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Sex What bothers them the most about what they do (or don’t do) in bed
Some of the most common complaints around sex have to do with a lack of communication
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If Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha, stars of the long-standing series “Sex and the City,” had talked more about sex with their partners than with each other, it is likely that years of therapy and training could have been saved. frustrations around your romantic relationships. Although it is also true that they would have missed something as liberating (and in some cases, so enriching) as is the possibility of sharing and contrasting with their friends the successes and errors during their respective experiences in bed.
It is clear that it is difficult to speak of generalities and that each couple (as well as each person) is unique and that each one lives their sexuality in their own way. However, sexologists identify some recurring and coinciding themes in the consultation when they report their sexual concerns. As explained by Raquel Graña, psychologist and sexologist at Intima Connections, most of the male behaviors that they censor in bed have to do with little interest in knowing the springs of your partner’s pleasure lack of communication and the monotony. Let’s see how the sexologist details each point.
What about the preliminaries?
One of the common complaints in the consultation is ensuring that the couple neglects the preliminary (for which dedication and patience are required) and intends that your partner is excited in an explosive way so that it is possible to go directly to the point, to intercourse (penis-vagina). In fact, some women go so far as to assure that their partners are not aware that the erotic relationships they include all the skin and that each person has their own erogenous zones that must be discovered and worked on. “They think that they should only penetrate the partner and that this person, by magic, will reach orgasm”, says Raquel Graña.
Another mistake is usually to leave the clitoris either forgotten or in the background to the point that, as they explain, some women have found that their partners not only did not know how to stimulate it but also, in an attempt to speed up the moment of penetration, they came to hurt them. «You have to bear in mind that it is a very sensitive area, with many endings and that not all women like to be stimulated directly. To improve this point it is necessary for each woman to explain to her partner how she likes to be caressed, sucked or touched, ”she says.
The expert explains that it can be effective to stimulate taste, sight, smell, touch and hearing. “If we are used to a kind of repetitive ritual, it is likely that including different stimuli for each sense will help increase passion,” Graña explains.
If you see that I am not excited, why do you insist
An important message should be emphasized here: what worked for one partner does not have to work for the other. Some women assured in consultation that their partners insisted on carrying out a specific sexual practice (anal sex, oral sex, use of sex toys) even though they insisted that they did not enjoy it.
There have also been cases of women whose partners were obsessed with intercourse. Thus, they explained that they were capable of penetrating them for hours, without further ado and without any other stimulus, with the absolute conviction that they were thus going to reach their climax. “But the only thing that is achieved with the practices that neither like nor excite the couple is that they get tired and end up irritated (both emotionally and physically)”, clarifies the sexologist.
We could try other positions
Routine, boredom in bed and monotony is one of the most frequent themes in couples with a stable or long-lasting relationship. Have you tried consulting the kamasutra? And the petting? They explain that the couple’s sexual repertoire is limited and that they often repeat one or two sexual positions over and over again. They are especially bothered by their lack of interest when they try to broach the subject. Some even stated in the consultation that at a certain point they came to feel judged or questioned for insisting on trying or experimenting with new positions and things and that this affected them in other relationships.
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An example of this is the case of a woman who explained to him in the consultation that she had just started a heterosexual relationship and that, although she liked to be massaged, licked and sucked on her feet, she felt self-conscious and did not dare to tell him her boyfriend because his previous partner had judged him for that wish.
Another case reported by Raquel Graña is that of a heterosexual couple who had been in a relationship for two years, but were not having full satisfactory relationships because she felt that he was too rough when it came to oral sex and that on some occasions he had caressed her anus without her consent.
In these two cases, the sexologist explains that the way to work them is to work independently with each of the parties and then together, in order to reach an agreement that is satisfactory for both. «To improve sexual relations the couple must have a high degree of trust. They must be able to express their fantasies, their tastes, their pleasures … They must even encourage the other to try a new experience. Trust is fostered through communication and shared moments, ”he reveals.
If you don’t express yourself, I don’t know what you like
The sexologist says that, in general terms, it is a more frequent practice for women to express in the form of moans, sounds or exhalations what they like or do not like during an erotic relationship. However, some of them complain that some men do not say a word or sound in sex, not even when they reach orgasm. This is something that usually annoys their partners a lot, because the fact of not receiving any type of signal prevents them from having information about the things they enjoy the most during sexual intercourse.
Yes, hygiene matters
Some women complain about the lack of hygiene of their partner and even go so far as to assure that they have stopped having sex with them for seemingly trivial things such as their breath smells, they do not shower daily or after a sporting activity or they do not take into account the cleanliness of their private parts before the practice of oral sex. “That that a sweaty and smelly man can be sexually more attractive is one of the false myths that still persist and that has stopped making sense,” says the sexologist.
There is life beyond the genitals
The expert insists on the need to promote that erotica should focus on general pleasure and enjoy the full extension of the body and not only of the genitals nor only with orgasm as the ultimate goal. “When men are taught to enjoy other parts, such as their neck, back, hands, arms, feet, they discover a different form of pleasure than they were not used to,” he says.
Finally, and as advice for both of them, the sexologist of Intima Connections, proposes to practice the «slow sex», a practice that the therapist Diana Richardson made fashionable with her book on conscious sensuality for a full and sustained sexuality. In general, the «slow sex» proposes apply the basis of mindfulness to sex, so that the couple is aware of what they are doing at all times and is not in a hurry to live it or enjoy it. Both must calmly undress, caress each other’s every inch of their skin and explore every part of the body as if discovering it for the first time. “It is something that generates a great connection between the couple and increases trust between both,” says the sexologist.