the opportunity to start a first discussion. Prevention must be updated according to the age of the child. As soon as he starts surfing the Internet, for example, we talk about the dangers of instant messaging and community sites. We install a parental control software and we give him some instructions, such as never giving his personal details, nor accepting an appointment with a person met on the net, etc.

Pedophilia, rape, abuse… what terms to use?

Very often, it is not the occasions which are lacking for the parents to bring up the subject, but simply the words… It does not matter whether it is Dad or Mum who brings up the subject. Above all, the parent must be comfortable … “Go to the simplest: use words you usually use with your child“, Advises Dominique Fremy.

We can explain to him thus, that a pedophile is a person of nice appearance, who will try to put him in confidence. Then, who will take advantage of the situation to touch the “bitch”, the “penis” or the buttocks. Of course, insist that NO ONE has the right to do this, not even you, his parents. “You will quickly realize that we very quickly reach the limits of prevention“, Regrets the specialist. 80 to 90% of sexual abuse is, in fact, committed by a relative. Warning your child against people who are supposed to love him, and whom he trusts, is very complicated but essential.

How do we know if our child has been the victim of sexual abuse or touching?

Child psychiatrist Dominique Fremy receives many child victims of sexual abuse. She calls on parents: «Pay attention to the slightest change in your child’s attitude!A sad child who isolates himself, loses his involvement in school, goes back to wetting the bed or talking like a baby, is doing badly.»Warning: this does not mean, fortunately, that he was the victim of sexual abuse! But he experiences a discomfort that must be evacuated at all costs …

The solution: establish a dialogue, let him know that you are worried about him, and let him say what is wrong. If you give him the answer on a platter, which may not be the right one (eg: “It’s because of the divorce that things are not going well, is it?”), The child will be to close. Often victims of pedophilia hesitate to confide in their parents for several reasons: the fear of being argued (“Mum warned me not to trust”, the person committing the abuse made her promise not to talk about it otherwise she would get into big trouble …) or the one you don’t believe. Let him know that he can tell you anything and that your intention is to help him get better.

As an adult, let’s try to keep our calm, cool head and let him talk as long as possible for him. Reassure our child, insist that it is not his fault and we believe it. It is relatively common for a child who has confided in being the victim of sexual abuse then enters into a form of denial and reconsiders his previous remarks. This should not make you doubt your child’s word and stop your efforts: make him meet a child psychiatrist, perform medical examinations, file a complaint … It is essential for him that you hear his words and that you do not discredit him. not.

Do not hesitate to ask to be surrounded as parents, in particular by associations.

They knew how to find the words

«With my 3 year old daughter, I do not use the word “pedophilia” yet, but I explain to her that there are “bad men and bad ladies”. I often remind him that no one is allowed to kiss or hug him, especially in intimate places, not even us, her parents, her grandparents or other people she knows. Moreover, she understands that if this were to happen, she has the right to scream, hit, bite and tell us!“- Mélanie

«I explained to my son that some adults do horrible things to little ones, without going into sordid details. I keep telling him (every time he goes to a grandparent, goes out, etc.) that if something is bothering him about a person’s behavior, he absolutely has to tell mom or dad. At 7, he has no notion of the danger and could be fooled by a handful of candies …» – Hagalaz