Most modern people are not confused by sex before marriage or even specific preferences, as in «50 shades of gray.» But sex without commitment — outside of long-term romantic relationships — is still a controversial issue in terms of morality and the impact on our well-being. About the pros and cons of fleeting meetings.
By the age of 25, 70% of us have had at least one erotic one-night stand. Casual and fleeting relationships happen all the time, but many of us find them unacceptable and regret giving in to temptation. We believe that sex with a regular partner is definitely useful — it makes us happier, strengthens relationships and health.
But why does casual sex, with a stranger or just a friend, lose all these benefits and become harmful? Is it really only love and deep romantic attachment to a partner that gives sex positive properties? Isn’t there something good in the process itself?
Over the past ten years, we have learned a lot about sex without commitment from social research. But almost 90% of this information is based on student surveys. To expand the sample, a website was launched where people of different ages, from different social strata could share stories about casual sex: talk about their feelings and sensations both during and after erotic meetings.
Sometimes, even in the absence of romantic feelings, a deep emotional and intellectual connection is formed.
In the 10 months since its launch, the site has seen over six million page views and over 1200 stories from people all over the world. What conclusions can be drawn from these stories?
First, sex without commitment has many potential benefits. The most obvious is having fun. Orgasm, hedonistic ecstasy — you can call it in different ways. A new partner can teach us something in bed and become a good friend later on.
After casual sex, self-esteem improves, we feel more desirable, energetic and free. In addition, in old age we will have something to remember! And sometimes, even in the absence of romantic feelings, a deep emotional and intellectual connection is formed with another person.
Another point — our nature has a passion for adventure, new sensations, secrets, risk, danger, the desire to discover the unknown. This need is satisfied by casual sex, in long-term relationships such elements are not enough.
Of course, there are risks too: a forced connection, a broken heart, broken friendships, regret, embarrassment, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, social stigma, or a partner who has stopped respecting you. Most people think the cons outweigh the pros. But it’s not.
A lot of research is devoted to how we feel after casual sex. All of them agree that both men and women subsequently are much more likely to have positive feelings (happiness, satisfaction), rather than negative ones (empty, disappointment).
Other studies show that sex without commitment has no long-term consequences for our psychological well-being: self-esteem, depression or anxiety. Of course, not all casual relationships develop in this way; there may well be people on whom they have a deeper effect. These are only average results.
What effect — positive or negative — casual sex will have on a person depends only on him. One of the critical factors is “authenticity”: how much what you do aligns with your beliefs, values, wants, and needs.
Sex without commitment is not for everyone, like any other sexual practice. Upbringing, life circumstances, natural inclinations matter. Some of us prefer novelty in sex, others are more comfortable with long-familiar partners. Try to determine your place on this scale.
Intimacy and passion can and should be present in casual sex — this is not laundry!
Do you perceive casual sex as something interesting, worthwhile, exciting? Morally acceptable? Even if you never see that person again? If the answer to most of the points is “no”, it’s better not to risk it.
There is one nuance in heterosexual casual sex: only 40% of women reach orgasm, while among men this figure tends to be 80%. There is a gap in romantic relationships with regular partners, but there it is two times lower. However, 90% of women who have had casual relationships still say that they enjoyed it — in one form or another. Over 70% truly enjoyed the process.
These are the results of a survey conducted among 20 students. But the gap still needs to be narrowed. Women need to learn to be more selfish in bed, and men need to learn to be more generous and empathetic to their partners, even if it’s just a short one-night stand.
Intimacy and passion can and should be present in casual sex — this is not laundry! Try to make the most of every sexual encounter. After all, this is the main point.
About the expert: Zhana Vrangalova is a sexologist-researcher.