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What desires and fantasies do women have today? What pleasures do they seek? What is allowed and what is forbidden? We decided to put aside conventional wisdom and, with the help of our experts, analyzed the results of a Psychologies survey.
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In matters of sex, women today have complete freedom of speech. The vast majority (97%) believe that they have the right to talk about their sexual desires – and in fact they talk about them. And this openness does not depend on age, education and marital status. Many find it easy to talk with a partner about the positions they prefer (70%), the types of sex they would like to practice (66%), and what they enjoy (64%).
True, half of women hide their fantasies from their partner. But psychoanalyst and sexologist Alain Eril is not surprised: “The female collective unconscious is saturated with the idea that fantasies are the prerogative of men. I have been counseling women for 25 years, and even today, many of them are sure that they have no fantasies at all.
And when I say that maybe it’s just hard for them to admit it, they look at me with bewilderment, as if fantasies are something completely unacceptable. Nevertheless, women, of course, have fantasy images, but they do not give themselves permission to immerse themselves in them.
It is easier for women to talk about their pleasure than about fantasies
Psychotherapist and sexologist Irina Panyukova agrees with this: “Many women have fantasies about sex with another man or fantasies about hard sex, but they are silent about them, assuming that the partner will misinterpret them. They are afraid that the partner will perceive such a story as a guide to action, but few of them would like to experience in reality what they like to imagine in fantasy.
Psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen offers another explanation: “Women find it easier to talk about their pleasure than their fantasies, because it is at the center of the existing cultural code. Women are supposed to enjoy implicitly, so their pleasure is constantly questioned. This is a kind of “holy grail” that must be won in order to become a “real woman.” Perhaps that is why the expectations of women themselves are not fully justified?
They want to make love more often and better
Women rate their satisfaction with sexual relationships not too low, but not too high (7 points out of 10). If we want something, it means that we lack something, Plato argued, and psychoanalysts followed him.
Modern women are far from blissful satiety. Only 9% gave a high rating to their sexual pleasure (10 or 19 points). A third of the survey participants are critical. Oddly enough, these estimates do not depend on whether the woman lives alone or with a partner. Among married women, 21% rated their satisfaction highly, 27% – below average.
It seems that the time that partners spend together does not always help them get to know each other’s desires, body and tastes. However, the situation is different for Russian women – and this is our only difference from European women: 69% of married women and 40% of unmarried women are satisfied with their sex life.
“Our society is still patriarchal,” Irina Panyukova explains this difference. – Only in the last 30 years have we begun to admit the idea that sex before marriage and outside of marriage is possible and is of independent value. By virtue of tradition, a woman in marriage feels more confident, calmer and therefore gets more pleasure from sex.”
In any case, the sexual life of our contemporaries is intense. Every second makes love at least once a week. And do they like it? Maybe women only have sex because men want it? Nothing like this!
Those who would prefer to do it less often are only 6%. And 46% are satisfied with the way their sex life is now, and do not want to change anything. Most of these women who would like to make love more often – almost every second participant in the survey. Girls aged 18–24 mention it more often (61%). What’s stopping them?
It may be that sexuality is a high-stakes game. In bed with us, our body and thoughts about it, as well as relationships with a partner, his requirements and how we perceive them, and also the memory of the child, what we once were, and society-dictated ideas about how we should be in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s…
Today’s female sexuality is largely feigned
Sexuality is a combination of two forces: desire and will. We experience arousal, but we also decide what to do with it. We can deny it satisfaction and let it fade away. Or accept it and follow it. And maybe have an orgasm. The decision depends on the individual, on age, on what we are currently doing and what worries us …
“Maybe women really want more sex, but maybe they just think they need more? Sophie Kadalen reflects. “I think today’s female sexuality is largely feigned.” This statement seems to be supported by figures: 53% of women admit that they often take the initiative in sex.
However, Irina Panyukova is convinced that this is not a game: “Once a week is not enough for many mature women. At the age of 30-40 years, the natural rhythm associated with the period of maturation of spermatozoa suggests intimacy 2-3 times a week. Women seem to want this. Along the way, promoting the establishment of equality in sexual relations.
Six ages of female sexuality
The sensual life of a woman is a process in development, not a fixed set of characteristics. And at each stage, she has special goals, explains psychoanalyst and sexologist Alain Eril.
If they are successfully achieved, then women acquire new positive qualities, which can be called the “bright side” of age. And for those who have not found their answer to the challenges of the time, unpleasant experiences await, and the number of difficulties that they have to resolve in the future increases. This is the “dark side”.
“Those who always find the strength to resist the vicissitudes of time in the struggle for their desire win,” Alain Eril is sure. Each age has its own driving force. The sexologist identified, named and described the general patterns in the development of female sexuality based on his many years of professional practice.
- 16–25 years old: romanticism. On the dark side: anger, depression, protest. On the bright side: the desire to attract, the growth of self-esteem, the ability to wait.
- 25–38 years old: creativity. On the dark side: dissatisfaction and impatience. On the bright side: courage and determination.
- 38-47 years: sensuality. On the dark side: irritation, sadness, decline in desire. On the bright side: joy, spiritual discoveries, inspiration.
- 47-50 years old: search for meanings. On the dark side: alternating despondency and exaltation. On the bright side: the rise of sexuality.
- 50-55 years: change. On the dark side: fear, loneliness, depression. On the bright side: spiritual clarity, fullness of life, emancipation.
