Sex: without obligations or only for love?

“Die, but don’t give a kiss without love!” – a phrase that has become winged, many still remember from the school curriculum. This is said by Vera Pavlovna, the heroine of the novel “What is to be done?”, the “street woman” Frenchwoman Julie, who suddenly knew the kiss of “clean lips”. The idea of ​​intimacy “only for love” is still alive, and although a century and a half has passed since the time of Chernyshevsky and a sexual revolution has taken place, not everyone dares to admit that they want sex. Why?

Dirty or clean

“Modern European culture, including in Russia, despite the Soviet atheistic period, is largely based on religious dogmas, according to which sex was considered dirty and immoral and was allowed only in marriage and only for the sake of childbearing,” says psychologist and teacher of sexology Natalia Oshemkova . – A few centuries ago, parents, giving their children down the aisle, did not ask them about their feelings at all.

The lovers tried to follow their feelings, but the world did not give them – this is how Romeo and Juliet appeared. Now we can take better care of ourselves and make choices based on how we feel.”

The attitude to sex as an activity that needs justification has not completely disappeared. A necessary condition for sex, as well as for marriage, was love. For a while, it turned into a new shrine that redeems and purifies desires.

In the new millennium, in the big cities of civilized countries, there are more and more singles (after all, a partner is no longer required to survive), many are beginning to view sex as a pleasure that can be received without any conditions.

This is exactly what 42-year-old Kira argues: “After the divorce, I have been finding men on a dating site for five years now. I immediately indicate that I am only interested in sex in its purest form. It suits both. Why complicate? I make good money, I have an apartment, my children have grown up, I have friends, and I’m not ready to burden myself with a new family. Some relationships last no more than a week, some – a few months. I don’t care if they have wives, kids, dogs, jobs. We are adults, busy people and clearly stipulate the time of meetings. Did not come – the next.

For some, sex without attachment is part of the established lifestyle. And for someone – an exciting and unexpected adventure. 38-year-old Valentina admits that she cannot explain to herself what “came over” on her: “I was on a train, and there were three more people in the compartment with me, including a young man. We hardly spoke, but I caught his eyes on me. And he attracted me. And when the lights went out, at some point we suddenly ended up together on my bottom shelf.

The neighbors in the compartment pretended not to hear anything. In the morning, as if nothing had happened, we went out onto the platform and never saw each other again, I don’t even know what his name was. Was I ashamed after that? Not at all. One can only dream of such bright sex!”

Hoping for something more

During sex, several hormones are produced that bring satisfaction – dopamine, oxytocin, endorphin, immunity is stimulated. Sex is one of the powerful tools for emotional release, as well as crying and laughter, and an excellent prevention of cardiovascular disease.

“But the power of social attitudes, alas, is great,” complains body-oriented therapist Alexei Yezhkov. – We see another and get excited, but suddenly we are frightened by the impulse, block it and wait for a bright feeling in order to allow ourselves to be in bed with the object of desire. Most likely, this “bright feeling” will be somewhat artificial: we will come up with a certain image for ourselves that we will fall in love with, and after the wedding night it turns out that we do not match with our partner.

Therefore, the psychologist believes, the sooner we allow ourselves to test a partner in action, the better. And who knows, maybe “just sex” will grow into a serious union.

Although not everyone needs a long-term stable relationship. “Yes, we are social animals, and close ties are important to us. But if we already have a good social circle – friends, colleagues, relatives – then a life partner is not at all necessary, – adds Natalya Oshemkova. – We can have great sex, but at the same time live in different apartments, relax in different places, have different values. And in sex, it will not interfere with us.

But for deeper relationships, a mismatch in values ​​can be crucial.” Someone sees the other as a sexual partner, but never as the future father or mother of their children. When we enter into a relationship, we cannot always predict with certainty how we will feel. Sometimes you have to readjust on the go.

“I tried to have “just sex” with a married man,” says 34-year-old Tatyana, “but after a while I realized that I was starting to get into something more serious. From the very beginning he was honest with me – he warned that he had a family and he did not intend to destroy it. I initiated the breakup so as not to fall in love completely.

