Sexo: let’s finally free ourselves from prejudices

For a sexuality without complexes

Parents: Female libido explodes during pregnancy. info or intox ?

Catherine Blanc: It all depends which month! The 1st trimester is a time of appropriation. The future mother experiences a mixture of joy, worry, questions, she suffers from nausea, fatigue. She is not in the mood to reach out to others to make love, but rather to stay “between herself and herself”. In the first quarter, everything changes. Her curves and her breasts are sexy, her belly is not yet very bulky, she feels at peace, completely female, powerful. Her erotic dreams multiply, she finds herself in a hormonal bath and becomes more sexually active. But beware, the flow of hormones is not enough to ignite his libido! A pregnant woman will not feel more sexual desire if she is not eroticized at all by her partner, if he does not want her as much as she wants him.. In the 1st trimester, the libidinal peak falls, the woman feels encumbered by her body and not always at ease with herself. It is also complicated for the man, who may be afraid of hurting the baby during sex, fear of inducing an abortion, feeling a background of aggression towards this baby who steals his wife!

What do you recommend to those who no longer want to have sex?

CB: The sexologists who claim that “the appetite comes with eating” are wrong. If we are not hungry, if we are disgusted, eating will not help matters, on the contrary! What we are looking for in making love is to connect with the other, it is neither a need, nor a bandage, nor an obligation. If the goal was only arousal, a sex toy or his hand would suffice. When we’re not in the mood, we don’t force ourselves because the more violence we do to ourselves, the more we blame the other.

But what if the future dad feels frustrated and insists?

CB: His insistence is related to the quality of the bond that exists in the couple. The more a woman shuns tender contacts because she is afraid that any rapprochement will trigger in her partner a desire for sex, the more the man will claim active sexuality to recreate the bond. The solution is neither withdrawal into oneself, nor distancing. We have to get closer to him differently, make him participate in this extraordinary event. The more verbal exchanges, glances, tender gestures are multiplied, the more the relationship exists elsewhere and the less it is dependent on sexuality.

Does this also apply after pregnancy?

CB: Even very much in love, it is difficult to hear the claim of the man who feels sidelined when you breastfeed the baby every three hours! The young mother is caught in the vital urgency that her child survives, she totally lacks availability. Added to this are the physical consequences of pregnancy and childbirth, fatigue, psychological upheaval. She needs to reclaim her body after baby, this body “guilty” of being fat, when there is no longer any reason. It takes more or less time to feel desire again. Some women do not want to be reduced to the function of mother and resume sexual activity very quickly, while others take longer. But the important thing is

not to turn your back on your man.

Isn’t it always easy to resume after a period of abstinence?

CB: In men and women, fantasies are rife “Has his sex widened? “Will I still be able to cum?” “Does she still want me?” »… After the first months of fusion, the mother, while remaining attentive to her baby, can invite her companion to help her resume sexual activity. Concretely, the role of the dad is to help his companion to separate from his baby with kindness, by encouraging her, by giving her scope so that she can reclaim her body and her desire, by giving her the freedom to do things for her.

The idea that children are killers is very common. What do you think ?

CB: At the beginning of his life, the child is a well of expectations, needs, calls, requests. He necessarily forces the couple to move, the accomplice lovers become a father and a mother who share responsibilities, time and frustrations. The child takes the place his parents give him. If he takes it all, it’s up to the couple to ask themselves why. Is it the tree that hides the forest from an intimate problem? Fortunately, more than kill-love, children are an opportunity to revisit, to transform the representations we had of the couple, to grow the relationship, to find a new burst of creativity.

It is also said that routine kills desire …

CB: According to a received idea, we should hunt down the ugly routine, not let ourselves be locked into habits so as not to see our desire die out! But the reality is that surprises, unexpected hugs,improvised meetings are unmanageable on a daily basis. The reality is that we need to anticipate, to be reassured. Routine is what you put in place as quickly as possible in a relationship because it allows you to be at peace.

But if we always love each other the same way, don’t we risk getting bored?

CB: Habits do not prevent us from being on the move, from pushing back what is possible. If no desire disturbs the marital agenda, if it is always the same evening in the same positions at the same time, it is boring. Life needs changes and the trap that threatens sexuality is to lock the other into the idea that we have of him. You have to stay curious about your partner, agree to new horizons together. But it is above all yourself that you have to surprise, constantly readjust your gaze to your desires. If you are bored in bed, love being two, it is certain that both partners have their responsibility. If we remain passive, if we wait for the other to make us come like an infant waits for a feed instead of moving towards the other, we are going into the wall. We live in a world full of sexual solicitations and models to which we conform. However, to be sexually mature, for both men and women, is to have the capacity to draw on oneself the resources to conquer the other. It’s about being creative with your emotions, your questions. The sexual relationship is nourished by the fruitfulness of our imagination. It is not a catalog of “doing”, it is in “being”. Boredom in bed can tell of a larger dissatisfaction, a fundamental problem in the couple, and in this case, new positions in bed or erotic accessories will not change anything.

* Author of “Uninhibited Sexuality, 50 received ideas… reviewed and corrected”, ed. Flammarion.