- 55+: execution. On the dark side: depression, loneliness, indifference. On the bright side: spirituality, freedom, joy of life, balance.
Read more about this in Alain Eril’s article “All Ages of Female Sexuality”.
They like to switch roles
Looks like male dominance in sex is coming to an end. More and more women like to switch roles with men. And 81% are not ashamed of their desires. Only a third of women like to be in a subordinate position during lovemaking. And every fourth, on the contrary, prefers to dominate.
This trend is confirmed primarily by the position women prefer in sex. As before, a large percentage of women prefer to be on the bottom (76%), but the number of those who would like to be on top is also considerable (68%).
The 8% difference is primarily due to age: women over 60 like the top position less than younger women. At the age of 18-24, they are more willing to play with the roles of “dominant – subordinate”, easily moving from one role to another: 70% like to be commanded, 56%, on the contrary, like to dominate.
Sexual connections become more intense, even though the desire to “be on top” can only reflect the woman’s need to satisfy the desire of a man, that is, to submit to him, says Sophie Kadalen: “In sexuality, a woman is both an object and a subject. The younger generations alternate these roles. It seems to me that we are no longer measuring our strengths, we are not competing – a balance has come.
To have good sex, it is not necessary to have an unbridled imagination and superpowers
Although women are becoming more and more relaxed, free, they are wary of “borderline” practices. Many say that they “have never been bound and have never tied anyone” (40%), “they have never been flogged and they have not flogged anyone” (48%). Sex toys are not very common (27%). But is the constant variety and “borderline” experience in sex really a necessary condition for enjoyment?
“Different couples need novelty to varying degrees,” says Irina Panyukova. – At the beginning of a relationship, when partners get to know each other, ingenuity is useful. You need to try a lot to choose what both like. But when the main ways of interaction are found, a new one appears in the couple’s sexual life only from time to time. The constant need for novelty may indicate that the couple is not very well-coordinated, and the partner has ceased to excite.
Sophie Cadalen is also not surprised by the answers: “To have good sex, you don’t have to have an unbridled imagination and superpowers. The results of the survey bring us back to reality and destroy the fantasy that sexuality must be daring, otherwise it will not bring satisfaction.
They hope to grow up
Among young women (aged 18–24), almost one in two admits that “she likes to be tied up” or “likes to tie up her partner” (44% and 43%, respectively), “to flog him” or “to be flogged” ( 31% and 36%). It may seem that these practices speak of the sexual emancipation of the young, but this is not so.
At 20, a woman wants to grow up, to part with the image of a little girl, which she still remains in her own eyes. Sexual intercourse is loaded with different meanings for her. For example, this means that she is able to love someone else besides her parents. Or that she was accepted into adult society.
Young women often talk about sexuality in order to enjoy the opportunity to discuss this topic. Sometimes they plan to make love, as if they are going to a fitness club, but this is just a pose – this is how they search for themselves and mask their self-doubt.
They need self-confidence
31% of women (among them 41% from 18 to 24 years old) admit that in order to have more pleasure in sex, they need to feel more confident. They need confidence more than tenderness (28%), foreplay (28%), sensuality (25%), attention (24%), love (20%), courage (18%), imagination (18%) and delicacy (17%).
Russian women, in response to the question of what they need to get more pleasure from sex, name the time, sensitivity of the partner and living conditions. Looseness takes only ninth place. But at the same time, almost half of our compatriots feel shame or embarrassment in bed, more than a third (35%) are afraid not to live up to expectations, and 31% believe that the sight of their body can scare off a partner.
“You should not fight with self-doubt,” says Sophie Kadalen. “Her flaw is the most interesting thing about sex. Sexuality blossoms only when we refuse to be absolutely sure of ourselves. The more we try to improve our sexuality, bring it to the “normal”, control it, the further it eludes us.”
Women are still dominated by stereotypes and prejudices about how “should be”. They behave indecisively, but this indecision is actually useful: thanks to it, relationships with a partner become more balanced and equal. Women have become freer, they are more open and honest in sex. Perhaps now many couples finally have a real chance to hear and understand each other.
What does sexual freedom mean to you?
Martha Ketro, author of The Art of Love War and winner of the Parker Prize, talks about why freedom, trust and openness can only be found and experienced as a couple.
“Each person fills the expression “sexual freedom” with his own meaning. For some, it is expressed in forced sexuality and demonstrative behavior, for others – in frequent changes of partners, for example.
For me, this is a category of relationships. Sexual freedom is something that may or may not happen in a couple. I was not lucky right away, only in my second marriage. Entering into a love relationship, we are initially cautious and accommodating: we do not immediately report our preferences, but we care very much about the desires of a partner.
Over time, emancipation occurs, it becomes easier to say what you like and what you don’t like. It’s not that we become more selfish, it’s that the fear of shocking and scaring away decreases.
The couple is exploring sexual boundaries, and if everything goes well, each pushes their limits a little, accepting each other’s special desires. Often, spouses who have lived together for ten years allow themselves much more sophisticated sex than bachelors who often change partners.
This, in my opinion, is a manifestation of sexual freedom. It arises in interaction with a specific person whom you trust more and more. If a relationship ends and another begins, you have to relive the whole process.
And no matter how uninhibited you may be, if you come across a partner who is not ready to accept you or open up himself, the sexual freedom you have gained earlier will not help you. Therefore, I value my fifteen-year marriage very much, it has comfort and openness, and I would not agree to exchange it for a new, bright, but superficial relationship.