Bed ethics

There is such an idea: when you love a person, you want sex only with him. There is the opposite: life oppresses sexuality, and “a good deed will not be called marriage.”

“Both of them are right,” Natalya Oshemkova is convinced. For some, sexual desire is closely linked to security. As their psychological intimacy increases, the quality of sex will improve. It is easier for them to open up and relax. And there are those for whom sex is associated with novelty, surprise, surprise, admiration.

For them, long-term relationships are associated with a decrease in attraction, they are more likely to seek sexual adventures outside of the couple.

However, the security and duration of a relationship are not always directly related. Alexei Yezhkov speaks of the paradox: “In a long-term union, there may be less security and, oddly enough, more shame and other complex feelings. The deeper the contact, the more difficult it is for some of us to confess our desires, fantasies.

We are afraid that a person who has become dear will reject us, will not accept us, and we prefer to remain silent. If innuendo accumulates, then this sometimes leads to the fact that one of the partners or both will go to seek satisfaction outside the couple. And if partners are able to openly discuss intimate issues, connect cordiality, as it is called in bodily psychotherapy, then sex will become deeper and richer both emotionally and physically.”

And yet, it is not always possible to satisfy each other, even with all the trust and openness. “Someone likes BDSM practices, while the other partner categorically does not,” Natalya Oshemkova gives an example. – Or one requires sexual intercourse twice a day, while the other is enough once every two weeks. After all, people converge not only on the basis of sexual desire, they want to stay together for various reasons.

If the partners have agreed that physical contact on the side is possible, but under certain conditions (for example, subject to safety precautions – barrier contraception, or doing it anywhere, but not in a common apartment), then this will not be a betrayal for them. If their views change over time, the agreements can be revised.

Now there are polyamorous relationships (when one partner can have several partners), an open partnership (there is a main couple, but everyone has sex on the side). The fundamental difference with cheating is that without exception, all participants are aware of what they signed up for. Only then can we talk about ethical sex.

It was this contract that the temperamental 32-year-old Andrey concluded with his wife, who had enough sex once a month: “When we honestly admitted that we had different sexual appetites, we agreed that I would find a partner, but all meetings would take place outside the apartment and so that our common time with family and health does not suffer. All three know about each other. And in my opinion, this is more honest than lying and hiding.

Between soul and body

When we talk about sex without love, we usually mean sex outside of the marital union. But let us ask ourselves: do we, being married, have sex only when we are in love?

“It would be nice if we all had sex for erotic reasons,” says Natalya Oshemkova. “But in many couples they do give back their marital debt. One of the partners is afraid that if he does not agree to intimacy, then he will be rejected or deprived of some benefits, or even kicked out into the street. And here we are talking not only about sex without love, but about sex without desire, out of fear. In fact, one of the partners commits violence against the other, without even knowing it – after all, formally the other agreed!

And this affects the psyche of the one who experiences such (self-) coercion. What’s happening? I do not want sex, even if the excitement appears, I do it against the true desire. My body is not receiving positive reinforcement. Trauma can occur, and any further touch will become a frightening stimulus. In Australia, where prostitution is legal, psychologists have found that sex workers have higher rates of post-traumatic stress disorder than combat veterans.”

In such situations, the psyche is saved by splitting the sensations of the body and feelings.

Some of us prefer sex “without commitment” because we are afraid to dive into our own emotions and make deep contact. “Why do they often change partners? asks Alexey Yezhkov. And he answers: “Because of the difficulties in comprehending the other, his inner world.” But separating the body from the senses is dangerous, he says. And aren’t we deceiving ourselves when we sort intimacy into physical and spiritual?

“The culture maintains a distinction between “mechanics” and feelings,” explains the body-oriented therapist. “But if you often practice sex just for the sake of sex, turning off your soul, then the splitting will be aggravated.

Clients come to me and say, “I don’t feel anything below the belt.” Or vice versa: “I don’t have any feelings.” And it worries them. This happens because of some traumatic childhood experience or parenting: “sex without love” can cause feelings of guilt, or we love so much that we are afraid to add “indecent” body contact to our romantic feelings.

But if you manage to combine cordiality and sexuality, both spheres become richer and richer.